90 Day Hard mode reboot, Then what?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by whitehouse, Apr 8, 2020.

  1. whitehouse

    whitehouse Fapstronaut

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    Good day gents,

    I have spent a fair amount of time going through the various forums and if there is one area that I am battling to find information on, it's around the protocol or rather standard procedure after one has completed a reboot of a specific amount of time.

    As it stands I am currently on Day 9 of a 90 Day Hard mode reboot, and I understand that it may seem like I am getting a bit ahead of myself but I don't think that is the case. I am just curious.

    Basically does one eventually reach a point where they have successfully rebooted? By that I mean is it realistic for me to hope that one day I can reach a point where I can engage in "healthy" masturbation?

    Is "healthy" masturbation even a thing once you have become addicted to PMO? I mean in my mind I would not categorize masturbating once or twice a week (obviously without using porn) as necessarily problematic, provided that one is single. Is this a little delusional?

    I guess the reason I ask is because I don't want to find myself in position where I end up having sex with someone I don't really like, purely for the sake of having a sexual release, when masturbation would have done the trick. Or is the problem that I feel that I sexual release is something that is needed?

    Any advice or insight in this regard would be greatly appreciated?
     
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  2. whitehouse

    whitehouse Fapstronaut

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    *appreciated. (OCD)
     
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  3. domsi

    domsi Fapstronaut

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    this isnt based on facts, but my opinion only. i dont think that we who are pmo addicts can ever masturbate "healthily".i havent heard of any sober alcoholics, smokers or other substance abusers who were able to go back to a "healthy" amount of using their drug of choice, why would it be different for porn? once the pathways in your brain are set, they wont go away. you can push them into the background, but if you do something connected to the old habit, you will see them emerge instantaneously. i suppose that older guys, who started out with magazines and got access to the internet only later in life could maybe practise a "healthy" amount of masturbation, but i highly doubt that any of us young guys can succeed at that. for what ive seen and experienced myself, masturbation always leads back to porn.

    to the second point you made, well why would you have sex with someone you dont like? are you so unable to control your urges that you cant go through a period of abstinence? furthermore, is there some specific reason for you not to have an actual relationship with a person you like and who likes you back?
     
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  4. whitehouse

    whitehouse Fapstronaut

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    Thanks mate for taking the time to respond. I am fully on board with the first part of your response and your comparison with substance abuse does carry some validity. However I think it ignores one important reality, that recovery from substances involves not only complete abstinence, but also the avoidance of people places that are somehow connected to to the old habit. With sex addiction, abstinence from all forms of sex indefinitely, is not really practical nor desirable.

    I think a better comparison would be that of somebody with an eating disorder. The solution is not to stop eating but rather to find a healthy way to eat by changing their relationship with food. I guess that is what I want to find with my sexuality, and what I am trying to get is a picture in my head of what that might actually look like and entail.

    With regards to having sex with somebody that I don't like, I am afraid it is something that I have done on numerous occasions, simply because I don't have to "like" somebody in order to be physically attracted to them. To be honest I often think I like someone until I sleep with them, only to realize that I was thinking with my dick or looking for some kind of validation. This is the scenario that I would like to avoid in the future and I was hoping that a healthy wank would help me steer clear of making those mistakes.

    At the end of the day I think you are right, I need to be able to control my urges, and also figure out why I find relationships so daunting.

    Just out of interest, I assume from your tag that you allow yourself to orgasm during sex at this stage. Do you feel like this is something that you can maintain for the rest of your life? are you content?

    Thanks once again
     
  5. watermellon28

    watermellon28 Fapstronaut

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    Masturbating is a healthy thing, the problem is excessive porn consumption and subsequently excessive masturbation... which in my case leads to reduced confidence and feeling anxious around people which I normally do not feel, I can usually feel shy but not anxious.

    My goal with doing through this journey is to basically start by restoring my brain to it's normal function, without all the retarded ass anxiety and what not, and afterwards you can do one of many things, imo the best thing to do is to either continue or to masturbate without porn, or at the very least tone down your porn use to where it's not fucking you over on a daily basis.
     
  6. Superman#

    Superman# Fapstronaut

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    I can't agree with you on the first line. That's what the internet will tell you, you can masturbate for that number of times , you will get cancer if you don't do it and all that "bla bla bla".

    Masturbation is not a "healthy" thing and will never be.
     
  7. Fork2323

    Fork2323 Fapstronaut

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    How about having sex with a healthy partner instead of sitting alone jerking off.. That is what is Healthy.
     
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  8. Fork2323

    Fork2323 Fapstronaut

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    I've been at this struggle for 36 years.. I'm now 51. I have Never found a healthy way to masturbate, and I tried them all.. The problem is that in order to get off i always went back to using euphoric recall from scenes in porn movies and running those through my mind. Or using images from the slutiest girls i had sex with that was like porno sex.
    The problem is not masturbating, the problem is what you think about when you do it.. Its basicly just creating your own porn in your mind and thus still you alone jerking off all by yourself and quite pathetic.
    What you can learn instead is to have healthy sex with a loving heart connection to a person you actually like and care about.. I made a list of the qualities I want in a partner and try to stick to it.. And I say a mantra or prayer around this area in my morning meditation. "Sex is great, sex is wonderful, sex is beautiful, but must be done with an appropriate partner in a relationship based on mutual love, respect, and compassion..
    Also once you get clean time and truly reboot.. You will find the pursuit of sex becomes less important and you can focus on other things like earning money, your health, your career.. Etc. Getting laid and getting sex becomes secondary in your life..
    And its not like food.. You have to eat or die.. If you dont have sex you will not die. You will be fine.. It will feel like you are dying.. In fact a part of you is dying.. The death of your old addicted self to be reborn a positive affirming conscious person.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2020
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  9. watermellon28

    watermellon28 Fapstronaut

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    Yep, but let's say you don't get laid, I would assume it is better to have sexual release every now and then. not every day, maybe once a week or 2 weeks. Long term anyway, neither of us are scientists but I believe not cumming in 3 years straight for example is not healthy. Everything in moderation...
    It depends, I believe masturbating(especially to porn) will make you not try to get with actual partners which is definitely bad.
    However, as I said to fork, I don't believe going to the extreme is the best option. Sex is as primal as food, if you don't have food it's not good, so having no sex couldn't be good. Mind you this does not mean you need to cum every day, but if you do not cum for years that couldn't be good for u... I've read several pages online about losing your libido if you do not cum for that long.

    To clarify, I think it is great to do nofap, but I do believe rubbing one out once a week/month and abstaining from porn would be ideal. Unless you get laid in which case u don't need to rub it
     
  10. domsi

    domsi Fapstronaut

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    avoiding the places and situations that used to lead you to PMO is probably necessary, at least for me, to get a good streak of Nofap going, so that part still fits into my comparison.

    to the second part, well if it was possible to change the addictive pattern to a non addictive "healthy" one, of course that would be great, but i dont think its possible, and like others here said, the ones who claim masturbation is healthy are usually the ones who profit from us indulging in it, by selling some product like porn, sextoys, or keeping bloggs that we read and that they earn money from. while masturbation is something natural that most of us discover as children on our own already, it is connected to the deepest parts of our being and shouldnt be viewed as something harmless. it can be very dangerous, as we can see on this forum, with thousands of guys ruining their lives with it. on the other hand, being thaught that it is wrong, can also destroy people, because theyre being denied from experiencing their own body and sexuality, and later on will have deeply wired feelings of guilt for doing somethint completely natural. its a really deep and complex topic, that goes way beyond my own, and i guess most other peoples understanding. but to sum up myself, cause im losing focus on what i was trying to bring across: the people who promote masturbation= bad; the people who say its the worst thing ever= bad.

    masturbating is something that every person does at some point of their life, and the action in itself is not inherently bad. but if someone took a shot of alcohol or smoked some weed every day before work, would you say thats a healthy person? i dont think it is, but i may be wrong, since i am a rather strict judge.

    my goal, and i think thats a common one on this forum, is to get rid of the pmo habbit, and be able to have healthy relationships and a healthy sexlife with real people. and the healthiest you can get is to find someone you love and who loves you back. now this may take a while, but if youre really unsure, simply dont have sex with the person as soon as you meet them. just hang out with them, find someone you love as a friend and dont go dating them immediately, i think thats the best way to build a relationship, which wont be built on sexuall attraction only.

    yes, i allow myself to have sex and orgasm, thats how i got all of my longest streaks going. its the only way to acctually rewire, because youre changing the behaviour that leads you to orgasm. i saw quite a lit of semen retention dudes on this forum, and to be frank i think theyre retarded. why would you not let your body perform its function? imagin having to pee and you dont go. and now do that for a couple of weeks, months, years. youll end uo in huge pain and extreme health problems. im not talking about guys who simply dont orgasm, im talking about people who dont even let themselves have wet dreams but try to stop those. they lack any common sense and logic in my opinion, and are going to hurt themselves physicaly and both emotionaly, because its impossible to not ever cum, but they dont understand it and will beat themselves up for something they cant control.


    im sorry if i rambled a lot, i found it extremely hard to concentrate and it took me like 45 minutes to get my thoughts into this message. ihope you understand what i was trying to say, and ill sum it up in three sentences in case you didnt:

    masturbation isnt harmless, we dont know what a healthy amount would be. a healthy sexuality includes sex with people we love. yes i orgasm with girls, cause thats what we were built to do.


    i dont have a partner atm, but i had one earlier on in my streak, which has now been going for 220 days.

    p.s. i almost deleted the whole message cause i clicked something on the side of it, would have been hillarious if they didnt have this brilliant feature that saves as you write hahaha
     
  11. Bhap

    Bhap Fapstronaut

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    I had this same thought as you are right now a bit over a year ago when I did my first reboot. What I noticed was the first 2 weeks or so I had many urges for PM and just general sex, however after a brief flatline, I found my urges towards sex decrease (probably 40days onwards). I think having cut off that high dopamine supply linked with PM really helped me view sex and women in general as less of a means to pleasure and more as a romantic and compassionate gesture. As far as your issues around sex go I think you should wait until you notice that change in attraction (and it will be quite obvious) and then do with you will as far as sex goes. However ensure in you head that this is a 100% healthy and not simply a coping mechanism.

    As far as healthy P and/or M to me they are both non-existant to me. After my reboot I began with M to images my partner sent me/my imagination, however this seemed to bring back old urges towards P and excessive M, and ultimately led to my relapse and where I am now. Obviously everyones different, however, based on my experience I would not engage in any form of M even post reboot, although it may seem harmless it can be causing unnoticed physiological changes and if anything will make you more likley to engage in the 'regrettable' and unhealthy sex that you where worried about (I know this might sound strange and if youd like to know more just let me know).

    ALSO JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM P NO MATTER WHAT, ITS JUST NEVER GOOD.
     
  12. whitehouse

    whitehouse Fapstronaut

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    Hey thanks man,

    There is some gold in there. I have always considered the idea of only having sex with someone that you love to be a bit old fashioned. I guess that modern society has conditioned us to believe that casual sex is not only OK but in certain cases can be healthy.

    If I am being honest, when I was in high school and university, I was terrified of woman and all interaction with them, I only made out a couple of times with girls when I was drunk and that was the extent of it. I hated myself because of it. It felt like everyone was getting laid but me. This drove me down a road of drugs and alcohol that took over ten years and multiple trips to rehab for me to get over. I became quite promiscuous during this period, but never with women of quality. The more fucked up somebody was, the better, as the risk of being rejected by them was far lower. I even engaged in two relationships with prostitutes. It gave me some weird form of validation when I was able to go from client to somebody that they wanted to spend time with. It made me feel different from the average john who pays for sex.

    So I got sober just over a year and a half ago. I'm slowly getting my shit together and apart from the fact that I cross-addicted in a big way to porn, my life has improved immeasurably. But there is still that deep discontentment that I feel, my heart tells me that the way to fill that hole is to fix the things made me use in the first place. I want to be desirable to women. I want to be able to choose to sleep with whomever I want. I want to be that alpha that got all the girls so effortlessly in varsity. I feel like I am introspective enough to realize that this is not the path to happiness. I want to be all things to all people. Fuck the cake, I want the whole fucking bakery!
     

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