90 Day Mark

reached 90 days. I’m incredibly happy that I made it this far. I don’t even think about watching porn anymore. I still face temptation, just as everyone else. But I’m not in a good space.

My girlfriend of four years and I called it quits officially last week. I haven’t spoken to her in a couple days after a potential argument happened. My friends are all telling me that I’m now free to do what I want, which would include talking to new women. But she’s all I’ve known for four years.

Sometimes I’m on a high. Other times I feel low. Mostly, I just feel indifferent. Right in the middle of both emotions and I’ve been trying to keep my head straight. I don’t want to jump back into things too soon. And the number one thing that my friends have told me to do: “do you.”

But I honestly don’t know what that is. Should I just learn to be by myself or do I just go on a rampage, trying to talk to every woman in sight? I won’t lie, I’ve felt conflicted between both. But ultimately, I feel as if I need to come first (no pun intended).

There are a lot of things that I wanna get done, and I’m ready to execute them all. Although it would be great to have someone to share it with, I wanna teach myself that being by myself is just as good, if not, better.

Times like this get dangerous for recovering porn addicts, but I’ll be damned if I falter by the wayside again. I have goals that I want to achieve. I’ll miss my girlfriend, but in this particular situation, I’ve also been learning.

The teachings of stoicism have taught me that everything is temporary. That includes people. I suppose the disconnect between us was meant to happen, and this is only just nature running its course. I’d be foolish to try and get in the way of it.

There are things that I obviously cannot control, but I can control my reactions to them. I know that we were together for four years and I obviously love her, but should this be the way that things were supposed to go, then I would have to teach myself to accept it. It’ll be hard, but I know i can do it.

I hope that she’ll be okay going forward, and maybe we could even be friends someday. But now, it’s time we give ourselves space to find ourselves. Within that same breath, I now look forward to October 16th.

Here’s to looking at 120 days.

 

Thank you.