A bite into the whole enchilada

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Veteran, May 11, 2016.

  1. Veteran

    Veteran Fapstronaut

    Dear fapstronouts,

    I came across this site just recently. I must say I really enjoy the emergency app, the stories and the acceptance regardless of ones gender, age, sexual orientation, background or beliefs.

    Having said that… I am a 26 year old (originally) homosexual man in a heterosexual marriage with three children, building my life around the belief in a God, who accepts and loves me and whose regulations, though I can’t comprehend them at times, help me acquire the highest possible happiness.

    My goal is to be completely free of PM and leave the O for the moments with my wife.

    I do not wish to offend anyone with my beliefs or reasoning, but I wouldn’t do my story justice if I didn’t include a part of it. I hope I don’t come across as having every answer and I ask for acceptance of my story. I wish to emphasize that, though I didn’t adopt a homosexual lifestyle, it isn’t my wish to suggest that the choices of those who did are immoral.

    To start where the memories are most fresh…

    It has been 23 days since my last PMO, the trigger being disappointment after failing the national test in medicine by one point. Or maybe the trigger was disappointment in myself because given the favourable opportunity of copying at the test I didn’t trust in myself and my knowledge. (I never was confident in my knowledge but at least I didn’t crib previous tests.)

    What followed was another deep trench in my long years of struggle with addiction. I was thinking: If I didn’t believe in God, there would be no reason for me to feel guilty. I could live as I wish, fuck with whom I’d like to fuck, and fulfil my each desire. While I was thinking that my problems lie in my beliefs I came across this site, where agnostics and atheists spoke about freedom, physical, mental and social benefits resulting from the commitment to abstain from PMO and it just clicked in my mind that it isn’t just a belief fabricated problem, that the problem is real regardless of what I believe. Suddenly all the tension left me, the fantasies lost their power and I am finally having some peace after daily struggles.

    I’m not disillusioning myself that there won’t be difficult times. I mean I have experienced scores and scores of recommitments after relapses from times I couldn’t get together an hour and lived through disappointments after stumbling after weeks or months of abstinence from PMO.

    These past two days the motivational pictures, videos and experiences of all of you have benefited me, while I am scared and insecure while I wait for the retake exam.

    I wish to share with you my past experiences and it might become a long thread, while I put together the background, but I will try to be concise, though I don’t know where to start…

    My sexual life took off quite soon. I don’t know the exact age, but I think I was around 4-5 years old. I can’t say I was raped, I rather say, I was used. My father’s cousin is about ten years older than me and I have caught him spending some ‘alone time’. I looked up to him, he was my role model. Wanting to be with him and please him led to one of the first childhood memories I have retained.

    After that I was never really the same, I think. While there was only one boy with whom I regularly played sexual games, there were several others I included at different occasions. At some time at the age of 14 or 15 that became my 10 years younger cousin. That is something I can’t forgive myself.

    In grammar school I was an outcast, labelled as a faggot, one of the main accusers was the one of those boys, who would at some point ‘play’ with me. The accusations were painful in a part because they were true. I was attracted to boys, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I was fighting it with all my mental capabilities. At that time I was watching straight P, trying to get myself heated up for women. Though it didn’t work I was determined to prove them wrong and to live a normal life as I imagined it at that time.

    Anyway… I was alone thinking I will never hold it out until high school, but I did. Not believing in God at that time I prayed that none of my former schoolmates would be in my class (there were mainly two options for Gymnasium) and my wish was granted.

    Though I was set free from constant humiliation (the insults being just a part of it) I was still depressed and suicidal, what no one seemed to notice. Then two things happened. I started believing in God and I admitted to myself being gay. Not being in constant self-denial was liberating. But I was gravely disappointed when a friend I made and could confide in wasn’t really happy about my discovery. Actually he said: “This might hurt you, but I don’t think your orientation is a part of God’s plan for you. He wishes that you have something better than that - a wife and a family.”

    In the end I decided I will give “the God thing” a try and if it didn’t work return to being gay. I don’t wish to open any discussion about this that is why I narrowed it down to a few sentences. I included it because it was the turning point where I recognised that I had a problem.

    I just knew that I had to stop PMO (at this point it was only gay porn) and I did it just like that. Without any effort I was able to quit and it lasted about a year, where I relapsed after finding what I thought was pubic hair from a fine looking schoolmate (I borrowed his books). My next relapse was in 6 months, then 3 months, then 7 weeks. The time I abstained was getting shorter and shorter until I left for med school. At that time it was a miracle if I could get together a whole day. I don’t know at which point I started to watch porn again, but once I started it kept getting worse and worse. From just gay porn I switched to incest and rape, fantasizing being on the receiving end. I would fap and then watch movies for three days in a row so I would not need to feel the shame, remorse and self-condemnation. I thought: How can I call myself a Christian if I am living like this? Naturally my studies didn’t go that well. I almost failed two years in a row and I would have if I didn’t have the support from the woman, who later became my wife. The other part was that I was contemplating suicide again.

    The recognition of addiction was not a sudden revelation but a progressive insight for me. With each step, I learned something new and gradually I could claim the life I wanted. My wife was really supportive. I could talk with her about my orientation about my urges and she would still accept me. She understood even, when I made a move on a friend of ours, while I slept with him together on the couch in our living room (please don’t ask me how that happened).

    There is a lot to tell… about the progressive insights, the growing attraction and affection towards my wife, wrong choices etc. But I have already written too much. Perhaps some other time. Just one more thing. While my wife and children do drive me crazy at times, I don’t regret the path bringing us together. I’m lucky. :) And I wish the same for you.


    The Veteran

    P.S.: I updated my addiction battle plan, because of this site, by uninstalling the parental control (I was relying too much on it), including the success stories from this site into my everyday and of course incorporating the fabulous NoFap app.
  2. Veteran

    Veteran Fapstronaut


    Would anyone be willing to write down their main reason to stop PMO or their main drive and the tool that helps them most when the fight gets into the heavy category.
    I'm having a bad day and that might help me. For now I'm going on a walk with the dog. I hope I will be able to study at all.
  3. Veteran

    Veteran Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the list, really love some of the reasons. With that, a walk, a video and some singing I feel much better. I think I will print out the list sometime.
    Unfortunately I can't rely on blocking sites. I would always find a way around the program and searching for a way to do that became stimulating for me. Even complete blockage of the internet access didn't help. If I can't have inner control I will put the electronics away.

    UNEVEN Fapstronaut

    We're doing it.
    Veteran likes this.
  5. Reuby

    Reuby Distinguished Fapstronaut

    @Veteran your story is amazing - thanks for sharing!
    I'll be following your journal.
    God is with you :)
    UNEVEN likes this.
  6. Veteran

    Veteran Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the encouragement.
    UNEVEN likes this.
  7. baltic

    baltic Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing this.

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