A Fresh Start

Day 17

I'd been thinking about starting a journal on here but at the same time felt like I didn't have enough time but hey, let's see how it goes.

I had a pretty vivid dream about porn today, where I relapsed. Then, in my mid-sleep/mid-awake state, I thought heck I might as well binge. I know I was in this state because I was actually thinking about it and made considerations whether I should carry on watching porn, if I should binge or what site to use. I was so disappointed because I really came to the decision not to PMO this whole year, let alone doing it again after such a short period of time. Then I woke up and realised it was a dream but it felt SO real. I don't know what this means??

Lately, Ive been getting upset pretty easily about the pettiest things. Someone could ask me a simple thing like "are you alright?" and I would interpret it in my own way. I would tell myself why are they asking? Why now? They don't even really care, then get into a fit about it. My answer in all this would be "yeah, I'm fine thanks." This is concerning for me because I like to live by the philosophy that "this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it" but lately I feel like I've been so ungrateful and having pity parties for myself.
I think it's really important for me to condition my mind first thing in the morning. Lately, I haven't spent much time at all doing this; I've just been going through the motions of life. I don't pray as much not read my Bible as much which is quite concerning for me because I claim to be a Christian. I guess, I think I know what to do but it's a matter of doing it now. It's a matter of feeling understood.

I think I'm gonna set a few goals and stick to them, see how it goes. I don't want to ramble and have no direction in my journal but at the same time I really love writing what comes to mind. Hmmm..we'lol see how it goes.

Thank you God for this new day!

 

Day 18

I'm thinking maybe the dream was a warning of me falling back into a PMO habit - it was so vivid. Okay, so today I had a strong urge to PMO and came pretty close to doing it but didn't. It's weird because part of me is repulsed by the mere thought of it but at the same time I just had this niggling urge to do it. I told myself maybe just one last time. You trick yourself thinking you'll get some sort of satisfaction, see something new but I don't want anything to do with porn. I'm glad I didn't do it because man I would feel terrible right now. I had slight urges yesterday afternoon and evening but nothing too serious. Then today, omg...
Fire is not something to be messed with.

The crazy thing is, it's like you lose all reason. You don't properly weigh the pros and cons. You know all the cons: the guilt you feel afterwards, the exploitative + intrusive nature of porn, feeling distant from God...etc but then there's porn with its glamorous lights flashing (in your head of course lol) and as crazy as it is, you fall for the deception. You are not missing out on anything if you don't watch porn. Respect yourself. Remember why you chose to not PMO.

Sometimes, we cross certain boundaries then tell ourselves it's too late to go back. I don't know if it's because we've built up a tolerance or if it's because we think "well, I've come this far (too far to go back)". Well look at me today - I was headed down the wrong path but luckily I escaped. If there's one thing I've realised is that I can't do this on my own. I need God to help me through this.

Peace x