A day in the life of Jennica

An interesting side note I have noticed here on NF.
I have noticed that the folks who are doing NoFap for what I could call selfish superficial reasons like being scared of PIED or hair loss, use incredibly immature terminology. Referring to women dressing like sluts, wanting to spend time with a woman to F*#k and continue to use graphic slang and such, porn speak.
While the majority of men that are doing NF to truly better themselves as a whole with also for someone they love and family have far better vocabulary and articulation,
I have noticed this evolution with my hubby as well. I’m wondering if this is increased self respect along with getting away from the influence of constant “ porn speak/lingo”?

 

I think there maybe exceptions to my perceived rule. Just something I think I may have noticed over time, also when I think about some friends I know too.
Just to state my hubby wasn’t that bad with “lingo” (he had moments though) but I have noticed he’s much better with that type of vocabulary, it’s non existent with him at this point.

 

I think that could be a big part of it. I still wonder if the vocabulary can also be attributed to porn too, also the sites with comments and such. The more your around something more you can take on traits.
I think back to when we had a trip to Scotland at the end of it I started to sound like I had a bad Scottish brogue, let alone picking up certain words.

I do have a hard time reading certain threads when I come accross them where that vocabulary is prominent. Sometimes I feel like I have to hold back a comment in reference to it when I’m feeling extra edgy and just let it go and not be judgmental with it.

 

Checking in,
Still tired from all the work stresses and we are all feeling it at work including my hubby.

Hubby and I had not so great day the other day. We (my small work team) are overwhelmed and learning new software stuff. Other than the one new hire this week non of us have any knowledge or background in back end computer software.
Any rate we are doing the best we can. At lunch I mentioned I was starting to get the hang of the basics and feeling a bit more confident with it. I had asked how he (my hubby) thought I was doing?
It didn’t go well, I was having a hard time holding it together at the restaurant and really the rest of the day. This experience was something I hoped I would not have feel again.
I did my best to stuff what I was feeling at the office even though I wanted to just go hide in a hole. I wanted to walk away, I wanted to give it up, I felt completely defeated. I was reluctant to speak with him for the rest of the day, about anything. This was one of those moments that I was worried about with us working together again.
I was having a hard time not breaking down in the car on the way home and couldn’t hold it in anymore when we got home. This forced me/us to have a real conversation with a genuine apology. After about an hour I know I started to feel better.
Having real communication goes a long way and I know he feels remorse about it, but I can’t help to feel some apprehension or a bit of anxiety now at work. I can see he’s mindful yesterday and I appreciate it.

If I know I need to ask him question and no one else is able or there is no one else to ask I have a moment “fuck, I have to disrupt him”, I have a long moment of internal dialogue on should I, do I really need to or is this seen as important enough? It starts to flood me a bit. I feel this isn’t healthy, its not healthy critical thinking it kinda creates a negative second guessing so I end up mentally freezing up and make mistakes.

I’m not sure how to get around or pass this with myself.

 

We had good retro this morning, we were able to talk more about the lunch episode a few days ago. I always find it hard to talk deeper about this stuff. I don’t want him feel/think I’m dwelling, hammering him or beating a dead horse on something when I’m processing it and or reflecting. Figuring out what and why I’m feeling a certain way.

So here is the details if it, this may get a little long. last Tuesday we had lunch, I had started to feel a bit more confident on learning the basics of some software testing.

* I have 0, literally no background, understanding or experience with the stuff.

I feel it’s way over my head and I get a bit anxious insecure about. I can however tackle and have no problem learning anything with working with my hands.
One short training day a few weeks prior and that Monday before was my total experience. Tuesday morning I felt confident in learning the basics but not understanding how it all worked, what all to look for and what it all means.

I asked him how he thought I was doing?
In hopes of constructive feedback.

Him; “You suck”
me; no really how am I doing?
Him; you really suck.
Me; Are you just messing with me?
Him; no, I really think you suck!

At this point I’m in a little bit shock, give the benefit of doubt so I ask him “what can I do better?”

Him; I don’t know, I haven’t seen you work.

Me; wow

But the apology was “I’m sorry, I should have phrased it better”

Me; that doesn’t feel like an apology it feels like back peddling.

Him; I didn’t just mean you I meant the whole team.

Me; That statement was directed at me, not the team. “You suck not the team sucks”

A little back and forth that I don’t remember but I’m trying to Finnish eating lunch and hold it together in the restaurant. I’m shut down and I can barely hold in the tears.

We leave and my hurt turns into defensive anger as we walk back to the office. As we went into the office all I could say was “I’ll do my best to leave you alone and not disrupt you”, he said thank you, I love you and gave me kiss and that somehow left me feeling worse and more hurt.
I was in a complete funk the rest of day.

We had a better talk that night after I was feeling like breaking down when we got home. As I said in a previous post the talk was good with what felt like a real apology and understanding. He stepped up made a point of documenting a lot stuff to help out me and our team to fix the problem.

The rest of the week I still felt some residual feelings of not feeling comfortable having to “disrupt” him for anything and a lot of the second guessing myself. I found myself waiting for the “if you can’t hack it” type comments. I have felt similar to walking on egg shells and feeling it’s just safer for our relationship if I just avoid doing that stuff and going back to only building in separate room putting my head down headphones on all day just ignoring everything.

Friday we had our team Retrospective, he was honest about his “dirt” moment with me on Tuesday about the “you suck”.
I appreciated the taking responsibility and ownership of it, I wasn’t angry that he had I wdidnt feel any apology was needed for it. What struck me was how I felt caught of guard With it. All eyes were on me in that moment and I wasn’t ready for it.
I felt uncomfortable and awkward and hearing him say out loud to the team that he thought that I “sucked” so bad kinda stung again. His point (and I respect) that it was admitting that his expectations for us were unrealistic without us having the proper tools and documentation to implement it. I know what he was doing by talking about it but he’ll I felt a little to exposed, that on me not him.

I had been thinking about all this and trying to figure out why this has been effecting me as much as has been. I have been pushing through it but I feel like an idiot, this has been effecting my performance and my ability and desire to learn it.

*I think it was trigger from his past treatment of me, resentment and contempt.

*My social anxiety I have about being the center of attention in a group setting (I have problems with public speaking, even a small group with people I know).

*for me I felt like the lunch thing was a personal relationship issue that manifested in a work situation, where he thought of it as purely work thing. (Going back to a possible emotional trigger).

*I felt it was criticism and not constructive. He felt he was being honest and didn’t realize I would take it personally but sees how I could, he believes he had not shown consideration for me so that’s a bonus in communication.

* I felt like emotional security took a step backwards for me with this. Questioning working together is good for us.

Anyway, I want to understand how it’s effecting me so I don’t continue to have these feelings of avoidance and basically that I suck at this. I don’t even know if I’m making a bigger internal issue out this. I have felt stuck all week and I’m sure feeling tired, over worked and defeated (purely work related), shit not working and everything being behind does not help either.

Because of this I have been doing some reading this morning and on a side note I ran accross this article that made me think of the emotional labor link that AnonymousAnnaXOXO shared in her thread for someone else. I thought it was good for mindfulness that I think falls into the emotional labor aspect. I do like reading articles in the good men project.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/4-simple-steps-thoughtful-husband-bmartin/

 

I understand the difficult balance between creative (possible going left) and not squashing. But thank you for that bit of validation, I think I needed it!
This whole thing is a good reminder that we still have a lot to work on on both our sides even though we have come so incredibly far together.

 

Checking in.

Things have been much better at work and on the home front. Still working a lot but between my hubby and I I believe we are syncing again to some degree.
I’m proud of him for joining @TryingHard2Change group. We are talking more deeply hear and there again.
We are doing an appreciation exercise every day.
I have been able to do a little more here on NoFap even though I feel my brain isn’t quite functional lately.

I feel we are going strong.

 

I have been asked to sit for a few days, until my hubby is in a frame of mind to have an honest discussion with me about something. Somethings that are from his darkest part of PA. Something I already know, but I know a lot, I know somethings he hasn’t been able to answer. I’m trying my best to hold on to myself, fear is settling in and I really don’t know what to expect.
How do I give him the time he needs to sort it while I sit here waiting trying to not let my mind and imagination wonder for days?
A part of me feels this isn’t quite a balanced request. I wanted to sleep last night, I needed to sleep last night, I again didn’t get sleep. I want to cry at the moment at the the feeling that it’s put on me to wait again.

 

We were able to have a conversation this morning, I just couldn’t hold back what I was feeling. He’s given me and set an appropriate expectation (that helps a lot). I can now at least prepare myself to handle some further disclosure and have an idea. I’m ok with waiting a little bit longer.
My issue was what he was saying didn’t match up with him. I could see see through some of the buffering the potential blow. That doesn’t help the trust and puts me in a really bad head space.
At least now I’m not going to be side blinded or worse sitting in a state of limbo, fear and uncertainty.
I’m not feeling my best but better.
Thank you for your response, it helps.

 

Update, I let worst fears get the better of me. We have had our conversation tonight.
I think this is the first I have seen him at this level of openness and vulnerability with me. I believe we have made it to such a safe place for each other.
We are more than good, I’m proud of him for doing what he’s doing and I couldn’t thank @TryingHard2Change enough for doing what he’s doing in the men’s group.

 

Really good retro this morning, hubby had some really good realizations from this experience this week.

1, he’s realized how much I have processed and come to term with already about his darkest time.
He shared only his answers to all questions in the men’s group with me, honoring our honesty and transparency. These are things we have and continue work through on both our ends. He was worried he may have not told me everything even though he believed he had. *He had btw
He was able to talk with me about how feels about himself reflecting on that time and the things he thought and done with the people closest to me.

2, that withholding hard conversations until a more “convenient” time (days) rather than when things truly bother us creates more trouble and we loose the information and feelings around them in the long term.

3, I have found my self in healthier place of not turning the feelings and fear into defensive anger but allowing my self to feel and voice my true feelings, being truly vulnerable.

4, We are learning more about each other’s core by not minimizing, softening the blows, sugar coating, or withholding our true feelings and fears and recognizing how those behaviors effect the other.

 

It’s been a few days for me and we are still busy with work and now that it’s early spring all our house projects are starting to pile up.

Working in the yard on a nice day has been fun and leaving us with mutual feeling of accomplishment. My hubby has been working in our veggie garden and I have been working with the potted ornamental flowers on the deck.
We are creating what we can for summer time outdoor living.

Yesterday felt good communicating in the forum about Friendship in the relationship. This is a strong personal area for us. Answering questions to a few people felt really good even though I feel it might have high jacked the thread a bit. This helped me thinking and I had some realizations my self.
@Gooding if you would like to continue the conversation here I’m good with it. I know you wanted to add more.

Communication with the hubby is still continuing to get better. Monday night I was able to talk a wee bit about my lingering self esteem issues and I think my journal is good place to start that.
I think there are a few contributors that is making this part of my recovery more difficult.

I have gained about 10lbs over the course of a few months.
Good, because I’m in a better head space so I am eating better or rather actually eating.

Bad, because when I look in the mirror I can hear the negative comments my hubby has said periodically to me over the years. “Putting on lbs is unattractive”, “I have an appreciation for no stretch marks, cellulite and scars and women our age all have it”
“If you were tighter” physically fit in the right way “I wouldn’t be able to control myself”.
The comparing me with other women even with my friends, they have better hair, boobs, figure and such.
Unfortunately I think hearing these things with his behaviors have caused some permanent emotional damage with me. This is something I really need to work on for my self.

I’m feeling being peri menopause, the possibility of anemia setting in, getting thicker around the middle and I’m just not ready for this. I don’t mind getting older I’m just not ready for loosing my “women hood” yet at 40. With alot of this I also hear those things he said to me in the past and I’m still hoping we could have a child together.