A 30 day start and an absence of Shame

My decision to do a 90 challenge was out of desperation. I was was essentially dying as a man. My fixation with porn had gripped my life for many many years and now in retirement the days were filled with how do I get my next hit of porn. In the morning, when alone on the web or at night when my wife had gone to bed. The cycle continued over and over again. Then something clicked. It was an instance at a church function where I suddenly felt the "absence of shame" and strong sense of goodness. It was brief but I wanted it again. I then became aware of NoFAP and started my 90 day challenge. My determination to do this was a big 10+. I had been on a Weight Watcher program for six months and had lost 40 lbs. Now close to 50. I have followed through on getting into a regular exercise program. I went to my priest and confessed my addiction to porn and told him everything. I cried uncontrollably and felt the healing that comes with forgiveness. My penance was to say a Rosary for next 3 days. I have never said the rosary by myself and for myself. I have been doing it everyday for the last 3 weeks and plan on continuing.

My confidence level is very strong but also realistic. I have fleeting fantasies about porn or M. They come unexpectedly and kinda jolt you. Recently, had one where I awoke and it was so real I thought I had climaxed. I have had some mood swings but nothing too dramatic.

The good stuff is that I have seen a big boost in energy, especially in the last week or so. I am doing stuff around the house that had been put off for way too long. My mobility has improved. I have arthritis in my joints with one total knee replacement. There is a definite "giddy up" in my step. I am much more affectionate and attentive to my wife. Social anxiety has always been an issue for me. I recently went to a public hearing and had told my wife I am not going to speak. Well I could not help it. I had something to say and I got up and said it loud and clear without stumbling or a crook in my voice. And yesterday I was involved in a heated discussion which would have normally lead to me retreating and being quiet. But on this occasion, I reacted appropriately and made my position known and did not get red in face or overly agitated.

I genuinely like who I am becoming. The absence of shame is the most amazing thing. I am also confident in my own ability to handle any relapse and reboot. No matter how many times it takes. This too important for me and my family. I come to this site often for support and discovering new tools to keep on fighting. I wish you all success and thank you for all that you have done for me. There are a lot of younger fellows and gals on here I wish you the wisdom and the strength to win your own battle and remove this addiction from your life. Your future will be so much brighter without Porn.