A girl in recovery, day one

Hi!

I guess now that I'm here it's time for me to admit to myself that I have an addiction. I've struggled with my sexual proclivities for a long time — it's very hard to be sex-positive and open-minded and be able to draw the line where kinky and fun becomes unacceptable and unhealthy. I've been in denial about the fact that I've crossed that line for a while now.

I'm 24, a girl, and addicted to sex — usually with strangers, usually via the internet. I go online and find people to have phone sex or sext with me. Often they're much older and the types of people I would never want to be with in real life. On two occasions I've invited men into my home to have sex with me. I allow my sexual impulses to force me to ignore what's safe and healthy. I've started masturbating during the day, showing up to work or to appointments late because I needed to get my orgasm before I could leave. I've realized that it's time for me to take that first of twelve steps: to admit that my life has gotten out of control.

I'm already terrified that the photos and videos I've sent to men in the world will come back to haunt me someday. Visions of sex scandals that rear their heads twenty, thirty years down the line haunt me daily. I'm not sure yet if that damage is done or if I'll ever be able to feel confident that I have no skeletons in my closet ever again.

I've never had a serious relationship and I always thought that was pretty normal — I'm ambitious, career-oriented, and picky — but I'm beginning to realize that this all might be tied up in the same bundle of neurosis. I'm addicted to easy orgasm and avoidant when it comes to finding real romance and commitment.

I'm honestly not sure if my problem is with sex and love addiction or if I'm addicted to binge behavior — I also binge on food and alcohol, even though I'm not addicted to those — but this seems like a pretty good place to start. I struggle with self-discipline in all areas of my life so I'm really nervous about rebooting, but I'm ready to try. I'm ready to admit that things are beyond my control and to get a grip on my life emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Day 1, here I come!

 

True! I'm just trying to figure out what that inner shit I'm avoiding is. I'm pretty happy with myself in general...I'm accomplished, have great strong friendships, and am proud of the work that I do. But my self-discipline and spiritual health is seriously lacking. I've been using Headspace to meditate on and off for about a year now and your note reminded me that it might be a good idea to start holding myself equally accountable to that — and possibly replacing masturbation with meditation as a pre-bed routine.