A Different Forum Different Status

So with a few days put together, in a conscious way, I'm moving from the Relapse forum to the Rebooting forum.

I feel better from a few days ago as well as feeling better about a qualitative "assault" on the PMO fortress. (I figure since I keep missing the war accountability enrollment I can still think of it as a war.)

I'm a secret agent, I've joined a men's group, I'm putting my resources and energies into being physically healthy--picking up other habits to fill the void: golf--and trying to incorporate a routine workout to increase mood and athletic performance), household organization, creative pursuits (particularly those that may result in income), as well as my property management responsibilities.

I've got plenty of stuff to fill my time rather than unwise behavior and PMO distraction.

Now to do some yoga and get some golf practice done! Woo hoo! Closing in on five days!

 

I can relate to that. I've squandered many an hour -- even a day -- falling into PMO, or worse (pursuing sexual intrigue), when I'd be a much better person by pursuing the things I'm proud to accomplish. Sometimes it's just the accomplishment of getting work done around the house, or perhaps doing something to get my business up and going, or practicing keyboards or drums, or exercising and practicing to become a better golfer.

Goals are always helpful. Yes, we can post how many days we have behind us, but it's the goals ahead. It helps to set goals outside just abstinence from PMO. It helps to know that I'll never break 100 if I'm not practicing my golf swing--tough to do when surfing porn or craigslist. Surfing porn and CL is a huge block to being a good enough drummer to warrant a studio gig. Writing music is darned impossible without knowing how to play a melody instrument and keyboards have the most appeal for me. Tough to do with my dick in my hand.

I've joined a men's group that helps with accountability (not just avoiding porn) so when I'm faced with this list of "I wanna do's" and "I want to go to there's" I'm not overwhelmed and I just assume pursue sexual release. I've got a fantastic girlfriend so why risk that? I've got scads of potential. It's tough not to get tied up in the daily world chaos and want to sequester myself and escape through porn etc.

From now on, when I get "antsy" I'm going to make it a point to practice, make a call to further my business, write--I graduated with a writing degree after all; why not practice drums or golf, or keyboards, or do any of the apartment management tasks that I'm either expected to do or that I've thought it'd be nice to do.

I need to lose weight, I need to exercise and eat better and yet, I rationalize that if I curb my libido through PMO usage I'll be able to focus. I know darned well that the novelty and search for the "perfect cyber situation" will be endless. The hours will disappear as if in a time warp. I retreat to my bedroom and suddenly after reaching orgasm I'll see that the clock reads three hours gone.

Yet, with so much to do the temptation is to just throw up my arms in overwhelm and just "vacation" mentally through PMO use. I'm struggling today but I have one week behind me and hope to build on my constructive days. I just can't expect everyday to be easy.

 

I'm over ten days in. A decent streak. I have to remember that for this week. I anticipate it to be a tough one--particularly in the carry over realm. That is, for me, porn has simply been sexual addiction with less self confidence. Ironically I've found sex addiction is almost as insecure as porn addiction. Looking for physical acknowledgement from women is just ego.

I've been circling the drain as far as this is concerned and have been having Kik conversations with a very attractive young woman who claims to be sexually unsatisfied with her partner. Being who I am, naturally I'm unsatisfied sexually--what sex addict isn't?

Our correspondence, limited to text messages have been utterly pornographic and have done little to settle my libido which always increases as I abstain from porn. Like many, I have enough to do without pursuing unhealthy sex or relegating myself to porn. It's like eating empty calories.

I keep using the emergency app on my phone, coming here to either read or write (mostly to vent in hopes someone might value my experience and make me feel less alone--another motivation of sex/porn addiction) or to simply check my counter. It helps to look at a growing amount of time and realize I can get through this moment.

I can read some literature on quitting sex and porn addiction, or even just addiction in general. I can do something that I've been putting off. I can practice and/or work toward any of the long term goals I'm pursuing. Like anyone though, if I feel I've too much to do, I'm tempted to tune out by indulging in mental vacations, porn, video games (though not as much of a problem), and other activities that can only be described of my mind being "out to lunch."

Mindfulness is key. Intentional living is a code. If I don't feel I can maintain intent and mindfulness, it's best to retreat into an activity that maintains sobriety while allowing me to zone out. Being in a groove is that which allows me to be "out to lunch" while maintaining a constructive life, or at the very least, a sober one.

This is the tiny but important difference between being in that "zone" or "groove" and being stuck in a rut. The latter is nothing more than being "out to lunch" with no long term goal. Just short term comfort. Of course, this can manifest in many ways beyond sex and porn. Anyway, my venting has emptied my tension for now and hope to get a lot done this week without tripping up.

I noticed if I plan too much or provide myself too many things to do I get overwhelmed and liable to relapse. The opposite end is if I don't have activity or activities I suffer from too much time on my hands, and as Thoreau says, "the devil finds employment for the idle." Indeed, as it's also been said, "Idle hands are the devils workshop." Nothing could be more accurate since I have a tendency to, when directionless, make my hands busy in unhealthy ways.

Now to do some dishes, work on my business, and work on my golf swing!