A dilemma of the heart

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Jun 9, 2019.

  1. To those that may read this to try and help, first I must say thank you. This is one of the most horrendous experiences I’ve ever had to face. In comparison to others who have gone through different experiences, and without a doubt much more grueling in a physical and a spiritual sense, this may seem immaterial; in fact I’m pretty sure a standard response I could get from this if I approached a stranger about it would be something like: “Man up cupcake”. The truth though is that I simply can’t go on, not like this.

    To those reading who might be worried by the tone, or even seeing red flags or getting trigger warnings, I can assure this is not THE cry for help. I may feel like a tortured soul just now, but I can assure you I am NOT preparing for my own personal gallows.

    Writing this for the whole world to see, it may even be enough. A cathartic release to help relieve my fatigued psyche. In the grand scheme of things, in a world that has gone quite frankly off the deep end, this would be at the bottom of the priority list.

    To begin with I’ll give you a brief summary of who I am and why I have decided to post this here. I’m a late twenty-something happily married man, for three years now. I came across NoFap when I read an article that popped up on my Facebook feed, I read into it and decided to give rebooting a try. It was a fairly short reboot in all honesty, approximately three weeks, but I felt great for it and it also made me realize that my old porn and masturbation habits had to change; after all I’m married now so its time to step up to the plate. I still partake in PMO but the emphasis now is definitely on the O and not P and M.

    Returning to the issue at hand. The truth is, I think I am falling in love with my wife’s best friend. And, it is tearing me apart.

    When I find my mind to be quiet, she is there. When she comes to our apartment to visit, I’m so glad to see her. If she asks me, or my wife, for help then I will be there to help in whatever way I can.

    When I came to this realisation, I immediately thought to myself this is just a crush, she’s beautiful just like my wife (although with a significantly different style). I even told my wife that, as I was worried that I had seemed weird around her. Being the wonderful spouse that she is, she told me not to worry about it. Being very open herself, she told me that its ok to have a crush and she gets them as well and it’s natural after all we’re only human.

    As time has gone on though I’ve found myself going in a different direction. It feels like love, as I mentioned earlier if she needs anything I’m there, but not quite like it was with my wife. It culminated recently where I dropped having a day to myself to help her with an art show when my wife was unavailable, she was freaking out about every little detail and overthinking so I did what I think I do best. I listened, gave some words of encouragement and assured her that she had done a great job which frankly she did. When I went home and said our goodbyes we gave each other a hug, which to me is significant as she hates hugging people.

    Ever since, when I am not busy whether with work, reading, writing or spending time with my wife I find my mind returns to her. The lack of focus brings me to her every time.

    Returning to my original conclusion, it must just be a physical attraction, I decided to just try and relieve some tension and decided to masturbate. What surprised me here, was that I just couldn’t do it. I’m still baffled as to why.

    Aside from the different style, as I mentioned before, there a lot of similarities between my wife and her. They are both very intelligent, and have an amazing passion for art. As well as being beautiful on the outside they are also beautiful on the inside, and when they both speak I listen intently.

    Whenever she posts a picture on Facebook or Instagram or sends me a message I can’t help but smile, the trouble now being that I cannot distinguish between whether it is solely as a friend that I love and would anything for or if it means something more.

    I couldn’t stand having to block her out from my life even on a temporary basis, in fact it would be close to impossible anyway, but how can I move forward?

    By my estimates there are a few options:

    1. Do nothing, and keep my feelings bottled up. Not the smartest solution as they would eventually explode out at a horribly inconvenient moment.

    2. Cut her out from my life, somehow. As I mentioned this would be difficult considering how close my wife is with her, plus I think this would make me miserable or possibly worse.

    3. Tell my wife that I think its more than just a physical attraction, and/or tell her how I feel. This is the high-stakes option, by putting my cards on the table I could make my relationships with them both stronger, or it could ruin them forever, along with their friendship also which I would never forgive myself for.

    4. Using one of my favourite creative outlets, writing, to try and get it out of my system and see if some anonymous people on the Internet can help. This seems to work, it might help or it might do nothing. Out of the four options though it seems to be the least risky.

    So I guess has anyone else felt like this? If so, how did you approach it? Any guidance on what I could do would be great. Maybe you might think I’m worrying over nothing, or maybe you might think I’m doomed. Any advice or thoughts would be welcomed.


    - C

    P.S. apologies if I have posted this to the wrong section!
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  2. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Love is a choice. Marriage is a specific expression of love -- a choice every day to honor a commitment we have made to another human being.

    What you describe are just feelings. Feelings lie to us all the time, especially if we are addicts. I put little trust in them. Feelings are not to be used for thinking or decision-making; they simply do not excel in that arena! :)

    As a married man, the best advice I can give you is that female friends are no longer on the table for you. For the sake of your marriage and your wife, your interaction with females should be limited to public spaces and there should be no direct messaging between you and any woman without your wife knowing about it. These are rules I have practiced since very early on my own marriage, and I can vouch that they will serve you well.

    If you place this woman in the "friend" category and cut off any one-on-one communication with her, thoughts of her will grow less over time. And I would further encourage you to actively kill off these thoughts when they do enter your mind. Just as we can fantasize about P and go into all kinds of a unhelpful behaviors as a result, so these thoughts of another woman will only lead you into pain and trouble. Best to freeze those sorts of thoughts, identify the lie they are telling you (and they *are* a lie), replace that lie with the truth of the life you actually have with your wife, and live in the truth instead of in the lie.

    Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you leave your wife for this woman, causing incredible pain to all involved and leaving much destruction in its wake, you will only find yourself in the same situation again in the future. Chasing that illicit high will never satisfy you. Learn contentment with what you currently have. You made a vow to love this woman. I suggest you honor that and prove to yourself and the world that you are a man of your word.

    Wishing you the best.
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2019
  3. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    I am not an expert in relationships but it seems to me that you are that attracted to her because she shares the characteristics you love of your wife, but in a different way. It is like when you like a brand of cookies and then a new shape of the same cookie comes out and you like it because it is the same cookie you like but different in some way, eventually you see it is just the shape and return to the original cookies.
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  4. I've got to be honest with you, I do appreciate your advice but cutting off all friendships with women sounds totally extreme.

    So thanks but no thanks

    need4realchg likes this.
  5. I did think that could be it to be honest. Time will tell on how this dilemma continues.

    I might write a log to keep track, it might be useful plus it gives me a reason to write every day!

  6. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    Try to focus on making your wife happy. Once you see her that way your mind should calm down about the matter.
  7. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    What stands out to me in your list of possible options is that the only one that relates to inner exploration is writing. Of course that makes sense in getting it out and helps you process, though maybe there could be more inward work.

    I don't know if this will be helpful or where exactly I'm going with this, since it's a bit of stream of consciousness in the moment, but this reminds me of a friend who is very attractive, artist as well and was married. I guess it was kind of obvious, eventually they got divorced and the ex- even told me to call her. But it never worked, and in retrospect I can see in the larger context of our lives it was never going to work. She's a beautiful person but like anything else both of us have our issues, and at this point I have a more comprehensive understanding of psychological tendencies to see that.

    I think this is why my first instinct upon reading your OP was to do service. This can be sort of a generic kind of recovery advice, but there's a reason - it takes one out of their limited sphere and the attention is oriented on others and potentially their issues. Serving at a soup kitchen might be okay, but listening to a strangers story is a whole other level.

    The thing is, seeing a bigger context and compassion for me is the automatic equalizer. When we cause each other harm it's because there is some kind of blindspot. (dang I mistyped blondspot at first) But in short, focus on loving everyone in the platonic sense of having their best interest at heart, both those you know and don't know - yet - goes a long way. Beyond that a specific interaction can be looked at in more detail but I don't know if anyone is even up for typing that much or remembers that much to do so in a post, the kind of detail I think is necessary just doesn't tend to show up online.
    TColes098 likes this.
  8. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    But what if you are a Cookie Monster ?
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  9. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I LOVE your candidness in this.

    I would like to hear what your ideas are ....

    Where do you “wish “ this would go?

    If you even list the “tell your wife “ option you must be willing to embrace it/her over your status quo?

    I would like to hear how you envision that going ?
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2019
  10. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    Cookie Monster don't want to be attached to no particular cookie. He is polycookieus.
    TColes098, need4realchg and Tao Jones like this.
  11. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

    Maybe so, but realize that that's essentially why your "simple crush" completely snowballed. The more time you spend with a person, the closer you'll get to them.
  12. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

    I wouldn't throw away everything you have with your wife for this feeling, even if it is extremely strong.

    I think the devil is f***ing with you.

    Stay strong man.
  13. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

    You have said you are “happily married “. And very In love with your wife. If that were actually true, you would not be having this intense desire for her best friend. Even though you don’t realize it, there is something lacking in your marriage. Your needs( whatever they are )are not being met.
    I would get to a therapist ASAP to start exploring what is happening within you. That is if you want to stay married. Your whole life could explode unless you get it under control. ( I was in a similar situation) Happy to give you a female perspective.
    And maybe your feelings for Tjus girl are real..... and you can’t live without her..... in that case you need to figure out how to leave your marriage .....
    You can’t have both
    Lilla_My likes this.
  14. TColes098

    TColes098 Fapstronaut

    First off, thank you for your post and your honesty. I have gone through what you are experiencing more times than I can count.
    I've concluded that it must be part of my addiction, and I'll explain why I think that later. I'm also a recovering alcoholic with 38 years sober.
    Right now, as a matter of fact, I'm in the midsts one of my "Fantasy Relationships". These "relationships", are sometimes with a family friend, sometimes with an acquaintance from work, sometimes it's just the girl I see at the grocery store every week, that start out as a crush and through some PERCEIVED response from the female, turn into an obsession that I can only describe as hopelessly in love. I can't sleep, I don't eat, "she" is in my every thought and action. Masturbation just compounds the issue because I think to myself: If I wasn't stuck in this shitty marriage, I could be with her! She "GETS" me! Oh man, It's so cute how she does that thing with her hair! I'll bet we wouldn't get into
    arguments about _______ like my wife and I do!

    The reality of the situation is that I am in LOVE with the idea of her. its what happens, It's our male instinct, plus, I'm an addict.
    I'm what you would call a Romantic. There's an excellent YouTube video by Alain de Botton where he speaks about Love. I'd share a link but I don't know if I'm allowed to.
    need4realchg likes this.
  15. BigandBeastly

    BigandBeastly Fapstronaut

    Go for it man, tell your wife how you feel. I once felt like this about a girl, I was young but I couldn't pleasure myself to her. Because I felt something deeper. I'd say go for it. However do what you think is best for you.
  16. Ra's Al Ghul

    Ra's Al Ghul Fapstronaut

    I know the OP has sinced left but I wanted to chime in. Also, in the event the OP comes back to browse this as a new account, I want to address him directly.

    Since you're a married man, you can't play the single man's game anymore breh. You took a vow and put a ring on your wife. You now just can't say you wanna play single man again just because your wife's best friend is beautiful and now it has awakened something in your loins. Do not pass go, do not collect 200. You're out of the game, no longer an eligible player. Maybe consider counseling, or fix one of your single homeboys with this girl and let him have fun. No more fun for you, you're married.
  17. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    You bring some good points here--and made me think.
    Why do you suggest the OP remember his vows?

    Do married men look at porn? (Do some consider that breaking their vow of fidelity?) Do married men cheat? What about the vow to "tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God" in a court of law? Do people lie in court?

    Whether it's a lifelong political or marital vow, for MANY, what we say we will do is often not what we do.

    What's the divorce rates like in your city? Do those rates confirm: "what we say, is not what we do?"

    I love those movies set in the renaissance or the middle ages where a "man's word" is his bond-- I mean a middle-english "bond" as in a debt, or our 2019 equivalent: A visa credit card. lol.

    Alas since the 20th century,I would suggest that a man's vow or word is no longer his bond, neither is it unwavering, like an unshakeable rudder in the gales of change. It's flimsy--- like cheap lawn chairs. It's like a paper plate at your family reunion picnic breaking with the weight of too much fried chicken. And because vows are useless, asking this guy to remember them is probably like asking him to be chivalrous at the grocery store checkout line, or to remember his dinning etiquette at thanksgiving.

    You are advocating something moral and noble, but how does it work?

    Is quitting is simply a matter of willpower? If so, then could we say to a porn addict: "just quit. Remember your vows-- and use will power." would that suffice?

    For example, from a Christian perspective, the law says "no adultery" and Jesus describes abiding with this law impossible outside of HIM, and His power. For a Christian, the observance of the law is impossible (spirit and Truth) without the power of the law-giver (Christ).

    I'm not trying to make this religious, I'm just asking--what power are you advocating this guy harness to comply with the "law of fidelity?"
    Ra's Al Ghul likes this.
  18. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    This shows me another reason why men and women can't be friends. I've been saying that for a while. For all you know this women is in love with you too. Why wouldn't she be? You listen to her and provide her help and support.

    You should do some more romantic activities with your wife. Go on some dates out or something. Maybe even do friendly activities with her. It's summer time, why not go to a beach or an amusement park with her? Spend time with her and maybe the spark will come back.

    And you mentioned trying to masturbate to relive the physical tension you got from your wife's friend. This is a bad idea. All it'll do is further you're desire for her. You'll associate spending time with her with ejaculation and orgasm. Best to stay away from her and just be polite IF your wife brings her over. Otherwise don't contact.

    In an ideal world you could have 2 wives. Your current one and this woman. But I'm assuming you don't live in a place where that's aloud. So best thing to do is to put all your energy into your wife and stay away from this woman.

    I realized after writing this that OP deleted his account already. I hope OP is either still reading the comments or better yet reconnected with his wife and now only loves her and not this other woman. Good luck OP.
  19. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    If that was true life would be a whole lot easier
  20. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    What makes you say this is not true? In my experience, it is. Where it can get tricky is when we are not careful with what we choose.

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