A Female Significant Other Looking For Validation and Support

[Brittsyboos]

My boyfriend of two and a half years now has been addicted to porn since I can remember. He used to watch it three to four times a day for an hour or so each time. Since then I had a serious talk with him and we agreed that he would only watch it once a day to limit his porn usage. A month ago, I asked him if he would limit it to once a week or sometimes two to three days depending on circumstance (I'm not home etc.) and after some arguing, he finally agreed. Now see, I don't have a problem with porn itself, but the frequency is just not healthy (in my opinion). I personally don't care for it so I don't watch it. But alas, he agreed to do it only once a week then I found out (multiple times over the month) that he had really still been doing it everyday, if not more than once a day and again for hours. I have already told him how hurtful it is to our sex life (he turns me down but I have never turned him down since we have sex so infrequently), my self confidence, and how it makes me feel as if I'm not enough because even if we do have sex, he has already watched porn before and he watches it after...The last few times I tried to bring up that he wasn't doing what he promised he accused me of nagging and says I'm lying when I think he hasn't even tried to put an effort in. But honestly, there is not ONE day where he hasn't watched it and I'm practically begging him to have interest in me and just put the porn down for one day and just look at me but nothing works (lingerie, telling him its an addiction, telling him how I feel about it). And he just lies saying he hasn't watched it and I don't know how to deal with it anymore like I'm just sad and worried about him watching it all the time and I don't want to live my life that way while simultaneously not arousing him enough to be the only thing on his mind. And I'm finding it harder to bring up with him because he makes me feel like I'm the one to blame and like I'm asking for the most outlandish thing. And I don't even know if he won't reduce his viewing because he tried and can't and won't even bother.

 

[LivinginRecovery]

Hi there @Brittsyboos. First of all, welcome to the forum, it's good to see you here. I am very sorry you are going through this as it must be heartbreaking for you. For many of us, we have to reach rock bottom and know in an incontrovertible way that we have gone as far as we can with porn and that a change is needed in our lives. Sometimes it needs to get to that point for us to see how damaging porn is and what it has done and continues to do in our lives.

I destroyed my marriage because I favoured the fantasy of porn over the real-world love and comforts of a person there for me each and every day. I hope for you that it does not come to that, however, I don't get the sense (from what you've said) that he has reached a point where he is either willing to give up or even sees that he has an issue with porn and therein lies the problem. I don't know what to suggest because you have done and said all the right things. You have even let him continue watching but less frequently.

The problem with porn, however, is that doing it for less time each week can mean bingeing during that one session and dragging it out for hours and hours and then a sense of thinking about it all the time in its absence. Some people are fortunate and can use every now and then and it's enough but the nature of porn is that more often than not it leads to either infrequent bingeing sessions or more frequent sessions generally until it's eaten into that person's time and everyone else's life.

It will be interesting to see what others here on the forum think about this. There's a lot of wisdom here. I know I must have hurt my wife terribly by my actions. She never knew about my porn addiction however she must have wondered why I was totally disinterested in her sexually after I had spent time on the computer which I always did when she was out of the house. I'd spend time off the computer and my desires would come roaring back again. I have a lot of regrets about that. I can't believe I chose fantasy over reality but I did. It took me to reach total rock bottom before I wised up. I hope it isn't that way for you two and that your relationship is salvageable. I wish you all the very best.