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A Confused Person who seek feedback from Everybody

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by theoptimist, Dec 10, 2017.

  1. theoptimist

    theoptimist Fapstronaut

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    Hello Everybody,

    I am 30 years old, virgin, i come from a conservative culture from the middle east and currently i live in Berlin, Germany. I started watching porn from the age of 16. In my religion it's a sin so every single time i masturbated or watched porn i felt very guilty. At first i used to do it once a month then once every 3 weeks then 2-3 times a week.

    Due the the Economic/ Political instabilities i had to move to live in Germany. The last 4 years of my life were very very tough. I had to work hard, study for Masters degree, learn the German language and working part time jobs. After all the hard work, i found a job and i started to look a partner.

    Always my goal was to stop watching porn for religious and ethical reasons. The last 4 months was able to stop it between 2 or 3 weeks then i slip. Then i reset and starts again.

    During that process, I fall in love with a German girl who i believed that we were for each other (we had the same religion, she speaks my language and i speak her language, etc.) I reached my greatest strike which was 3 weeks Sober because i was really in love with her and when i am in love i really don't think about porn.

    One time she confessed to me that she is not a virgin and she is bisexual, immediately i confessed to her that i am a virgin, porn addict and i attend the 12 steps program to recover. She told me "I will ask for a divorce if the person whom i am going to marry has erectile dysfunction" i answered immediately and honestly "I said of course that's your right". In another date, I also told her that i am one week without porn and she asked how many times i do it on average. I said on average once a week. She told me then you are not an addict. I replied that i think i am, because according to Professor Weiss It's not the quantity, it's the quality.

    We met 2 times after she travelled for a vacation then suddenly she broke up with me... My heart were very broken. Honestly i don't know if watching porn is the problem or not, she didn't mention why (She said the regular things - it's not you, it's me) but inside of me i felt the shame. I never contacted her after the break up but I still love her and i really wish to call her and to check on her but at the same time i know that i have to respect her decision.

    I know that a lot of women feel very disgusted from men who watches porn and they feel disrespected in a way or another. But i never meant to harm anyone and i totally was honest with her because i wanted to be a good husband. I start to have panic attacks that "What if my sexual performance wasn't good enough and what if this .... and what if that...." I even went to do a blood hormone analysis to check my testosterone level. The doctor told me that the result is okay and everything is fine with me. For the first time in my entire life i started experiencing deep Anxiety. Every time i remember these issues i relapse.

    I would love to know your feedback especially from a women's prospective. Should i contact her after 3 months of break up? Do you think i am a very bad person?

    P.S: please forgive me, if my grammer is not that good
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2017
  2. Uh, what the hell? No, that is absolutely NOT right! You don't divorce someone for having erectile dysfunction. That's insane. I say you're better off without her if that's the case. Sounds like she couldn't handle the fact that you're a human being who isn't perfect. Good riddance. Find someone who is more understanding and compassionate.
     
  3. And no, don't contact her. I highly doubt that would go well for you.
     
  4. Zoro007

    Zoro007 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man..

    I was in a very similar situation. I confessed my PMO habits, and my gf broke up with me a few months later. It was very tough to me. But I got up and confront my enemy. She wants to get back but I’m not because I will find a girl who is willing to share my weakness and success. I hope my situation help you.
     
    SanityOverVanity and theoptimist like this.
  5. theoptimist

    theoptimist Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your advice, what i meant was: Everybody has right to ask for divorce - at the end it is something personal.

    I know that what your wrote is 100% right, she is not the right person for me. But somehow i had a strong feelings to her, may be because my life is empty, may be because i suffer from homesickness or may be because it's really hard to find someone. I really wish to forget her quickly
     
  6. theoptimist

    theoptimist Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, yes for sure your situation gave me hope. Sometimes i also feel worried what if she told our common friends about my PMO thing?
    It's good that your Ex wanted to get back, at least you have a choice now!! :)
     
    Zoro007 likes this.
  7. truthseeker17

    truthseeker17 Fapstronaut

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    Take it easy bro, no matter what religion you are sins can be forgiven. As long as you strive to correct them. Which you are doing by being here.

    Love is beneficial if it's mutual. Love can't be forced, only won. Love has it weird way why someone likes a certain person more then another. I am sure you will meet someone who is more deserving of you and better then whatever you had. Keep connecting to people, be positive but also don't forget to stand up for yourself.

    I know this is going to sound weird but don't let yourself fall in love with someone who isn't worth you. Instead focus on your study and job. Worry about yourself. Invest in yourself, the way you think, the way you talk, they way you look, the way you behave. Be the best version of yourself. Get inspired by whatever you believe, be it religion, family or whatever. Keep progressing and only look back to learn from your mistake. One day you will look back and laugh at it. You will fall many times, sometimes it will be hard but at the end it will be all worth it!

    Good luck and never lose hope.
     
    theoptimist likes this.
  8. theoptimist

    theoptimist Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a million, your positive quotes made my day. I really appreciate it.
     
    truthseeker17 likes this.
  9. truthseeker17

    truthseeker17 Fapstronaut

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    Glad to hear that buddy :)
     
  10. You should probably move on man. Dating can be pretty damn terrifying because it's hard to trust people, hell, it's hard to even trust your feelings. You might think you love her, but you probably don't. Just try to move on and you'll find the right one. Just be careful. A lot of girls out there will completely destroy you if you let them. Good luck my friend.
     
    theoptimist likes this.
  11. EyesToSeeEarsToHear

    EyesToSeeEarsToHear Fapstronaut

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    CassTeaElle is actually right about this. But it'll be HARD to find a good girl without kids at our age. Im 28 and you're 30 we're close in age.

    It's hard for me to find that and I've had 5 gfs. 4 of them had no kids but none of them shared my beliefs. One was a single mom and she was the best gf I ever had. My current gf has a past history of MANY one night stands and WAY TOO MUCH casual sex. She's TRYING to change for me.

    CassTeaElle's right but it's HARD to find a good girl with no kids at 30years old. You may want to settle for a good single mom and there's nothing ethically wrong with that brother.
     
  12. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    If a man has porn induced ED and won’t stop absolutely she should divorce him. What world do you live in? Just because you are honest means nothing if you don’t intend to stop. Women want normal sex lives too.
     
  13. He didn't say that he has porn induced ED and that he doesn't intend to stop... in fact, given that he's here, he obviously IS trying to heal. So to divorce someone for that reason is completely absurd. If you disagree, fine, but I'm never going to say that's an acceptable reason to divorce someone.
     
  14. Yep, they do, but that's not all relationships are about, especially once you're already married and he's actively trying to fix the problem. There are also plenty of other options, like pills and other forms of sex.

    My dad went through a major surgery and has partial paralysis in his legs and feet and can't get an erection by normal means. Should my mom be justified to just divorce him because of that? Absolutely not. Thats what I would call absurd.
     
  15. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    This is a common belief held by PMO addicts that allows them to continue in the addiction. I a female I was with an addict and I ended things. I’m just telling you like it is. There is so much on here oh she’s a bad person if she leaves, no. First the original poster was in a brand new relationship. That’s entirely different than being married to someone. If a woman has a choice to be in a relationship with a man who can’t perform in bed because he is masturbating to women on a screen, very few are going to pick the relationship. I don’t say this to hurt anyone, I say this to encourage you and others to get yourself clean so when the right lady comes along you will be ready to be with her. Men who have ED issues due to things beyond their control, such as prostate surgery, etc are TOTALLY different then men who are causing their own dysfunction. And many men with PIED have Delayed ejaculation which there are no meds to fix. And truthfully although sex is certainly not the only factor in a relationship it is a very important factor for both men and women. The expectations of sex are certainly different by age. If I’m a 65 year old female dating a man who is the same age I expect him to have some health related ED, but if I’m 30 dating a 35 year old I don’t. Second, most marriages with PIED also include a lot of lying. Being in any type of relationship with a PMO addict is a nightmare. No one wants that. And again totally different than a health related issue outside a man’s control. PMO ED has the added bonus of being with a man who can get it up quite easily for women on a screen but not you, yet refuses to stop and lies. Should she not at least try to support him getting help, sure if that’s what she wants and he is truly willing to try. But she also has a right to her boundaries and if she’s not happy and he’s not changing then it’s perfectly okay to go. I think the reason you say this is you don’t realize how hard this is for the SO. Flip the scenario, let’s say you just started dating a girl and she is frigid, meaning she cannot have intercourse. Next imagine that the reason she is frigid is because she PMOs but she won’t stop. How would you feel would you chose to date her in the long term? What if no matter what you did you could not stimulate her? But if she looked at P at men a lot better looking with larger members and better bodies, she was good. She wants to put that on when you have sex so she can see that rather than you? Imagine she lies, she hides it, does this sound desireable to you? Is it different than a woman who was paralyzed in an accident and cannot have sex? Is it different if this happened after marriage or before?
     
    theoptimist likes this.
  16. I'm a female who has been with an addict as well.

    You're projecting and putting words in my mouth that I never said. Read the actual words that were said and what I replied to. You're making assumptions, like that the guy isn't trying to change or doesn't care about the ED issues he has. None of that was said at all.

    Yes it is... But he was talking about DIVORCE, which requires marriage. Did I ever say that a girl can't break up with a guy because of ED while they're dating? Did I ever say that would a girl a bad person to do so? Nope, I did not. Again, you're arguing over things I never even said.

    I'm not a man.

    I don't condemn people for addiction or mistakes they've made in their past and are trying to fix. Again, you're assuming in this scenario, that they guy isn't actively trying to change, which is obviously not true, considering he's on this site.

    Yes it is. I never said it wasn't.

    Another assumption... what on earth are you even talking about at this point? All I said is that to divorce someone JUST because they have ED, is not okay. You're adding all these qualifiers to that, like "but what if he's also a liar and doesn't even care that he has ED and isn't trying to fix it?" Thats a completely different scenario.

    More baseless assumptions...

    Agreed... But that wasn't the situation that was described. At all.

    I am an SO :rolleyes:

    Another assumption... same assumption you've made this entire time, that has never been stated.

    Are you freaking kidding me right now? Did you just pull that scenario directly out of your butt? Because I certainly haven't heard anything of the sort mentioned in this situation. Stop projecting.

    Assumptions, assumptions, more assumptions... this conversation is ridiculous. I stand by what I said, and nothing you've said has changed my thinking at all, because it has absolutely nothing to do with this situation.
     
  17. In reading the original post again, I'm sad that this argument has occurred here and I don't want to continue this discussion. It's not relevant here and is distracting from the OP.

    I apologize if anything I said was unintentionally damaging. I think there also might have been some miscommunication, due to speaking a different language, when using the word "divorce." Divorce is something that occurs after marriage, and I don't think ED is a good enough reason to divorce someone. It is a somewhat valid reason to break up with a boyfriend, though, but even that I would say is not very nice unless there are other problems in the relationship as well. OP, from my perspective, seems like a good guy who is trying to better himself, so to break up with someone solely for their struggle in addiction seems like not real love to me.

    But anyway, I wish you all the best, @theoptimist! Stay optimistic. ;)
     
    theoptimist likes this.
  18. theoptimist

    theoptimist Fapstronaut

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    Yes, you are absolutely right but the thing is i don't have porn induced ED and i really want to stop it forever. She never mentioned the reason for breaking up.
     
    GG2002 and Deleted Account like this.
  19. theoptimist

    theoptimist Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your message, I totally don't blame any women for any reason because i know that i can't judge anyone but myself. I have a drug addict brother, Also i want to mention that we never tried to have sex due to our religion and after 2 or 3 days from that conversation, we meet i told her that i am one week without PMO and she asked on average how many time do you do it and i said the truth which is my average is 1 week without PMO, then she told me then you are not an addict. I told her No it's not about the quantity, it's about the quality and my objective is stop PMO forever.

    Regarding if i am dating a girl and she is frigid, I will keep dating her and i will do my best to support her even if i don't want to be her life partner, i will always offer my help. and i will give her couple chances if she insisted on that road then i will apologize and leave politely, if she wanted to change and i saw that in her actions then i will keep being beside her, I was born with very tough life conditions my father had lung cancer stage 2B and my brother was a drug addict and i never chose this, i had to work from a young age and i had to take care my family.
     
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  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Sure. I think you will do great you have a lot of insight into things already. You accept responsibility and you are honest. Honesty goes so far in life! I just wanted you to see the problems porn can cause in relationships such as ED, pain etc so that you would be more motivated to stop. Get yourself clean and then get back out there. While most women would hesitate to take a pmo addict in active addiction, once you leave that in your past I think you will find that as long as you are honest there will be many women who will love you just for you flaws and all. We all deserve that and none of us are perfect.

    I also agree that the amount of times you use does not control if you are an addict. It’s why you do it, if you can stop and if it effects your life negatively. But that’s a common misconception. My ex even had a doctor tell him that he could not be addicted if he did not pmo for 8 hours a day. Not accurate.

    I’m sorry about your Dad. I lost my Dad to lung cancer too in 2011. He was stage 3 by the time they caught it and lived only a few months.

    Life is too short. So while you are working on recovery I would say make some female friends and just be in the presence of women . Live your life get healthy and you will find her.

    I was in Frankfurt this summer for the first time. All this American can say is why don’t you all have air conditioning?! Lol
     
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