So, did a 7 day trial to see if I really did have PIED, and yes, impossible to get an erection without porn. So it begins... Day 2: yesterday did a 42 mile bike ride. Today lifting weights. trying to keep my mind off images. Feeling a bit off. Work later--mid shift at the Hospital. Most likely will be a major stress fest.
Okay, so because I used to access porn via a dial up modem (yeah, I'm old) I downloaded a ton of MPEG files so that they would run smooth. I had saved those for years. Just deleted it ALL. 11,234 mpeg files, over 23Gig of space....and Jpegs gone too. Funny thing is I feel very dispassionate about it. I should be proud that I deleted it all but at the same time the sheer size of that collection disturbs me a little...
Watched Gary Wilson "The Great Porn Experiment" from TedX Glasgow. Interesting watch. Interval Workout on the bike today. 21.54 miles, 4 long interval boosting to max heart rate, one hard sprint. Felt horrible doing it felt great when done. Work today, worries me...lot of nice looking nurses at the hospital.
I should not have been worried about work. Work was horribly busy and there was not time to gaze at pretty nurses. Why I worry about working with nurses: Some are very attractive and I look at them and I start thinking things. Not things like how great a smile they have or what an awesome nurse they are. Nope. I start imagining all the porn acts I'd do to them. What, how, where. Sometimes I'd come home and Fap to porn after work while thinking about doing THAT to THEM. Then I'd feel all shit about myself. Then I'd get up in the morning and Fap to more porn because I feel like shit. Then I'd go to work and repeat. I am hoping to really break that cycle, because that is not normal. It makes me feel sick
Alright Alright! Feeling pretty great. I am so happy to be free of porn. I can now spend that time and energy on more useful or fun things. Friday I posted and then went Mountain Biking in some local woods. I usually travel to other locations because of the restrictions on trail use here, but it was great riding from home. No car! Yesterday nice easy recovery ride, walk to store, Made Pizza from scratch. made a mess out of the kitchen, cleaned up while the pizza was baking. Today: More cycling. Outside, in the sun and wind. Then walk to the store to shop for veggies for the week. Go out for dinner later. Fun fun fun! and more fun.
Day 7. Supposed to be the surge. Only thing I have surging is gas as I made some very tasty red lentil curry and while it is tasty it sure blows me away. While I was off work several Covid patients on ventilators died and a lot of patients were discharged. Census is low and work is not quite as stressful. I'm going to start taking up mediation. I have a 30 to 40 minute vacancy in my morning routine that used to be filled with Porn and masturbation so I might as well fill that hole with something useful. Alright alright, gotta go lift some weights, get ready for work, and then walk around the hospital and pretend to be busy...
Alright Alright! Last night at the hospital was 6.5 hours of boredom punctuated by 3 half hour bits of craziness...Not as bad as January by any stretch of the imagination Woke up this morning and my testicles felt really heavy and full. Probably because they are conditioned to being drained at least daily and not used to actually having anything to store. That feeling lasted until I got out of bed and the cold air hit them. Shrinkage! Thinking they are going to feel positively stuffed by the time I hit the end of Masturbation-less March Madness and move on to Anti-Fap April
Did a cold shower trial yesterday and for a good minute my neighbors must have thought Samuel L Jackson moved in. Started using the Medito app (free, in app purchases) for learning mediation today. Did 30-40 minutes intro, learning, how to stuff. Equivalent to the time I used to spend on PMO. I used to do one session PMO daily, sometimes two. At most three, which was rare and attributed to a major trigger. here's how I ended up fapping three to four times a day for a short stretch of days: I went out with a very lovely, rather hot, woman. After a couple of dates we went back to her place and the clothes just went flying. Mr Peanut, however, failed to perform. I just laughed it off, although I secretly was horrified, and proceeded to go with some oral play and massage which left her fairly satisfied. I borrowed some "Boner Medicine" from a friend. Next date came and we got all hot and bothered and Mr Peanut worked for about three minutes. Did an Encore performance of the previous oral Opera. Upset I went home, booted up the computer, and just opening the web browser to porn got a boner and fapped. Next day, Inconvenient wood that "required" PMO several times to go away, until the "Boner Medicine" was out of my system. Obviously PIED...and why I am here. Can't wait until I am well enough to get proper use of the tool.
Trying to slide into cold shower mode by starting hot, soaping up, rinsing, then cranking it cold, trying for less hot time with each repetition. Yesterday's cold shower was the worst. I get goosebumps just thinking about how bad that one was. And I will go for it again today before work.
Listening to a lot of Youtube by Scandinavian Bob about NoFap. Great stuff. When I quit drugs, I started by defining my self as Drug Free, no longer a Druggie. When I quit smoking, I defined myself as a Non-Smoker Now, I am a No Fapper. I do not masturbate
Well, I think maybe I am flatlining as Mr. Peanut is now No Wood. Nothing. That's okay though, I expected this. I forge ahead with my plan. At night, I make a plan for the next day. The next day I do the plan. So today was wake up routine. Meditate Exchange filter on fish tank. Clean bathroom. Clean/Sterilize bird feeders. Exercise. Journal (hello). Make healthy lunch for work while eating lunch. Work ready and work, come home, cool down. bed. Kind of hard to think about the death of my dick when I am this busy
My Dick is dead, Long Live my Dick! Definitely flatlining At work there are several nurses I like a lot. I won't pursue these because casual dating workmates is a bad idea. There's one, though, that is just really great. She's hot, smart, sweet, kind, funny...you get the picture. She works dayshift, I work Swing (1500-2330) so we overlap by 30 minutes. Around Christmas I saw her at the work and she insisted on getting a Christmas hug. Hell, I was not turning that down! Boing--BONER. Got a hug from her yesterday and nothing. Not even a bit. Last night work was crazy busy and stressful. Normally I deal pretty well with this. But I got bad cravings last night for junk food. I ended up eating two bagels with cream cheese spread. This is not normal for me, I usually eat much healthier than that. Fortunately I was running around enough to burn the food off, but still, I am going to have to monitor this and make sure it is not a trend.
Sung to the tune of "The witch is dead" from Wizard of Oz: "Ding, Dong my dick is dead My dick is dead, my dick is dead, Ding Dong my flatlined dick is dead!" Not feeling particularly motivated but am going to get a ride in today, Flatline dick death is a good thing, Right? Means progress is being made
Well now, gotta say that this adventure is full of surprises. I had been struggling to get below 195 pounds, and now, without any increased effort, boom, done. I cannot attribute this to increased exercise because I do tend to exercise everyday. Some days weights, some days bike riding. Diet? no changes there either. Maybe I am enjoying a change in hormone levels due to nofap?
I cannot believe I've almost made it 30 days. I get some urges now and then. I try to observe them dispassionately, recognize them. I don't fight it, I just don't let it control me. I have been using the "Medito" app for learning mediation. Trying mediation has been on my annual goals list for about a decade, but not wasting time on porn means more time to try new stuff.
Had a bit of wood this morning. Not a full on Giant Sequoia more like a redwood sapling. Half hard and really sensitive. Lasted for a bit after the morning urination. Hunh, weird.... I find having a routine is both helpful and detrimental. My previous routine: wake up, pee, weigh in, log weight and % body fat in spreadsheet, take Blood Pressure, log BP and pulse, make coffee, fill bird feeder and feed cats while coffee brews, shave, clean catbox, Coffee and breakfast while cleaning up kitchen. Defecation, read emails while drinking coffee, masturbate to porn, defecate, exercise. I have replaced masturbate to porn with meditation, in the same time slot, which helps with cravings but at the same time my morning habit leaves me greatly tempted. Giant Positive note: Three ICU patients dies last night on my shift. Usually this would make me an emotional mess but I think I stayed strong and a bit stoic either because I am flatlined or maybe I am developing some personal strength
On Day One I made the decision that I would never fap to porn ever again. I define myself as a Man who is seeking to find his Best Self and who does not masturbate. The day counter is kind of irrelevant in that I no longer see myself as someone who does the PMO routine. Still, I see it as a gauge of slow progress. I never understood the define yourself thing until I quit smoking. I defined myself as a Non-Smoker. Yes, nicotine patches helped. But two weeks in to that journey I went to Spain for two weeks to attend my Brother's wedding. Everyone smokes Everywhere in Spain. But I did not relapse because I now did not see myself as a smoker and smoking kind of grossed me out. I have applied the same mentality to NoFap. Internet porn is disgusting and gross and I am not one who does that.
Revelation today: We are bombarded with and surrounded by sex/eroticisms in everyday life through advertising. I saw an ad for a flooring store. Yes, a flooring store, you know, carpet, linoleum, tile, hardwood...Anyway, first they show a mixed race couple, she is Indian/Desi. She turns to look at a floor sample and her BOOBS are lighter than all the rest of her shirt, they are prominently midframe, and as she reaches to touch the floor sample she arches her back making those BOOBS even more prominent. She touches the flooring sample with what appears to be a caress and pushes her boobs up and out even more. They then flash to a car being loaded and a woman comes to enter the driver side of the vehicle and at first the only thing in the frame is boobs.... And that's just a flooring store, think about any ad for alcohol or cars. It's no wonder we get fucked up--we are fed sex/eroticism constantly through advertising and media.
Crazy weekend at the Hospital--Full Moon and the ER was full on nuts. Pretty stressful, which makes backsliding into old behaviors easier. I handled it though. When I had a moment I took a time out for meditation which really helped. Woke up this morning to a throbbing/pumping feeling in Mr. Peanut and the Boys. Thought what the hell? No ejaculation, just throbbing. The Boys felt very heavy and Mr. Peanut was pretty dang solid. For a second I had the urge to stroke it but instead I got up and took a piss.
Have a date tonight...wondering how it will go or not go. Should be interesting. Might be cold shower before and after
