Day 30!! After today I'll be a third of the way there! Still, I have to remember to take it one day at a time. Looking ahead is too much. I just need to stay clean for today.
I'm in such a weird state. I keep wanting to look for something arousing when I'm on my computer or on my phone, only when I see something I feel nothing and then I shut if off, disappointed and ashamed. I have this deep feeling of emptiness, so I try to fill it, grabbing for the one thing that used to do that trick (P-subs) but now I get 0 satisfaction out of that anymore. So then I go back and there's still this huge emptiness. I guess this is the real hard work: now that my addiction is not working to numb me anymore, I'm staring straight into the void of my anxieties.
Those are the stages of recovery, congs on expriencing them. all you have to avoid is the false belief that those things nolonger trigger you. What your doing is playing with fire
Day 2/90 Today was a bit busy and started doing some physical exercises. It is helping to control. Day by day slowly.....
Day 20 - 6:39pm - 11/11/20 Today was a low output day, I had very little motivation. This is because I started my day very badly, woke up past my alarm and watched 30 minutes of youtube before work which is never how I start a day. The day got better as time passed, I cracked on with work later in the day. Wont make this too long, still going, urges only occur in the morning while in bed and during the day they do not occur at all. overall mood is currently high and I feel assertive.
Hey Bro - You got the legendary chaser effect occurring for sure. I remember when I was getting to the end of my relapse and decided I had to give up P again, for the sake of my life, that first day was agony. It only started getting better after a week or so, but even then I had to be extremely vigilant because often I will make excuses and let my guard down. This experience taught me that I couldn't watch or look at anything remotely suggestive - and especially none of my (ahem!) "special interests" I'd developed in my time. It was unwise for me to think in a prolonged manner about it either. Relaxation and breathing exercises helped me so much at this stage - and I still practice them today, though not as much as I ought to - this is the kind of thing that I must watch, complacency is a real enemy in this process, especially after a long time clean. Stay strong for us all - your recovery will ultimately help another brother in dire need - keep the flame alive and pass it on.
Day 36 today. It was all right, not much arousal today. I did not have urges to M or do something sexual. Although it might be because I am extremely busy with work lately. Still, one day down, one day closer to recovery, and a better life.
You’re absolutely right. I’m well aware that if I keep this up I’ll eventually relapse. I had a period like this a month ago and I managed to get out then but now I’m back. It’s just this intense yearning for just something, and the added frustration that I can’t find it, that I really didn’t expect. It’s a new stage of recovery and it’s slippery here for sure. Thanks for reminding me.
Day 44/90 no PMO Day 44 no key word searches for P or P-subs Day 655 attempting this challenge Global Counter 95% success since joining Day 233 weight training (M, W, F) Lifestyle: reduced caffeine, alcohol, sweets, and FB video feed (has porn subs)
