A candid observation on how I ended up watching sissy b.s.

I was going to post this on my journal, but thought given how others have struggled with this, maybe my recent personal insight might help. It took me a couple long-term NoFap streaks to figure this out, even if in hindsight it now seems kind of obvious.

WARNING: This is kind of long and has possible triggers so just jump to the last paragraph if you want the upshot. (I couldn't figure out which parts to spoiler tag so I just tagged most of it.)

Spoiler: spoiler

So here's the deal. When I hit early adolescence (13-ish?) I quickly became quite sexually pre-occupied. Maybe I just had high hormones, I don't know. But I remember getting ahold of a few girlie magazines (that's how it was done back then), and getting an mind-bending rush leading to a very quick discovery of PMO. I had all these desires awakening as I became sexually aware of the opposite sex, but absolutely no way at that age to really do anything about it other than fantasize.

Ok, so here's the part that's hard to say out loud. During this time, I had a brief phase where I got into my sister's underwear drawer, and experimented with trying some of her things on. I was never caught, and it didn't last long, but it kind of baffled me later why it happened at all. See as soon as I started socializing with girls at my school (say around age 15 or so) I was done with that other phase and enjoyed a rather normal, healthy series of girlfriends through my teens and well into my adult life. In other words I had no desire or interest in "crossdressing" or being "trans", nor did I have any attraction to my own gender. I loved women and didn't have any particular trouble getting them either, so all was more or less good (not that I didn't have various fuck-ups along the way like most guys.)

Anyway, so flash forward to my late 30's, when my life came crashing down due contracting a chronic illness which I suffer from to this day. At this point due to my symptoms I ended up pretty much becoming a semi-homebound recluse, very socially isolated. I stopped dating, I stopped pretty much even talking to women, I just dropped out of society as I put all my focus on trying to find some kind of medical recovery.

During this time, my porn use skyrocketed. Even though I'd watched porn on and off over the years, even when I'd had girlfriends, it had always been pretty "vanilla" stuff. But now, it started escalating into more and more deviant kinds of fetishes. After awhile I needed more graphic content to give me any kind of arousal (this is pretty classic escalation right here.)

However, where I ultimately ended up was straying into transgendered person/sissy stuff. Up until then, I had never been remotely interested in anything like that. But I found myself drawn into this "feminization" idea for some reason and the more I watched it the more it started taking hold.

Luckily I pulled myself out of it before I got too deep, e.g. to the point of acting out in real life or having an identity crisis or developing HOCD or whatnot. However, it did set off alot of anxiety and depression and self-disgust that somehow I had fallen into this warped fetish that repulsed me. And it did to some extent make me question myself.

Of course it uses very potent kinds of mental manipulation to get you hooked but I felt awful that somehow I had opened the door to it myself and thus maybe there was something fundamentally wrong with me (leading to more anxiety, depression which in turn led to more PMO abuse as a further escape).

So basically when you look at my sexual history, you have these three parts:

1 - A short phase in my youth where I experimented with my sister's clothing,

2 - then a very long stretch of normal heterosexual relationships with various girlfriends,

3 - then this later period where I ended up pulled into the sissy/feminization fetish.

So, the big question is, why?

So here's the answer I figured out. Take one highly sexual guy, and prevent him from being able to be with females due to his young age and where he grew up - what does he do, he finds a way to be "close" to the female energy he desires by reaching out towards women's clothing. Then later, allow this high-libido guy access to real-life relationships with females and all is good and it goes on fine like that for a couple decades. Then, give this same guy an illness which, again, just like in early adolescence prevents him from proximity to females and he finds another way to be "close" to them, by, in a sense "becoming" them in his hypnotically-suggestive imagination.

So there ya go, at the core of it I had two separate reactions (one early on, one much later) to being prevented from physical/emotional intimacy with females, which bookended a normal period where I had plenty of access. So a guy with a high sex drive who is blocked from the female companionship he desires can sometimes find alternative ways to be "close" to them (albeit in potentially unhealthy and self-confusing ways). So, if you find yourself where I did, maybe this is a fairly simple explanation for a big piece of the puzzle. And, if so, perhaps you can unburden yourself with the self-questioning that this kind of porn can lead to, and instead chock it up to the way the human brain sometimes tries to find short-term solutions to things (not always wisely).