A day in the life of Jennica

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jennica, Jan 19, 2018.

  1. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    Basically reading your post helped me analyze myself better! I could relate to below things in your post in the other thread about your SO's
    • “wanted to be free”
    We met 18.5 years ago. Together for almost 15 years. The sex was terrible. But the intimacy was great. Either of us had never been with anyone else.
    After five years together, I started accumulating fantasies. Looking back I think porn was part of it, but not whole of it. I developed a thing for white blonde girls. I also developed a thing for the idea of a girl who is very sexual, hot, active, uninhibited, sex-positive. I also wanted both of us to play with others who are really good in bed. I was frank about my feelings with SO.​
    • "loved me but didn’t know if was in love with me"
    Since couple of years I only care about her. I don't have any passion. I am not in love with her. I often wonder whether I had fallen out of love. I also became a pervert, a bad person, selfish. I lost compassion. I still have some good left in me, that I share with people who are really good. Some of it is PA, but not the whole of it. I am lonely for several years now. My SO is being so nice since few months now. Mostly because she is a good place in her life. I cannot depend on her for my well being. She can turn cold and indifferent if something goes wrong in her side (parents, children, etc etc). She could also die before me. So being in love with her is NOT my interest. ​
    • "blaming", "fear of intimacy", “sabotaging”, “self soothing”
    Couples of years ago when she started to show interest in me again, I once again discovered sex was terrible. Exactly same ritual. I blamed her. By that time I had slight PIED. Looking back that caused some fear of intimacy because unlike years before, now, whenever she got intimate, she wanted sex. She also put on lots of weight. I never complained or abused, but I did make fun of her a lot for that. I could have avoided that.
    By this time, I was PMOing every single day, multiple times. ​

    During my reboot, I saw a dancer, for several weeks. I bought lapdances. This is like second woman I had touched in my life. I feel stupid but frankly I am infatuated. I feel like seeing her regularly, I am reminded of her often (NOT P, regular). My point is I hadn't lost ability to develop feelings and connect. But my fulfillment journey is about being self-reliant for well-being. Not depending on relationships. My counselor says that is NOT how you live life. Therapy is WIP, 9 weeks/sessions done.

    Sorry long post...
     
  2. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    We have a large backyard, and I love outdoor and gardening. My SO had participated only 2 or 3 times in five years!
    We had grown in to almost no common interests. The only thing we ever do together is watching TV, and even that is not easy.
     
  3. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    Irony is amidst all these roller-coaster I still could tell her anything. And it is perfectly OK if I don't tell something. However NO lies.
    She always knew about my PMO. She didn't object. She bought my first lap dance. She knows all my fantasies. She makes fun of them. She had explicitly told me I can play with others. I never tried because I thought that must be an extension to an already healthy marriage, not when it is flaky.
    I didn't tell her about my PA and reboot only because I am quite strong, I don't need her help. Not because I want to hide it from her. Also she will try to mother me which will be really irritating because I am still mad at her.

    So I thought we are still friends, caring for each other, honestly, transparency, and all that.
    But we have nothing common to relate. So sounds like there is no name for our relationship.

    Now I am contemplating a 'slut phase' after successful reboot! I don't know, never been in the market. I also feel very inferior about my physical self. So that may never happen.
     
  4. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    self-respect, maturity, knowledge/wisdom, there is all that...
    AND it could also because lack of having a fulfilling relationship with a wonderful woman. At least I had caught myself in that.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  5. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    For whatever reasons (religious/values/etc) if you feel my last but one post doesn't belong in your journal you can to remove it. I am totally ok about it.
     
  6. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    @Gooding i wonder how you would feel talking with my hubby.
    I know he had similar thoughts as you. I guess it’s hard being an SO with that perspective rather than the PA perspective.

    We know now most of what he was feeling was the numbness and fog of PA. He wasn’t mentally in the relationship. He never felt loyal to me. Mostly because of the PA, afraid of commitment, intimacy and such. “The grass must be greener on the other side” he felt sex was mundane and vanilla compared to what he was mentally indulging in on daily basis. This all negatively effected his perception of me and our relationship.

    A word of warning, be carful with strippers that’s a dangerous slippery slope. Some strippers are great women (I have few friends who were in he younger years) but the reality is you are just a paycheck when it comes down to it.

    I would like to reply more but we are headed off to work.
     
  7. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    If we could IM, I will share few things. After that if you still think mine was brain fog due to PA then I will accept that :)
     
    Jennica likes this.
  8. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    I know. I confessed to the dancer that I am using her! We do what we have to.
    But respect and kindness is possible even in the most unexpected places. I plan to see her again on Apr 20th.
     
  9. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Night be for last I had a dream, it felt different this time so I’ll hive some backstory.
    For quite a few years I was have almost nightly dreams of my hubby leaving me for someone else, usually in a very cold and cruel manner, in some of the dreams it was with a particular looking woman and she would get pregnant. In my dreams I would feel it all, I was feeling the betrayal trauma before I knew anything was really happening.
    I don’t know if it was all my intuition talking to me but I do believe dreams are a way for your inner self to come through. I’m also very much a lucid dreamer.
    The recent dream I had was a long the same lines but different. This time he came back to me, wanting to get back together. I asked him about the women, he said she was the only one he dated so I asked him how many women he slept with, answered 5. In the dream we were talking but he was rather reluctant, much like how he always was in real life.

    Why I find this significant for me is I believe it’s showing me the change, the steps he, we are going through. The dream was upsetting but in waking and thinking about it I believe it is reflective of how I’m changing for the better deep down.

    I’m looking forward to our retro this morning after he finishes his questions in the men’s group.
     
    Gooding likes this.
  10. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Retrospective was good, I’t didn’t flow in the usual manner it flowed in an opening kind of up way.

    We are still looking for the balance between work and us on the emotional side.

    He was feeling overwhelmed from work and not like he had anything left for us mentally. Our connection was falling flat this week.

    I was feeling lonely and that I couldn’t/shouldn’t bring up anything that was on my mind. He would let me talk but I felt I may have well been talking to myself. I started to feel lonely and retreated to our bedroom Friday night. Half for giving him space and the other was feeling like giving up trying to have a conversation about anything.

    My concern is if every night, he needs to “wind down” then fall asleep, that doesn’t leave anytime for us. Also there are times that I need to talk, if I can’t do that I’m simply holding things in.

    I can give and understand that I don’t need to talk about the problems in my head every day to him, that he needs mental time for himself but there are going to be times that I need to talk when he’s not ready to. Giving the balance to each other.

    This is the balance I feel we need at the moment.

    Retro was followed by a good conversation. Talking through an uncomfortable (for me) long term “friendship” from our past and how it effected me. Asking questions to understand his behaviors towards her during those years. I feel better after this as it was starting to bother me again off and on last week. This is a conversation that felt like I couldn’t get anywhere on for years. No understanding, just more confusion and getting no where, no closer on it. I needed to talk through it, I’m tired of it being on my mind. I finally feel like somethings were answered so I can understand rather than feeling like somethings were being hidden from me.

    *I have noticed something about myself, when we stop communicating-stop connecting through communication I find myself getting back to suspicious thought patterns, dwelling on topics or events that have hurt me. I don’t like this but it’s a sure sign we have more to work on. I think this a emotional trigger for me.
     
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  11. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I do this as well. Whenever we are disconnected for what ever reason, my mind is reeling. Most of the time I don't even realize that is why until later so it is good you put those together. Hope the connection continues to get better for you guys in the coming weeks!
     
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  12. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    A three day weekend.

    We took today off of work and will have family event tonight that I think is going to be fun. Three days off in a row is well needed.

    I am feeling all the disclosure or rather bad disclosures that are being discussed here in NoFap. It certainly brings up familiar feelings. I wouldn’t call a trigger but just remembering. Remembering not only by thought but I actually feel it again, the empathy I have is so strong. My heart breaks for the SO’s going through what they are, it does get better though.

    Sometimes I think what it would feel like to be able to physically share what betrayal trauma does to a person, think Mantis from guardians of galaxy.
     
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  13. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    I am not mentally I the relationship with my SO romantically. But I feel very loyal. Even though I haven't disclosed ny PA reboot, I have not hidden my PMO, or attraction to other women, or my encounter with the stripper. I am not hiding my reboot either, rather keeping her out of the details. In our relationship it is allowed not to share things.
    So I don't believe your hubby and me are similar. My relationship is called empty love (triangular theory of love).
     
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  14. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I have been reading in the Porn addiction and even some of the dating in reboot. I’m an truly amazed at how many posts I see from men that have no clue of femal anatomy, reproduction systems and female erotic pleasures. I logically know years of porn can screw up sexual perceptions but I’m a bit dumbfounded on the level I see in some comments.
    Reading somethings in Dating side I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that. It’s one screwed up world. I thought it was bad 20 years ago before internet was in everyone’s pocket.
     
  15. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Me too. But I worry for my kids.
     
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  16. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Yup.
     
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  17. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I am currently wondering... Just how... Just if... Just WTF I'm supposed to do now.
    It's absolutely terrifying.
    I cant read the dating side for very long... What is worse than the writing of postings... Is when you comment, the stubbornness of the opinions they hold on the lack of knowledge.
    It's like... But I'm the girl!
    OK... Then.
    Sure.
    *shrug*
     
  18. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I know, I love reading GG2002 posts there, some respond favorably and with an open mind and some, I just don’t understand the holding onto the idea even when there is proof, science and general consensus otherwise.
     
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    GG is fantastic over there.
    So much more articulate than I could think to be.
    So frustrating sometimes, to me
     
  20. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Me too!
     
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