A day in the life of Jennica

I feel I need to vent a little, this isn’t with my hubby but work related. I also work with one of my oldest closest friends of 20 years. I’m beginning to think he may feel a little threatened by me work wise. I’m getting increasingly more frustrated with the being ignored, shut out and feeling dismissed with suggestions and or improvements. I have knowledge and experience but I can’t bring something to light to correct or help make things flow better without some comment, flat ignoring me or a NO without any real reason or thought into it, just feels like resistance.
I am admittedly a bit more sensitive to this type of behaviors because of how my hubby would dismiss me in the past and proving that a little female can keep up with boys type of situations, also considering he is a very good friend for so many years it’s a little hard to digest coming from him.

I can’t even get a chance to speak with him so it’s starting to pile up on me. I don’t like to push talking about these sort of work related things with my hubby because he has a hard time hearing it so I’m venting here also.
I’m also supposed to be learning some of the other aspects of the job but somehow I’m the only one who seems to be side stepped out of the four of us and yes I’m the only female on the team but I truly hope that’s not the reason.

I almost lost it today as trying to come up with a workable solution to a problem at work, the solutions I suggested were completely shot down (quite dramatically really). I come back from lunch to have him telling me that “this person” came up with this solution so that’s what we are doing, as it happened that was the very first solution I had suggested in the first place and that left me wanted to scream. This really put me quite on edge the rest of the day and to top it off my eye has been driving me nuts all last night and today so that didn’t help my irritation.
All in all I like what I’m doing, the team and the company and excited for the opportunity to learn few new skills.

* in case anyone is wondering I had an eye injury shortly before Thanksgiving and I will always have some discomfort issues with it from time to time for the rest of my life. It will never heal right so I have to be very careful with it.

Anyway if anyone is listening thanks. Time for a hot beverage and do some work in our warm bed. Things are still going well for our relationship so I don’t have any complaints on that end. I’m proud of him for continuing the good fight and seeing his dedication to bettering himself.

 

We had another great retrospective this morning. The communication is flowing and has us moving forward.
Again @AnonymousAnnaXOXO had started another great thread that got us thinking, reflecting and talking about his porn use and subsequent behaviors. This time it was about co dependent PA’s.
I had asked him how he feels/remembers about it with him.
Hubby had a another self realization about himself and his behaviors. He became dependent on me to handle everything so he “could be free to PMO”.
He remembers the amount of lies he told me that he was working so I would handle everything and he could do his thing. He even equated it to slavery and after our discussion I can say thinking back it felt that way. I remember telling him I felt used to take care of his family for quite a while. He realized how he put me in the position to take on all the responsibilities and it was drowning me for a quite while.
I felt tearful (in a good way) that he truly became aware of it and acknowledged it to me. It’s was an incredibly hard time, dealing with our relationship, his family and my things with my daughter and granddaughter became so overwhelming I felt like I was going to have a stroke. I didn’t sleep for days, couldn’t eat, couldn’t leave the house (live in care giving) and no privacy. I had no choice but to deal with it and couldn’t take anytime for me. I couldn’t talk to anyone about any of it so I was expected to handle, I was always asked do this do that but no one had the time or thought when I asked.
I had one little cramped crafting room to escape to that started to become dark and dreadful but it was all I had.
I’m amazed at what I took on and I did it without actually having a stroke.

It feels good to read other people’s questions and thoughts, it helps with personal reflections on our relationship and helps to deal with forgotten or repressed feelings and memories that maybe lingering in us.
I feel that he’s having an awakening and I’m finally feeling like I put things to rest.

 

It’s ok, thank you. I’m the same way most of the time.

 

I wanted to check in, work is in hyperdrive for the next few weeks, up to 9-11 hour work days. Hubby’s birthday on Saturday so all the cleaning and prep is that day only. We have tried to keep consistent on NoFap and we have only been able to do our retro’s on Saturday mornings. Not much time to think about recovery.
He maybe traveling for work and it will be first time for that in a while, but we will need to work through it. The next time it maybe me traveling for work.
I need to make doctors appointment and a dentist appointment but no time for that either. Thankfully this will be short lived craziness but we are able to put some extra money in savings for the house so it feels worth it.
Sleep, sleep will be great in a few weeks.

 

I feel like it has been forever since my last JP. Work is is in a crazy upswing and literally no real time for anything other than work. I’m also dealing with potential anemia kicking in so my fatigue is at what feels like a critical high and killing me this week.

With work being what it is our recovery is slipping for both of us (we both are to tired and over worked for the emotional labor of it at the moment) and I fear we will both could and are slipping back into old habits. Our last two retrospectives have been what feels “week” to me on both our ends, I’m definitely feeling the lack or inability to keep mindful thought process with everything.

I’m seeing the beginning of not talking to each other in the moment or as things happen and that saddens me some however it also gives me glimpse into how much I feel I need the communication between us, so I find myself struggling with the frustration of it. I do start to feel uneasy when communication doesn’t happen even though I know it’s also on me, I’m guilty of that right now too. I’m Just feel to tired to talk about it even though I know it’s important.
We haven’t been able to keep up on laundry let alone reading our books so that sucks but I also know even if we did I would be able to retain much or have mind to work through the exercises appropriately.
I do feel things are good between us but I don’t want to loose sight of the progress and focus, I don’t want to lose the momentum on honest communication, vulnerability and recovery.

The work is temporary (for me) but continuing longer than anticipated and we need the money for the home repairs.
What to do when everything feels it is of equal priority?!?!

 

I didn’t feel your response was anything less than supportive. Yes breathing is always good, I do my best to stop and take a few deep breathes now and again. I think for me having the conversations regularly help in the way of taking the edge of of the fear that it’s just a honeymoon phase or something similar to the cycles we had in past, also that he is still being open and honest with me and I for him. So I guess its really about the consistency of it.
Yet I have to remind myself I have to continue to do the same. Even though I know this is more about just being overworked for us both and not about secrecy or avoidance, like I said I’m equally as guilty in it and I recognize that. I still have an underlying fear that we both could get back into the habit of losing communication. It may fall into codependent area but I think it’s a healthy one.
I guess I’m complaining more about the situational aspect.

 

As of yesterday and my post. Our power went for about 10 hours. We were able to get a few things done outside. When the sun went down and house became quite and dark we lit a fire in the bedroom and began reading and doing some of the exercises in the book, going through a few chapters. It took an act of god dropping a huge tree in power lines but we took advantage of it. Still behind on our laundry and inside housework but we took care of us.

 

Funny how things work huh?!?!

 

It came on about 11:30 last night, out for around 10 hrs.

 

It’s freezing and it was snowing for a bit yesterday. We have a fireplace in our bedroom so the hubby and I snuggled in there with the fur kids all evening. The cat and dog were glued to me.
It did turn into good evening for us and was nice not to have distractions.

 

It’s 1:00 am, fell asleep and woke up having use the bathroom and found my mind wondering about our recovery. I’m having a hard time going back to sleep (even though I’m dead tired and still horrendously fatigued) at this point so I figured I write here. I hope it makes sense with as tired as I am.

I’m finding myself getting more and frustrated with the lack of continued/consistency with recovery on our part. Work is officially getting the 90% of attention. I’m guilty of it too, tired and stress but I am still making time to read and trying to have conversations about us.
We have so much quantity time together but less and less quality time.
At the moment I’m starting to feel like what’s the point of having our retro in the morning. What’s the point of reading in the books and making time for the few minutes of doing the harder work from books?
I don’t want to be the only one doing the harder work alone, again. I want him to want to make a point of doing it.

I don’t know if I have been telling myself it’s all work and maybe there is a bit avoidance going on too.

We do not have real conversations anymore about us. Our retros have been week. I’m starting to feel a frustration that I thought I wasn’t going to have to feel anymore. I’m struggling to figure out if it’s just me or is it real.

I personally feel we need to make the time no matter what and it’s slipping away.
One thing that gets me over anything at the moment is “I don’t have time” but I see time spent on reading news sites and phone games. However I know we both need downtime for mental health.

I’m frustrated with myself too not just him. I’m still feeling this horrible overwhelming fatigue that is getting in the way everything and I’m definitely feeling “hormonal”. I’m feeling over stressed and even a little depressed because of it.
I’m frustrated that I’m trying to be to patient and not wanting to push our recovery or quality time together. But I have stated how important it is to me that we don’t let it slip. I’m worried I’m just making excuses again about it. I can’t help but think that It shouldn’t be that difficult to make time for us.

I’m frustrated that the only conversations we seem to have lately are all work related, it’s dominating and superficial in my mind at this point.

I have stated multiple times that I feel we need to make time for quality time, to have real communication between us. The “we” is getting glazed over and I’m not feeling good about it.

On my selfish side I feel I have waited years for a real connection between us and I feel it slipping away under “work priorities”. I don’t know how much is just me or if it’s truly valid but it’s getting to me so much that I’m having hard time sleeping tonight. I’m letting myself get upset over the fact that all this extra stuff has now come up and is so important to do on the two day weekend we finally have and there is no time left for us.

I think I’m more upset about that he’s thinking about taking on some extra work for someone else to help out but to tired and stressed for the work we need to maintain in our relationship. I don’t see how it’s possible with the already work situation, I wanted to talk about it with some other things tonight but he had more work to do tonight and not in a mind frame (with work stress) and now a full day of other stuff tomorrow and more family stuff Sunday.

Now I feel shitty that I’m feeling selfish, tired, bitchy and half asleep venting that may have painted a negative picture of my hubby and that’s not what I want or trying to do. I’m frustrated that “we” have taken a back burner by situational priorities we have both created.

 

That would be wonderful and great advice, thank you for the reply. I keep trying to remind myself this is just a temporary situation. We did have a good retro this morning even though I’m dead tired. I was able to talk about my feelings about it all and he understood. We were able to get back to our stop, start and keep. I know it’s not all him, I have my own responsibility in this situation too. I do feel no matter what we need some quality time.
Today we are going to find somewhere to get haircuts as we have definitely neglected that for a while.