90 days without Porn - transwoman Recovery

Hello brothers,

Today I'm on my 91th day without porn.

3 months back, I couldn't imagine that I could do it. I was struggling with massive anxiety, depression, shame, guilt and so on. Sex workers, massage parlors and hardcore / transgressive porn was my drug.

It's been 3 years now that I admitted for the first time that porn and sex was a major issue for me. 3 years of trying to break the loop on my own, experiencing highs and lows of an addict trying to heal from his own patterns.

To break short : I started watching porn when I was 13, visiting escorts when I was 17, massage parlors when I was 24. I am now 29. A lot of us here took the same road, and we all know how it works. Escalating in new genres, slowly but surely, until we wake up one day and we ask ourselves "What the fuck have I become ?"

I am on a spiritual path, and I already stopped cannabis and alcohol addiction, but it took a lot more time for me to understand that porn was a problem. I always loved girls, and since I grew up and discovered porn, I found a "paradise" in those sites. The same happened later with escorts. All those beautiful girls I always dreamed of were so easy to find that it blew my mind, and it quickly became normal to me.

For some, the click happens when they have ED. For me, starting to question my heterosexuality had been the click. I started watching videos of domina, hypnosis, then transwomen, and it happened after nearly 15 years of slowly digging the hole of porn. Some of us never go so deep, but I did. I couldn't stop but I couldn't bear it psychologically. Because I crossed my own barriers. That is what addiction does. It's about transgression, shame, guilt and the loop goes on.

I could only post a list of benefits that I experienced throughout those 90 days away from porn and I will of course give you some, but what I want to point out being on this site for a while and seeing some of us struggling, is that only abstaining from porn, from masturbation, from sex, from orgasm won't ever solve our problems. This is a pretty lie, so we want to believe it, but still, this is a lie. There is no quick fix in this life. There is no magic pill. Well being and happiness most of the time comes out of deep suffering, work and discipline.

After a few attempts in stopping porn, and relapsing, I found myself in a state where it was worst than ever. In quantity, quality and for my psychological health. Why ? Because when I had no problem with the fact of viewing porn, I was not facing myself in the mirror. We start to face ourselves when the war begins, and when we lose battles. Understanding our reactions and psychological patterns when we relapse, I think, is one of the major key to break this addiction. What part of yourself do you want to escape binging in porn ? Which emotions ? That's some of the question we have to ask ourselves, because no matter which addiction we are facing, there always are reasons for us to binge in it.

About 6 months ago, I was cloth to be hospitalized because of major anxiety issues. At the last moment, I decided not to go, but I started counseling with a psychiatrist, and to face myself every week for an hour, seeking for the roots of my addiction patterns. Trauma, family, childhood, morals and so on. Being honest and open about parts of me that I often hide even from myself. And believe me, that is a huge step, and a huge help.

I talk for those of us who are really addicts. Because I see some people in here that don't even seem to be. They watch porn every now and then, saw NoFap benefits and tried it like some magic pill but there isn't much to it if you don't have a real problem with that. Maybe a little more energy, but I think it really is LIFE-CHANGING for true addicts that have to go through the hardest battle.

For those, I want to tell you that you should be humble enough to talk about it, not only on this forum, but in real life too. I know how it feels when we are dealing with deep shame and guilt. We have such a low opinion of ourselves that we think we are monsters and that nobody could understand what we are watching, doing or whatever. But this isn't true. We are humans, sexuality and psychology are so linked that no matter how much of a struggle it is, it stays really classic for whom knows a little about humanity, spirituality, psychology. Go seek a therapist if you need to. A good one. They are trained for this and you could get way more benefits out of it than you could imagine. It is hard, but what do you prefer ? Staying stuck in this habit that is killing you ? Or facing your shadows one after another and discovering that the one you were before the addiction took place still exists ? I took my chance, and though it is a long and hard process, I feel generally a whole lot better since a few months. And I keep working.

I wish you all the best in your battle and I hope everyone will find his way out of this. Not only porn, but addiction. Let's take it to the roots and heal ourselves.

If some have questions, go on, I'd be happy to help if I can.

Now the battle goes on, I don't stop my streak because I want this to end lifelong for me. I'm done and will try my best to stick with it.

 

Thank you both, I appreciate it.

Spot on. I too am straight, but with time I understand that transwoman escalation works the same way as other escalations. And the common factor is girls. Face, breasts, ass. That's just what I go for. Desensitized as I am, I just look for another thing added. First, it was a girl + one girl. A girl + a profession. A girl + submission/dominance. A girl + hypnosis. A girl + feet. And you know what, I don't have any foot fetish. Though for months, I watched that kind of porn. transwoman is just the same. Irresistible attraction to feminine traits + trangression factor, taboo. What makes it so addictive is the guilt and shame we experience from the homosexual factor of watching a dick instead of a vagina. And the need to transgress comes from GUILT.

As we play guilt down by working on ourselves and understanding the addiction and psychology behind it better, then the urge to transgress will eventually fade away.

That's the trap : guilt attracts an unconscious and nearly irresistible urge of transgression, which is followed by more guilt, and the cycle continues...

Let's undercover every emotion underlying our addiction and we soon are free.

 

I do sometimes but less and less. I'm working on it on therapy. I don't mind much about it now, I don't watch it. Fantasies come and go, it's just fantasies, as weird as dreams may be. If they completely go away, great. If they don't, I'll deal with it.

 

I didn't have ED or lose horniness on females, so I can't say much about that. I hope you'll heal soon, be patient bro

I don't think it is good to talk about it to everybody, neither to share every single detail, I just think it is good to share a little with some trusted ones. For the details, I prefer to share it in the discretion of therapy.

 

I see what you mean. Actually, when I started looking at it, I felt like at the end of the movie "Requiem for a dream". Now I'm calm with all this, but it takes work to calm down and understand all things that led to it.

 

transwoman fantasies magically stopped since my last therapy session... I just can't.

 

Thanks man, I suppose it will come back sometimes for a while but I know it will disappear totally once I get my full power back. I think there are full of reasons for this type of fantasies to grow and I'll take time to help when I'll be healed from it. I know a lot struggle with this.

 

Man I have a long story with these emotions... As I keep going on this road I tend to think that as we may think these are caused by the addiction, it is in fact the cause of the addiction.

Addiction is a terrible thing to experience but I think it has a purpose, which may be revealing those underlying emotions. And eventually heal them.

 

I don't even remember what I was talking about during it. I've talked randomly about family, sexuality, addiction, dreams, emotions, life experiences for about 8 months every week. Then stuff happens. Sometimes not much for weeks, sometimes a quick disappearance of a symptom...

Again, there is no magic pill, nothing that will work as efficiently for each individual. I just follow my inner path and invite everybody to follow his...