A Future Uncertain - My Story - Chapter 1

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by passionforus, Jun 25, 2018.

  1. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    DAY 1 - PART 1

    One day at a time.

    The roller coaster of emotions I am feeling is something I have never experienced before. It's enough to make me feel BEYOND CRAZY.

    I hear that journaling helps and I haven't done so in years. So here it goes.

    Today I feel weak, although I know I am strong. The number of things I have been through in life and pulled myself from a better person are countless. So, I know I can do this too.

    There are so many things to heal from, and so many things I need to work on myself that currently, it feels overwhelming. So I am reminding myself to take it "One Day At A Time" and "Easy Does It." This will not be a quick healing process.

    This experience was my bottom.

    The bottom I needed to hit in life to know that I can only control myself and my actions. The bottom that made me realize that I have played a part in every sad story of my life. Every struggle. Every confrontation. Every ill relationship. Every action I have made and Every Reaction.

    Reminding myself that the rollercoaster of emotions I am feeling are valid and fairly normal for the circumstances.

    Reminding myself that I need to work very hard to set boundaries in my life and be confident in those boundaries. Confident enough to say "No, I won't" I am committing myself to those boundaries that will include not participating in behaviors that feel uncomfortable to me. I will focus on taking care of myself first and foremost. Focus on loving myself first.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
  2. Welcome! This NoFap community is a wonderful place where you will find support and people who care. We are all hurting people, at different parts of this horrible journey of recovery from PA or the Betrayal Trauma caused by porn addiction.

    There are lots of great resources .. lists of blog articles and YouTube videos -- all great content to read, listen to, and learn about PA and recovery from PA. LOTS of support for SO's like yourself as well.

    None of this is your fault. Your PA has a disease...I hope he can also join NoFap and read and educate himself and discover for himself how harmful porn is to him as an individual and to you two as a couple. Is he in denial about porn being a problem / being an addiction of his?


    For you, there are lots of books out there that people reference. This book -- The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes is a good one. Dr. Patrick Carnes is leader and pioneer in the field of sexual addiction. I highly recommend that book for all SO's (and PA's) to read.
  3. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    DAY 1 - PART 2

    So many questions in my mind. SOOO MANY.

    This morning I found strength in myself. I buried myself in work all day trying my best to catch up from last week of not being able to function. Tried to make my mind off the fact that he left for a business trip today and will be gone for 6 days, 3 of which or only for work. A trip I was supposed to be on.

    Trying to wrap my head around how many times I gave him the opportunity to tell me. A safe place of no judgment. Trying not to be angry at the thought that I am about to uproot my two kids, buy a house, and move back to my hometown indefinitely because of this mess.

    Recalling all the times I thought I was being lied to and it tore down my self-esteem a little more each and every time. Trying not to be angry that instead of telling the truth OR even JUST lying, he would blame me for being insecure, controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive FOR 3 YEARS. That guilt that I have carried for 3 years in feeling that I am crazy.

    I'm trying to remind myself that this disease made him do these things. BUT I used to smoke cigarettes. I was addicted. But I chose every day to pick the cigarette up and take it out of the box and light it up.

    I want to ask him sooo many questions but I know now is not the right time. I thought I needed to journal them for a later date, put them out there for answers from people who have been through this, and/or just get them out of my mind as I fight through this anxiety attack.

    What is a “severe porn addiction?” Something I’m thankful you admitted but please define severe?

    What does that look like?

    You say there is NOTHING that you DIDN'T watch. What does that even mean?

    When you say there is “nothing you haven’t watched?” Which means you’ve watched EVERYTHING? Child porn? Beastiality?

    Things that could have gotten you arrested?

    Is it every day?

    In your car while you are driving?

    Exhibitionist stuff? jerking off next to people?

    You claimed you didn't watch any porn our first year together. So why all the sudden after a year?

    If you can turn it on and off like that, WHY DIDNT YOU TURN IT OFF when I was in pieces begging for you to try to connect with me?

    Is your severe porn addiction the reason you would try to encourage me to watch it?

    All those times I felt like you were hiding something, was I right?

    All the long bathroom breaks?

    Clearing of phone history. . .how often would you do it? How do you save links?

    Did you pay for porn?

    All the email addresses that I found, were they for your porn accounts?

    Where? Where is the most shocking place you have watched porn?

    On the days you were super horny and would tell me that you needed me. Was it ONLY because you had been edging yourself and binge-watching porn all day?

    How did you get any work done?

    Would you reward yourself with porn after working a couple hours?

    Would you claim to be working when you weren't?

    What about my proposal? When I was so insecure about how long it was taking after you had the ring, and the ring being wrong, and all the planning you claimed it took . . . was that an excuse to be at your office watching porn?

    Was is so extreme that you didn't care if it was on your work computer?

    Do you go to your co-work space to hook to the internet to watch porn in your van? or in the co-work room? with others around?

    When our cell phone bill came back with super high data and the cell phone guy told me that someone was using an "addiction amount" of porn and you claimed you were just listening to youtube videos in your car while you drive. . . was this porn?

    Was it so bad sometimes that you had to watch porn before we had sex to get yourself in the mood for me?

    Is this why you would get so mad when I wouldn't act out things? Like bringing a girl home? Is this why you got so angry and said I wasn't doing it right?

    In Amsterdam, is this why you think you got so angry about not taking you to the right light district or a live sex show?

    Why you made me feel like I was nothing and yelled at me?

    Is this why you could just roll over and fall asleep while I sobbed?

    If I was your best friend how come you felt like you couldn't tell me?

    How come you would hurt me so bad instead, INTENTIONALLY?

    I am looking at our life RIGHT NOW in shambles. Like our entire relationship was a lie. I have to move my kids. WE HAVE TO MOVE AGAIN.

    I have to put financial stress on myself and to try to make ends meet. I may have to close down a business. A business that is a dream of my daughters.

    You are a smart man. You self-reflect. You think about consequences? Was porn so worth losing our family over? Did you even think about the consequences?

    Is this why you were so detached and why you could show little to NO emotion. . . and when you did it was forced and fake?

    Do you even love me? OR did your addiction get fed by our amazing sex life in the start enough for you to think you loved me?
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
  4. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    Day 1 - Part 3

    You chose to tell our children that I was moving out tonight without me. You chose to FaceTime them alone while their are at their mothers to relieve their stress of not knowing what’s going on. You are hundreds of miles away on a business trip that you “had to go on.” That you family wasn’t important enough to cancel. You chose to leave your wife during a trama. Leave your children during this trama. Tell our children, my step children, that I am choosing to leave, when both the therapist, me and their mother thought it would be best to tell them together.

    And you chose to tell me that this was happening via text message.
    No phone call. A text message.

    If I chose to tell you that I did not agree with your choices.

    I chose to speak up finally and tell you I don’t agree with your choices.

    Then you translate that as me being negative and tell me that if I can’t be positive you don’t want to speak to me.

    We are all struggling with this situation. We are all hurting.

    Blaiming me and slinging mud back at me is not the answer.

    Telling me when I speak my opinion, and respectfully express those opinions, in regards to your choices. . . Telling me that you

    I have said nothing of feeling controlled and manipulated

    I have said nothing of u throwing stuff

    I am trying to be supportive too.

    There is a reason I haven’t gone down that road.”

    Supportive of the way I react to you abandoning me emotionally? The way I react to years of lying and deceit. The way I react to being desperate for answers and feeling so crazy that I don’t even know the person I’ve become? You aren’t throwing the natural reactions of trama back in my face?

    Yet you are mentioning it. Via text. To remind me that it’s my fault.

    Thank you thank you so much
    Ambrose Grant likes this.
  5. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Last edited: Jun 28, 2018
  6. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    Thank you. I needed this blunt honesty.
    tweeby likes this.
  7. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    Thank you. This rollercoaster is crazy, I called my therapist this morning and they got me in and I have s-anon tonight.

    I slowest but surely getting to that confident place again. S-anon will help.
    TryingHard2Change and tweeby like this.
  8. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Last edited: Jun 28, 2018
  9. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut


    Today I woke up defeated. I wasn't waking up to this nightmare. I was waking up to this reality. I wanted to crawl under my covers and stay there forever. My little safe warm home. I didn't want to face anyone today. I wanted to pretend that my life is back to normal and love on my husband.

    My desperate need for validation and support from anyone yesterday was humbling. I was reaching for anyone to validate that I am not crazy, that I am doing the right thing for me and my kids. I needed someone to hold me so I could cry for hours. Someone to make me feel loved. Someone to make me feel whole again.

    All day long I went between anger and the NEED.


    I went to bed empty. Truly knowing that no one can fill that need but me. I have to love myself. Be confident in me, Accept that whats in the past is in the past. AND MOVE FORWARD with healthy actions. I KNOW THESE THINGS BUT STILL IM NEEDING :(

    Knowing these changes have to be made and actually taking action towards them, not having the tools to do so. Reminding myself that I am working towards them one minute, one hour, or one day at a time.

    I got an email last night from my SO that was yet again deflective, reactive to the boundaries I am setting, and pointing the finger back at me YET AGAIN.

    I replied with honesty and of course at 2 am, I get another one. Eating away at my progress. Devouring any tiny shred of hope I was holding onto.

    I shouldn't have read them. I did. I knew not to.

    Trying to remind myself he is sick and will do anything to defend and protect his addiction, I rolled my eyes and tried to go to sleep.

    @tweeby said
    I wish I would have seen this early today. I needed that reminder. As I drove to an emergency therapy session with our marriage counselor, I went to pass a car and thought to myself . . . I am all these things he says I am. If I pass this car and hit that semi . . . . " I stopped myself. I don't feel suicidal. But the fact that I had that moment scared me. Of course, I told my counselor about it. He is passing me on to a new therapist tomorrow. A woman who can help with sexual trauma and coping skills.

    I focused on taking steps towards healing the rest of the day. One minute at a time. On my way to my S-Anon meeting, the anger started creeping back. How dare this guy try to take the focus off of why I am ultimately moving. I am moving out because of his deceit. His lies. His inability to admit to himself what he has done, let alone empathize with how devastating this is on me! He claims he never cheated. You had a relationship with your phone, you paid for whatever you paid for, you chose this over our marriage and over our family. You broke so many of our marriage vows. And you still are lying. STILL. One min you are broken in my arms crying asking me to stay by your side through this, the next you are pointing the finger back to me. Making all of my anger, manipulation, and crazy sound as though it was that cause of your addiction. NO NO NO. I reminded myself of everything everyone here has been telling me. What I am learning in group. . . What I am learning in therapy.

    I may love him with everything in me. BUT I don't have to put up with the BS. I don't have to let these words affect me. I don't have to engage and let the anger get the best of me. I choose me. I choose my kids. I choose to heal and find the me I once was. The confidence. The passion. The person that had a 3 page actual written list of characteristics and qualities that a guy must meet before I would date him. A list he promised he was. we talked about my list in detail while we were casually dating. It wasn't impossible to meet everything on it. In fact, it was pretty simple things.

    He knowing lied through his teeth.

    Pulling into the parking lot of the S-Anon group I looked down at a ring on my hand that symbolized trust, connection, promise, compromise, love, transparency, friendship, faithfulness, and selflessness. None of which are true. I know that a ring is just a symbolic object, BUT I wore my ring proudly. And right now it is all a lie. And that symbolic object is a reminder of all the lies. A reminder that he kept none of the above promises to me. NONE.

    I took my ring off right before walking into S-Anon tonight. Saddened but in a way, it symbolized taking my power back again.

    Tonight he text me that he loves me with all of his heart and misses me. Still from hundreds of miles away. Every part of me wants to respond with emotion telling him how much I love him too and how much I miss him. NO No I will NOT. This is a mind game. Last night he was sending nasty emails and not taking my calls which put me in a dark dark place. I WILL NOT fall for the BS again. I can't let that one text message give me an ounce of hope. So I detached. I set my phone down and walked away.

    Actions speak louder than words. I will not give him power over my heart tonight. I will put my big girl panties on and take care of me. I will open a book, play some music. Sing.

    Now if I could only get 4 hours of therapy a day every day lol :D
  10. Stay strong. Therapy and meetings are great -- they will help you.

    Also, find some good books about betrayal trauma and read them. I just finished Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and it was really good.

    Keep coming back to NoFap - the community here is very helpful and supportive. I wish you the best.
    Ambrose Grant likes this.
  11. This website has a lot of good content:

    They have some great podcast to listen to about all sorts of topics:

    Some podcast titles:
    "Betrayal Trauma Symptoms – Am I Crazy?"
    "7 Dissociation Symptoms In Abuse Victims"
    "How To Save Other Women Years Of Pain & Confusion"
    "Knowing What To Do And Why"
    "3 Stages Of Betrayal Trauma Healing"
    "What To Do When Your Husband Lies To You"
    "The Five Stages Of Abandonment Grief"
  12. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    I downloaded 6 audio books and 3 kindle books yesterday :D I figure I will fill my obsessive time with books instead of playing detective.
  13. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    Kenzi likes this.
  14. tweeby

    tweeby Banned

    Great job! If you need any help replying to his emails you could always ping me a private email, i would be more than happy to guide you.
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
  15. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much
  16. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    DAY 3

    After 4 hours yesterday of counseling or group and an hour today with a new counselor, I am kinda just done talking about it today. I'm not sure exactly how I feel. I can feel myself detaching more and more the longer he is away on this stupid trip.

    I kept reminding myself today that I only have control over myself. I control how I feel. So . . . I drove with the top down on my car. . . listened to music . . . put a smile on my face even if it was forced.

    I CAN be me again. I cant get excited when he shows glimmers of helping himself. I have been hurting for years and he has had no empathy. So today I did me. Cold? Maybe. Do I care? NO.

    He did text and ask if I could load a couple audiobooks to our account. 3 in fact. Again, I cant care. I have to detach because I know his games. I know when he comes home the finger will turn back to me, tearing me down.

    So FUCK IT. Today I do me. THE END.
  17. Yes..good, progress!


    You go girl..amazing progress. Stay positive / keep reading and learning about trauma and how to work through it...but feel free / be free.
    passionforus likes this.
  18. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    Day 4 - Part 1 (technically 3:30am)

    I can’t sleep. My attempts to divert my detective energy into listening to audio books and reading mostly failed.


    The planets aligned.

    I’m not sure which yet.

    I haven’t revealed EVERYTHING I know to my husband.


    More proof that his online and in-person interactions are far more than what he admits to himself and me.

    For people that think your Anonymity is protected online. . . Think again. Nothing ever is permanently deleted. NOTHING. Everything is tracked. AND NSA, discrete hookups aren’t that at all.

    I’m not sure why I am shocked.

    Maybe holding onto hope?

    Either way, the deeds have been done. . . The picture-perfect proof delivered wrapped in a bow. (Damn near literally.)

    As of now, what’s the point in confronting him and revealing more?
    This would be week 3 of catastrophic revolutions being handed to him in counseling. . . Met with deflection, denial, blame, eventually partial acceptance, regret, and then partial retraction. Only putting me deeper and deeper into into this rollercoaster of a nightmare.

    This one. . . Not even worth my time or breath. I don’t need to know anymore than I can see with my own two eyes. And his explanation NOT NECESSARY.

    The best part. . . It only added more fuel to the fire to make life changes for me.

    Happy freaking Thursday to me!
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2018
  19. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    Day 4 - Part 2

    "I felt unloved and unlovable in the relationship with my sexaholic husband. Each time he acted out, my self-esteem sank a little lower, so I tried to change myself to please him. I thought if were somehow "more" he wouldn't feel the need to act out." - Reflections of Hope page 180

    This was the perfect daily reflection for me today. In my case, I felt like I tried to change myself not only to please him but also to numb the shame and guilt of my involvement.

    If I just open my mind . . .
    If I just try it. . .
    How can I judge unless I see for myself?
    If I start acting uncomfortable, will he use someone else to act out . . . behind my back?
    Is this distance between us because I am not acting out with him anymore or as much as I used to?
    Is he not having sex with me because I have denied him these ways to act out?
    If I handed him what he desired on a silver platter . . . it won't hurt so bad because it was my choice and I am in control?

    Yes, I actively was searching for an escort to hire for my husband, on a couple occasions. That is NOT easy to say. This among other things . . . all have been my choice in my mind. Which leads to more guilt and shame. Today I realize I have so much work to do on me to heal from these behaviors. Open the wounds back up, talk through each traumatic event that took place while I was participating. Work through the emotions of actually enjoying some of it (to a certain point.) And determine why. I do know one thing that has been present in every situation. I have had to drink enough to be okay to participate without anxiety, anger, or sadness. This among many other realizations is a bit overwhelming to feel all at once.

    One day at a time. Easy Does it. AND I AM ENOUGH.

    "We are loved and accepted just as we are. Feelings of failure and inadequacy will be replaced with self-confidence and independence of spirit. We will no longer expect other people to provide us with an identity or sense of self-worth. We will find the courage to be true to ourselves." Gifts of the S-Anon Program

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  20. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    Day 5 - Technically I guess at 1 am
    Still kinda considering this is Day 4 - Part 3

    I had a good evening to myself.

    I cranked the music as loud as I could get it and cleaned the house.

    That's all. Just me MY music and cleaning supplies.

    Honestly, I really have no desire to talk about the S/O tonight. Not because I am angry or sad.

    I am just tired. Tired of THIS being the focus of my day. Everyday. . . all day.
    Him. This Addiction. My mess. Our mess of a relationship. Our failure.

    Yep. Time to sleep. :D

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