90 days without Porn - transwoman Recovery

chonky · Jul 31, 2019

Joe92 said: ↑

Hello brothers,

Today I'm on my 91th day without porn.

3 months back, I couldn't imagine that I could do it. I was struggling with massive anxiety, depression, shame, guilt and so on. Sex workers, massage parlors and hardcore / transgressive porn was my drug.

It's been 3 years now that I admitted for the first time that porn and sex was a major issue for me. 3 years of trying to break the loop on my own, experiencing highs and lows of an addict trying to heal from his own patterns.

To break short : I started watching porn when I was 13, visiting escorts when I was 17, massage parlors when I was 24. I am now 29. A lot of us here took the same road, and we all know how it works. Escalating in new genres, slowly but surely, until we wake up one day and we ask ourselves "What the fuck have I become ?"

I am on a spiritual path, and I already stopped cannabis and alcohol addiction, but it took a lot more time for me to understand that porn was a problem. I always loved girls, and since I grew up and discovered porn, I found a "paradise" in those sites. The same happened later with escorts. All those beautiful girls I always dreamed of were so easy to find that it blew my mind, and it quickly became normal to me.

For some, the click happens when they have ED. For me, starting to question my heterosexuality had been the click. I started watching videos of domina, hypnosis, then transwomen, and it happened after nearly 15 years of slowly digging the hole of porn. Some of us never go so deep, but I did. I couldn't stop but I couldn't bear it psychologically. Because I crossed my own barriers. That is what addiction does. It's about transgression, shame, guilt and the loop goes on.

I could only post a list of benefits that I experienced throughout those 90 days away from porn and I will of course give you some, but what I want to point out being on this site for a while and seeing some of us struggling, is that only abstaining from porn, from masturbation, from sex, from orgasm won't ever solve our problems. This is a pretty lie, so we want to believe it, but still, this is a lie. There is no quick fix in this life. There is no magic pill. Well being and happiness most of the time comes out of deep suffering, work and discipline.

After a few attempts in stopping porn, and relapsing, I found myself in a state where it was worst than ever. In quantity, quality and for my psychological health. Why ? Because when I had no problem with the fact of viewing porn, I was not facing myself in the mirror. We start to face ourselves when the war begins, and when we lose battles. Understanding our reactions and psychological patterns when we relapse, I think, is one of the major key to break this addiction. What part of yourself do you want to escape binging in porn ? Which emotions ? That's some of the question we have to ask ourselves, because no matter which addiction we are facing, there always are reasons for us to binge in it.

About 6 months ago, I was cloth to be hospitalized because of major anxiety issues. At the last moment, I decided not to go, but I started counseling with a psychiatrist, and to face myself every week for an hour, seeking for the roots of my addiction patterns. Trauma, family, childhood, morals and so on. Being honest and open about parts of me that I often hide even from myself. And believe me, that is a huge step, and a huge help.

I talk for those of us who are really addicts. Because I see some people in here that don't even seem to be. They watch porn every now and then, saw NoFap benefits and tried it like some magic pill but there isn't much to it if you don't have a real problem with that. Maybe a little more energy, but I think it really is LIFE-CHANGING for true addicts that have to go through the hardest battle.

For those, I want to tell you that you should be humble enough to talk about it, not only on this forum, but in real life too. I know how it feels when we are dealing with deep shame and guilt. We have such a low opinion of ourselves that we think we are monsters and that nobody could understand what we are watching, doing or whatever. But this isn't true. We are humans, sexuality and psychology are so linked that no matter how much of a struggle it is, it stays really classic for whom knows a little about humanity, spirituality, psychology. Go seek a therapist if you need to. A good one. They are trained for this and you could get way more benefits out of it than you could imagine. It is hard, but what do you prefer ? Staying stuck in this habit that is killing you ? Or facing your shadows one after another and discovering that the one you were before the addiction took place still exists ? I took my chance, and though it is a long and hard process, I feel generally a whole lot better since a few months. And I keep working.

I wish you all the best in your battle and I hope everyone will find his way out of this. Not only porn, but addiction. Let's take it to the roots and heal ourselves.

If some have questions, go on, I'd be happy to help if I can.

Now the battle goes on, I don't stop my streak because I want this to end lifelong for me. I'm done and will try my best to stick with it.
Click to expand...

What is ED.

kruznick · Aug 1, 2019

Joe92 said: ↑

These fantasies definitely fade away... I'm great man. I have a new girlfriend that I love and I'm still attracted by girls, more than ever.

I've quitted medication which I've been under for a year now (antidepressors). 3 weeks without any pill and I feel great, New work, new woman, new life ! And No Porn : day 233 !!!!

Don't give up !!!
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233 Days is very impressive!

kingbob3 · Aug 1, 2019

Day 23.

Earlier I used to count days on my diary journal, but I failed so many times every morning I used to right day0, next morning again day0, sometimes I used to reach day3, then again day0. My best was day33. After that I binged for so long to porn, after getting depleted I started with an mobile app, every night I used to enter my entry that whether the day went clean or not, my best got increased to my all time best day65, then again I relapsed, binged for many months and here I am on this forum.
I read somewhere that when you are accountable, when you have this feeling that someone is reading your journals, your daily entries, then you get bound to be disciplined. Thats why I think days are just a number, but its really important to convince your self with days result, in that way you actually get content that yes now I am at home. Like if you achieve a successful nofap of 90days you might or might not get that feeling. I have not been there but I really want to be there. As far as this forum is concerned I enjoy writing here, who knows some random human who might be struggling through his day gets motivated reading my post and gains strength to fight his battles. Thats what we are here for, humans. We are social animals, we need each other to progress to prosper and learn from other people. I gain my strength to fight by this feeling of giving and helping someone. Thats what my motto is.

“You can receive just by giving.” - Anonymous

Joe92 · Aug 1, 2019

chonky said: ↑

What is ED.
Click to expand...

Érectile dysfunction

Fuséé · Jan 12, 2020

Hi Joe92 how are you actually ? are you always struggling with porn addiction ?

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90 days without Porn - transwoman Recovery

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