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Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by 2525, Oct 27, 2017.
I relapsed just after today's post.
85 days my brothers
The problem that I run in every time is this:
I have changed my life succesfully in that I really stay away from the computer and my phone when I know I might be tempted to look at stuff - so at night, in the morning, when I’m depressed etc - and instead redirect my attention to doing something meaningful and fulfilling. This has improved my life already so much and decreased my P consumption from a day consuming activity to something I do maybe an hour per week now, all combined.
What’s making it so hard to get rid of that compulsive hour a week are the times when I can’t face away from the computer or my phone, for example when I’m home and supposed to be working. When I’m depressed while working on the internet and all I have to do is type in some slightly different words than the ones I’m typing, or click on that alluring picture, to distract my mind from its troubles, it’s just so damn hard not to.
I have Time Out installed now, an app that reminds me to take microbreaks every 15 mins (and a large one every hour) and those microbreaks are enough to make me realise I should stop whenever I notice I’m looking at stuff I shouldn’t. But I need to find a way of having the habit in my everyday life of being mindful behind the computer, not have moments of mindlessness.
I think I was like that as well. And I think from what you are saying, that the problem here is that there is simply a part of your conscious mind, that wants to keep doing PMO.
And that you don't want to quit 100% but like 90%. That's probably why you have an inclination to look for triggers even when you are basically doing the recovery.
And most of the times it isn't something where you can say like "OK, Now I'm going to do it this time!"
You have to write alot on paper. That organizes your thoughts and plays a major role in the rewiring of your brain.
The Antidote to this PMO addiction, is Truth. Why Truth? Well, because PMOing is a form of self-deception. You're tricking your mind into thinking you're having some kind of sexual experience while watching people that you don't know, have sex in front of a camera. You're not connecting, you're disconnecting. Your subconcious mind can't differentiate between real and fake, so it thinks it's real.
The Problem is, that the P of today, is that it is extremely exaggerated and adjusted to the clients demands. Some of it focuses in on the genitals and stays there others do different things and the truth is, that a sexual experience with a real person has absolutely nothing to do with what you do while watching it nor with what you're watching, not even remotely. And then you start associating what you feel is missing in your "heart", with what you see on the screen. This can create sexual distortions in your mind that can go to troubling lengths.
Aside from all the other issues that this addiction causes that we all already know.
Think like this, PMO is like a demon that wants to destroy your "heart" and everything you love and turn your life into the worst nightmare that you can possibly imagine.
Here is my advise to you. Write the Truth about everything alot, whenever you can, while you don't feel cravings.
Write those things down, because the most important thing in this recovery, in my opinion, is to organize your thoughts. So you are better prepared when you have cravings. And you will be able to deal with them more easily. It might even reduce your cravings.
Here is a vid specifically about that:
The best advise I can give, is watch the WHOLE "SSMS series from Universal Man" (Because that's what helped me most). More than once.
I hope this helps man.
Keep going strong!
#3 feeling good
Slipped and resetting my counter
Awesome. Bring it on home bro.
Reflect on how it happened (e.g. your mood, your thoughts, the environment you were in, etc.) Use the setback to power you forward buddy.
13days down. Today day 14. About to make two weeks.
I couldn't access Internet. But gonna try to keep updating as much as I can. I have been feeling ok. Low sexual urges. Most days I didn't feel anything. My friend even showed me some nudes of his babe. But I wasn't moved sexually. So I guess am gaining control of the sexual urges
Hope you the song. It has some great message
Day 58! Yesss
I think you’re right. There’s still a part of me that thinks I’m a loser and that what I need to do is lock myself up in my room for the rest of time and do PM all the time.
The things you say about P being fake I have already realised a long time ago and that’s why I’ve improved a lot already. But it’s like, that’s one part of my brain realising that, while at the same time in a corner there’s still the self-hating addict popping up in ever unexpected ways.
My main takeaway from this reset is that I have to acknowledge if and when that guy is there and counter him with love and wisdom. Not make the mistake again to think I can just get to work and pretend he’s not creating havoc in my brain.
Day 1/90 here we go. I've done nofap so many times in the past, longest was around 70 days. Back at it this time shooting for the 90 day reboot, i need this!!!
So, Day 1 again. I'm realising again that the work for me is building self love. Every relapse comes out of a temporary return to the belief that I'm a piece of shit and the resulting desire to indulge in something - PM, excessive Facebooking, extreme pleasing behaviour, etc. - to run away from that belief. And because I spent so much time in my life repeating and affirming that belief to myself, I have to spent every minute telling myself the opposite now.
So, that's the project this time. 90 days of affirming self love. If I'm compassionate to myself, I won't feel the need to look for P. If I do feel the need to look for P, that means I have to look at the self-hate beneath it and take time to counter it with compassion.
It's soon to be 3 days no PMO. I feel good. Going to turn of the laptop now and get some sleep before starting Day 4.
Ah, and I’ll try that journal idea. I have been keeping a daily journal of good things that I did during the day - that was something my Buddhism teacher advised me to do. I’ll try and expand it with some daily insight as well. I’ll check the video to see how he advises to do it. Thanks a lot!
I had insane urges yesterday. And I already went for a walk, I hadn't exercised, I tried breathing exercises and whatever, sometimes they went away a little but they came back.
So, It was at that moment where I felt those strong cravings, where I noticed that the reason for me to let my guard down would be the thought of that the cravings will never stop.
So I asked myself, when will the cravings stop or become much less?. Because I wouldn't be able to live with cravings like this in my day to day life.
So I went and googled about the average time that it takes for the cravings to drop and that gave me the answer I was looking for.
And together with all my other reasons to stop (which I think everyone here has a lot of them), I had a reason to maintain this suffering and future sufferings (cravings) until I have a very long streak where my cravings ultimately dropped. The cravings are also always temporary.
So at the end, I just watched Netflix with the insane urges until they went away. (Not recommended though). It could have been playing the guitar, exercising, going for a walk, socializing, but it happened to be watching netflix at that moment.
I obviously had to watch something 0% sexual. And My 100% intention had to be dedicated towards recovery and to shifting my thoughts and not being afraid of myself.
And surprisingly they went away and I felt extremely proud of myself still feeling proud today.
I also slept well. No sexual thoughts or dreams whatsoever.
And today, I don't feel any big cravings yet, but they may come.
And I'll just repeat the process.
Let's keep going.