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Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by Deleted Account, Mar 19, 2019.
Day 2 of 90
Day 2/90, more motivations, lets goooo
Ok, I'm 6 days into a streak and am committing to a 90 day challenge. No porn, no masturbation for 90 days. My 90 days will be complete on the 24th of September. Here I go!!
Day 7 I think... or 8... how do we see our day counter without going back and searching through for our last post?? Is there somewhere it is displayed? Not found it yet.
Anyway, last night I felt a general sense of tension and frustration and it seemed clear that I would normally use masturbation to release that. So it felt difficult to let that be and trust that my system will find other ways to balance itself out. It wasn't unbearable, but uncomfortable and lead me to staying up way later than normal and so today I feel underslept, tired and groggy. Have noticed some waves of craving come and go this morning. I guess masturbation has been an integral part of my body's self regulation for most of my life. So I am curious how I will adapt. I am definitely committed to relinquishing porn, permanently, once and for all. In terms of masturbation itself I am committed to abstaining for 90 days initially to see what the benefits might be. I don't see M as something inherently problematic, I see it as potentially problematic. I am prepared to go longer if I don't get distinct advantages from 90 days
The benefits that I would hope to experience are: better mood balance, more calm, better sleep, more social confidence, more creative energy, more motivation, more ease of connection with women I am interested in, to actually have a sex life again, to find a well matched partner somewhere down the line, greater self acceptance, greater sense of self integrity, increased ability to delay gratification, in other words patience and self control.
I expect to feel worse before I feel better. I already feel a sense of achievement and occasional feelings of increased energy at my disposal.
There's this awareness that my system sees porn as a 'normal' thing, as an expected part of the environment. It isn't. It's insidious, toxic pollution in the human environment. Intense attraction to women is the 'natural' thing. Porn is this weird drug-like phenomenon that people found to hijack that natural system, to feed off its incredibly powerful energy for their own profit. It has drained off the energy in me that would have been channeled in to creative activities and social activity and creating the relationship that I want and need. Wait, correction, I am not a helpless victim. I chose to drain off my energy in this way because it was the easy way and perhaps I didn't believe in myself to use the energy other ways, and that this would actually lead to a better experience. I am complicit and admitting this gives me some power back. This is a tragedy that I can't quite feel the depth of in this moment, but I know it's tragic. I don't know what my life would be in that alternative reality where I never got into porn, I just know that I want to create a present and future for myself where I consciously express my sexual energy in ways that are fully aligned with my sense of truth and integrity.
Day 3 of 90
Even more motivations, lets gooo
Day 0/90. Keep failing over and over. I will wake up early- coffee, reading, study, gym. Never give up.
day 18 --> 0/90
I relapsed today. I couldnt resist. Starting again.
4/90, lets go
Day 8/90. Going strong today. Feeling more relaxed and more engaged in life.
0/90, yes I relapsed, but I will not surrender, I will do it.
Day 19, still going strong
Day 30/90.. Come on crew! Stay together and don't look back!!
Lets start all over again