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Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by 2525, Oct 27, 2017.
Congratulations, me too jeje...
I feel I won the first game for the WC Qualification!!! We can!!
Day 4 of 90.Feeling confident about quitting PMO....
One day left? You lucky bugger! Congrats!
Day 2: Feeling super lazy. With the corona panic, all gyms are closed so I just worked out at home and ran a few miles.
All the best.
Day 17/90 check in
Onto Day 3!!
Day 2 of this streak, in which my focus is to constantly increase self love and keep reminding myself of my determination to get rid of PM. I joined this forum 134 days ago. Of those 134 days, I was 123 days without PM.
Good luck mate!
Day 10 No M,
Day 80 No P
I haven't been on here for a while. I was talking with a girl online and we were planning on meeting, she sent me naked pics and videos which turned me on and made me masturbate. Then I ended up watching porn for a few days in a row. Tpday it's 11:40pm here and I haven't had any P,M,O today. I was starting to feel like P&M and then I stumbled across a facebook post which put me off haha. Things didn't work out with the girl and she cancelled our meeting. I think I will try to restart the reboot so I'll change my timer and today will be day 0 again here is the post which put me off P & M
Failed again!! I don't think I'm strong enough to do this
Fuck. Relapsed majorly. Again.
I'm having a lot of trouble controlling my brain. There's the conscious part that wants to quit P, then there's the unconscious part that simply doesn't. It's time that I face that. I keep finding I'm much more addicted than I tend to think. And willpower alone will not get me out of here.
But after about 7 years of trying to really quit, I'm not sure what will...
3 days. Already had major urges hit me last night. Really bouncing off the bottom of this relapse.
But I just tried to keep reminding myself, how I'd feel *afterword* if I PMO'd - remorseful, ashamed, depleted, depressed, nauseated, etc. It helped to fend off the worst of it.
I know the pattern so well by now. I can either let it repeat over and over until I just spiral back down into darkness and helplessness, or I can choose to stop it, one day at a time, and build my self-discipline, self-respect, and inner strength back up.
I know how you feel, friend. I've been at this for a few years now myself. I get your discouragement. I think what makes it hard for long-term habitual users like us is that there's no real middle ground to turn to anymore. We'd like to think we can self-indulge from time to time and 'keep it under control', but even if in the past we were able to, that time is long gone now. I know for me I've learned that if I open the door to porn, then it will just keep opening wider until a flood is pouring in. This happens every time now.
It hurts to face it, but therein also lies power, because once you see the singular truth of it, you don't have to waste time and energy negotiating with yourself, trying to find some kind of 'arrangement' with PMO - you can just summarily reject it in totality. I'm not saying doing this is easy, of course, I'm just saying the clarity of it can help steel your determination when you feel like giving in, and giving up. In any case man, you're not alone, trust me.
I made an analysis of the last 5 months - the months that I've been doing this challenge.
The first 56 days were a great streak, even though I peeked a few times for a few minutes, but - as I thought at the time, wrongly - so short it didn't count. Then I did MO, without P but based on a fantasy that was still very much rooted in the types of erotic stories that I am addicted to, so I decided to start again.
Then the fertility treatments of my girlfriend entered my life and I had to do MO a few times in a hospital, which I found so awkward that I used P. For that, I went back in my head to all the scenes and stories that used to turn me on, and inevitably that has reawakened the part of my brain that considers P desirable. And that part wakes up especially in times of stress and anxiety. This has lead to 10 relapses in 2.5 months, including the one of today - so roughly once a week.
If I want to truly kick P, I have to do stop M too. Even though I don't think M is harmful in itself, it is too connected to P in my brain, even in terms of fantasies. If the fertility treatments continue, this will be hard, but I have to find a way to make that work.
I am still very much addicted and there is still a part of me very much alive that considers PM very appealing. This means I can not trust myself fully and I have to commit more diligently to my new habits, even - especially - when I think it's alright to give myself some slack.
This also means I must give the part of me that does want to quit P more firepower: I have to read more about why quitting P is the way to go and remind myself at least once a day of these reasons.
I have to work much harder on developing habits and techniques to calm myself down in times of stress and anxiety. This means:
More pauses and moments where I take a deep breath and tell myself that I'm okay
Scheduling short meditation sessions during the day - everyday
If you guys have more advice for me, it's very welcome. I do feel extremely disappointed in myself now, but I'm trying not to give into that and stay focused on learning from this and growing.
Thank you, and you are totally right. There can be no negotiating anymore. And whenever I find that I start thinking that I can, that means that I simply cannot trust that thought. Now I have to find ways of constantly reminding myself of that.