A few tools I'm using for those in the struggle with PMO addiction

Okay, I'm only one week in, and I decided to list out my existing tools in the victory I'm getting over a 40+ year PMO addiction in order to save a 20+ year marriage. (Brief intro here for those interested, I've yet to post my story in the 40+ journal section.)

Maybe this can help some get off the fence in taking concrete steps to escape the terrible trap of PMO.

• Accountability Partner - obtained from this site and super-helpful, 2x emails every day
• Regular conversations with my spouse telling her what I'm learning, how it is going, what I'm feeling, no strict schedule but get into the habit to talk freely about it. I setup a weekly 'date night', last week went out for three hours at a diner, yes that was another tough conversation but needed.
  
• Weekly NoFap support calls on Thursday nights
• Weekly NoFap posts on the 40+ forum starting this Sunday with a recap
• Monthly (?) psychiatrist visit, who specializes in addiction
• Devoted journal labeled Lucky Dog's Private Journal, and has 24 March 2021 on the cover
• Reading Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson; reading on the YBOP website; ordered two books Out of the Shadows (Patrick Carnes) and Final Freedom (Doug Weiss) which I will read next
  
• No phone in bed, I leave it downstairs or in the closet
• P blockers set-up at the DNS level (fully aware it's easy enough to change back but Simple is Better than Complex)
• 1.5TB (or was it 1.8TB, I don't know) of my P-stash (dating back to 2008 when the last time was I got caught) on every smart device / computer / laptop / portable HD's deleted along with encryption utility
• 90-day Monk Mode initiated, Excited about the things I will discover, about the potential new things ahead
• Iron Will app installed to keep track of days porn-free
• Headspace app installed for meditation
• Binge-listening to Porn Free Radio podcast, wow what a great resource
• Printed out The Feeling Wheel by Gloria Willcox (more about this tool here) helpful in journaling feelings as well as starting to examine emotional triggers
• Started a 'list of crap' list that my AP suggested - unpleasant stuff to do if I'm bored with 'nothing to do'

Anyway, posting this as it may help others get started in building a set of tools. Like with any set of tools, all that matters is that you use them, not just talk about them or just collect them. Stay strong out there.

 

40+ years is a terribly long time - all of my adult life - and there have been so many, SO MANY, promises broken and failures repeated.

Always justified PMO behavior in the past with an "it's normal, everyone does it" excuse, regardless of the shame and embarrassment I felt on the several occasions I've been caught by my spouse, and before I was married by others I lived with.

It's amazing how powerful verbalizing things that were never said out loud before. Just being able to talk about things frankly and normally with my spouse (who is also my best friend) is a remarkable shift.

 

Okay a few days later, and a few more things I'm learning and incorporating into the toolkit. My spouse pointed me to this video from Dr. Trish Leigh, (warning: over on YouTube, so if that's a weakness for you don't bother) about edging and its dangers, and she mentioned how interesting the comments were. (This is all new to her, and she's starting to realize how much my brain needs rewiring.) Anyway, I listened to several other videos of Dr. Leighs, it was this one 'three stages of recovery', and differentiates between slips and a relapse, as well as neuroplasticity and how our brains need rewiring. One great tip here around the 10 minute 40 second mark: 5 seconds to make a better decision. Link to video.

I've also dived deeper into Matt Dobschuetz's great podcasts (available here on Podbean). Great stuff on consequences (positive and negative), and how to prepare for travel (I travel - or used to - a lot for work, and PMO is going to be a particularly difficult habit to break). So here you go.

• Implementing the TUP method when traveling (Triggers, Undesirable places, and Plans)
• Write up a thing to do habitually during the five seconds I have to change my behavior (for me, talk to a family member of anything on the top of my head in a public place)
• Ordered an old book that had a deep impact on me as a younger man: Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled. His chapters on Truth, and the last one on Grace, I'm reminded of in my journey. More about this below
• Come up with a single consequence for a slip-up (not a full-blown relapse). I think it will be for me to give up coffee for 30 days.
• Come up with a single reward for a 30-day PMO-free life. I think for me it will be a fantastic weekend away alone with the spouse
• Write in my journal my ideal life five years from now. I haven't done this in many years, and worth it to look back to prior descriptions from about 15 years ago, and revise / rework / reimagine them
• Come up with a single consequence for a relapse. Hmm, I'd be divorced at this point, so that is what the consequence will be. 20+ years of a solid marriage down the tubes because I could not recover from a PMO addiction, not to mention a huge financial hit. Hurts to type that.

Truth and Grace. What remarkable topics to come back to after all these years. Truth - making maps is easy as a child, changing maps as an adult is an incredible amount of work and effort. Grace - what the world needs more of, not judgemental punishment but 'there for the grace of God go I' as Bradford could say of prisoners headed to the gallows, he knew he was as guilty as the prisoner, and lived by the grace of God. Grace is something so sadly absent in this competitive, all-or-none, macho-man world and it carries over into recovery. These are the themes that stick with me after decades when I first read the Road Less Traveled.

And I look forward to reading it again. (I lost my copy, so had to order a used one which is on its way.)

 

Okay, here I am three weeks later from my last post, and a few more tools to add to the aforementioned pile of tools. Now up to Episode 89 on Porn Free Radio, available at https://recoveredman.com/category/pfr/, picked up several new Accountability Partners, and am learning how important the 12th step is.

• Soon after the above list I paid for a CovenantEyes subscription, installed it on all my devices. Has worked like a charm, really good implementation, one of my AP's gets a weekly report
  
• I offered to become APs to men who are serious about becoming porn-free and who need an AP to talk frankly about things. Have experienced the distance of being just another anonymous person on the internet, being an AP is so much more effective when anonymity is dropped, and those APs I have who I have gotten to know via video call and regular email check-ins and phone calls have gone much, much better
• Studying more about my own emotions and feelings that I used to cover with porn, its tough and a lot of work to see these feelings for what they are, and learn to handle them differently
• Reading up on the 40+ Journal board and others here, I've noticed the history of some many-time-posters who go back years and have hundreds or thousands of posts, and their 'day counter' is set to single-digits. It's like I'm living my 40+ years of back-and-forth all over again. And it gets me angry about it (more below).

I am committed to living a pornography and masturbation-free life. As a matter of fact, last night I read in Doug Weiss' excellent The Final Freedom (pages 67-68) that for the psychological needs for porn, I can write two letters. One a Thank You letter to my porn and masturbation addiction, for all that they have given me over the years, all the pain and emotions that they have buried, all the pleasure and the changes in my state-of-mind that the flood of brain chemicals has released.

And the second, a Good Bye letter to my porn and masturbation addiction, that I am done with the covering up of all these assorted feelings (which are now triggers), all the different feelings of shame and remorse and self-loathing that would inevitably arrive shortly after orgasm. No desire to return to that old, well-worn path, a path I quit countless times over the decades.

And there are some awesome things ahead for me in the new LuckyDog porn-free life, and am already reaping the benefits. One example is only yesterday, I had a huge presentation to give that would normally stress me out quite a lot. This time I was very relaxed, even playful in my presentation, present in mind enough to bring my 'A-game' including others in the discussion only because my mind was at 100%. The voicemail that the VP I report into gave me yesterday is going into the 'hall of fame' of voicemails I have ever received. Suffice it to say he was very pleased.

 

Hey @magicturtle - I can't masturbate unless I have a fantasy in my head, and alas it invaded (was going to say 'crept' but invaded is more accurate) the bedroom so it affected my sex life and suffered from DE as well.

So yes, masturbation for me evokes vivid memories of my favorite pornography; at present I'm not in a situation where I would need it (have a spouse whose health is fine).

 

Updating this thread almost a full month later, with a few updates on what has changed from the original list.

• Weekly group sessions has changed from the NF.com Group Sessions to a PAA weekly call. Much more structure and based on 12-steps, am convinced of its effectiveness. This organization - and its individuals - only seek to serve.
• The last book I've read was the AA Blue Big Book, wow that was great, and now am in the middle of the SAA Green Book. If you want to read a 'classic', read the 1939 AA Big Book, it will teach you a lot about addiction and how difficult it is, and the way out
• Daily participating in the PAA forum, every few days checking in here, contributing where I can, looking for posters who are serious about leaving porn behind. I find many who are willing to post their experience and their complaints and their suffering, and are not willing to change. But there are some.
• Defined my own Three Circle behaviors, which has definitely helped knowing what the middle circle behaviors are, and has been a great help in avoiding relapse so far.
• Filled out two of these monthly plans (PDF from Recovered Man) and plan to update them every month. Clearly written out goals, triggers, rewards, consequences, threats, tools, I've filled them out and encourage others to do the same
• Learned a lot from my first AP, and now have several others with varying frequency of connection. The first AP did not want to have any in-person connection; anonymous person and I would email each other with an unequal frequency and contribution, and just does not work. Now the APs I am involved with I know personally, and these friendships and relationships are growing in both two-way help and in depth. Am so happy to be involved in the recovery of others, as I share my own struggles and challenges. Thank you Rick, Steve, Jay, Matt and Calvin. You have taught (and continue to teach) me so much.
• Have experienced first-hand the benefits of having a CovenantEyes blocker, it's only been two months and yet I can think of two occasions where having that barrier and friction has been so valuable in getting me to stop and think about what I was doing.
• Am up to Episode 181 of the Porn Free Radio podcast, and am continuing to learn and appreciate Matt Dobschuetz' balanced perspective.

Okay, that's it for now, will update this again as the tools I use change.

 

Thanks for the kind word @Robindale - your posts have been spot-on and agree that connection with others are so important in leaving this relationship to porn behind. I've learned a ton about my own emotional connection to porn, and working through the steps is going to be an eye-opener.

Thread update:

• Finishing the SAA Green Book was great. So many, many stories at the last half of the book about all the kinds of people sharing their own hard-won experiences with leaving sex addiction behind. Some had so many ups-and-downs it was dizzying. Others a bit more straightforward. But they are all grateful, and helped immensely, by the program.
• Started a somewhat strange SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION book (link to it not allowed) which was a Alan Carr Easy Way to Stop Smoking adapted anonymously for porn, however could only get to chapter 3 and gave up. Meanwhile started reading Milton Magness' Stop Sex Addiction, where he talks with some authority (having helped sex addicts for years) about its nature. Unique perspective with plenty of illustrative stories from his past individuals he's helped.
• Up to Episode 229 of Dobschuetz' excellent Porn Free Radio. There were some episodes where he has guests that are just... not so great. I just listen at 2x speed on the audio while walking the dog. I wonder why oh why has he not written a book yet (I'm an author myself, it's not brain surgery but it does take a fair amount of work). I sent him an email offering help but... it went unanswered; I'll try again.
• Second celebratory trip for going 60-days porn-free, the imagination is opening up! Spouse is thrilled with these 24 to 28 hour trips away from the house and the kids. I need to start planning the 90-day one, it's only two weeks away, yikes. I think we'll go to an AirBnB in the middle of nowhere. No, better yet, perhaps a 'real B&B' somewhere in WVa (I live in suburban MD, and have had little experience in WVa).
• Third 30-day plan written during the 60-day celebration trip, shared with an AP. My consequence for relapse now is upgraded to: going to a flip-phone (aka 'a feature phone') for 30 days, the smartphone locked away. And facing the consequences of my work - answering texts via a T-9 interface; not being able to join Team calls while out and about; no ability at all to look up information like store hours while out; no listening to podcasts either.
• Having multiple APs (I have to stop and think how many of them, there are 7 that have weekly calls and occasional emails) is a godsend. Making time to catch up, even if briefly, keeps you grounded, especially when a person is struggling.
• I've seen how I can be harsh and come off as judgemental, especially over just a written format like posts on a forum. I've learned that my purpose in life (after turning my life and will over to my Higher Power as I understand him) is only to serve, regardless of situation or response from those I serve. Thus I can be much more gentle in my own approach.
• Having an Amish Hour now has been extended to an Amish Two Hours - a full two hours before I go to sleep I turn everything off, and spend the time reading, talking, being quiet (not really praying, not really meditating, just being quiet). I read Cal Newport's Digital Minimalism and will be revisiting the concept: a multi-Trillion dollar industry has been built to hijack and attract your attention. I intend to spend my attention on what I want to spend it on, not on some new business model.
• Am diving into the Fourth Step of the Twelve Steps, taking a full (written) fearless moral inventory of myself. I expect it to be really, really hard.

That's about it!

 

I'm glad you found it helpful @Calvinist-Korean (what a descriptive handle!)

Feel free to reach out directly if I can help in any way.

By the way I've found individual connection to be so very important in leaving this addiction behind. There's a reason the 12-step method has been shown to be so effective.

Also given your username you are familiar with C.S. Lewis, and Dobschuetz pulled this quote on masturbation from one of his letters.

Collected Letters of C. S. Lewis: Vol 3 (Cambridge University Press, 2007), 758-59; Via Matt Dobschuetz, who comments "He argues that it blocks 'the main work of life.' He also calls it 'an abuse of our imagination.' Strong words. I hope you have some coffee.'

Dear Mr Masson -

. . . I agree that the stuff about 'wastage of vital fluids' is rubbish. For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: send the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman.

For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.

In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself. Do read Charles Williams' Descent into Hell and study the character of Mr. Wentworth. And it is not only the faculty of love which is thus sterilized, forced back on itself, but also the faculty of imagination.

The true exercise of imagination, in my view, is (a) To help us to understand other people (b) To respond to, and, some of us, to produce, art. But it has also a bad use: to provide for us, in shadowy form, a substitute for virtues, successes, distinctions etc. which ought to be sought outside in the real world--e.g. picturing all I'd do if I were rich instead of earning and saving. Masturbation involves this abuse of imagination in erotic matters . . . and thereby encourages a similar abuse of it in all spheres. After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of ourselves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.

Yours
C. S. Lewis