A huge change (NSFW post)

X

xavieravenue

Fapstronaut
Hi everyone,

I had to log on here and write this post immediately. It might be explicit for you to read at work so that is why I put a warning on it.
Last night, I was awake until 4am. I've been having extreme urges to masturbate and watch pornography since Thursday. I was having fantasies and I found it extremely difficult to ignore them. But after a day of soul searching and remembering how god I've been. I slowly began to put these fantasies out my mind. It is like telling somebody to stop thinking about a pink elephant, all you can do then is think about pink elephant.

Last night, I was very aroused in bed and decided to give myself a test.
After I had gone soft, I decided to look at my old porno stomping grounds...by which I mean the links and videos I used to FAP to. I'm approaching my two week mark (after three attempts this year to quit all together). I wanted to test myself to see how I would react to my favourite porn after not looking at it for so long. I needed to know if I had the same feeling and arousal after keeping my mind clear for over a week. I'm gay so some of you might find this hard to read but I really wanted to share my story!

There was one video (without getting too into detail) that always got me going. It involved a guy being tied and edged until he orgasmed. After finding the old clip, I watched it and about a minute in I just had to turn it off. I have to say it was horrible to watch. In my head all I could think was how aggressive, humiliating and unsettling it was. I began to feel sorry for the performers/pornstars involved. It really was horrible to think that this was arousing me. There was no intimacy, tenderness or humanity to it. It was just awkward, aggressive, almost violent to watch.
Although I didn't feel ashamed, I was just in a state of "omigod I can't believe I was watching this!"

So then I decided to watch another video, one of a few that used to make me want to PMO badly.
It involved a guy getting messy with food (it was a fetish that really started to take over my porn watching). I just couldn't watch it. It was just weird and odd and I just couldn't believe that I was finding sexual satisfaction from seeing somebody be humiliated in such a way. I would place a celebrity or somebody I knew into these situations. I'm so sad that I would disrespect somebody that I knew or admired in such a way just to get some sort of release.

I deleted all the links, turned off my phone and went to bed.
I woke up this feeling like I have reached a proper milestone. That all these videos and situations don't arouse me and don't give me satisfaction anymore. It was like looking at things through a microscope!

I had a dream last week about meeting this guy on a bus. All I can remember about the dream was his sense of humour, his smile and how intelligent he was (yes, a very vivid dream LOL).
I feel now that the greater satisfaction for me will begin with meeting somebody, relating to them intellectually and spiritually. I'm so happy that I've realised this (after such a dark, cloudy time in my life!!!) I'm so happy I could burst.

Why I wanted to post was that I think if you are struggling, it's incredibly helpful to remind yourself and look objectively and logically how bad your situation and addiction to PMO really was. If that is have a quick look at something really made you aroused...but without following through and doing the deed...!!! Then I suggest you try it, it might help to centre you and refocus your goals. It has for me and I'm very happy and in good spirits right now.
 
Thanks for sharing, Xavier. You are right on the money when you say that so much porn duhmanizes and objectifies people, and rarely depicts loving sex. But the more we watch, the more desensitized we become to it, and eventually we are finding ourselves watching (and even getting off to) things that previously we thought were disgusting. That shows just how intense PMO can be, that we begin to crave the "high" it produces more than we want to preserve certain morals and how we view other people. That is one of the ways, I believe, that that devil tries to corrupt people.

But, as you've found, it is also amazing how our minds can indeed renew themselves when we just stay away from this corrupting drug. I am actually surpassed that you noticed a difference after even just 1 week! That is great, though. After a while, you will notice an even bigger difference, as well as a greater confidence in yourself and your body image, and just "purer" sexual thoughts in general. Just know that we are never so strong that we can't relapse, given the right circumstances. And knowing, as they say, is ½ the battle!
 
xavieravenue said:
Hi everyone,

I had to log on here and write this post immediately. It might be explicit for you to read at work so that is why I put a warning on it.
Last night, I was awake until 4am. I've been having extreme urges to masturbate and watch pornography since Thursday. I was having fantasies and I found it extremely difficult to ignore them. But after a day of soul searching and remembering how god I've been. I slowly began to put these fantasies out my mind. It is like telling somebody to stop thinking about a pink elephant, all you can do then is think about pink elephant.

Last night, I was very aroused in bed and decided to give myself a test.
After I had gone soft, I decided to look at my old porno stomping grounds...by which I mean the links and videos I used to FAP to. I'm approaching my two week mark (after three attempts this year to quit all together). I wanted to test myself to see how I would react to my favourite porn after not looking at it for so long. I needed to know if I had the same feeling and arousal after keeping my mind clear for over a week. I'm gay so some of you might find this hard to read but I really wanted to share my story!

There was one video (without getting too into detail) that always got me going. It involved a guy being tied and edged until he orgasmed. After finding the old clip, I watched it and about a minute in I just had to turn it off. I have to say it was horrible to watch. In my head all I could think was how aggressive, humiliating and unsettling it was. I began to feel sorry for the performers/pornstars involved. It really was horrible to think that this was arousing me. There was no intimacy, tenderness or humanity to it. It was just awkward, aggressive, almost violent to watch.
Although I didn't feel ashamed, I was just in a state of "omigod I can't believe I was watching this!"

So then I decided to watch another video, one of a few that used to make me want to PMO badly.
It involved a guy getting messy with food (it was a fetish that really started to take over my porn watching). I just couldn't watch it. It was just weird and odd and I just couldn't believe that I was finding sexual satisfaction from seeing somebody be humiliated in such a way. I would place a celebrity or somebody I knew into these situations. I'm so sad that I would disrespect somebody that I knew or admired in such a way just to get some sort of release.

I deleted all the links, turned off my phone and went to bed.
I woke up this feeling like I have reached a proper milestone. That all these videos and situations don't arouse me and don't give me satisfaction anymore. It was like looking at things through a microscope!

I had a dream last week about meeting this guy on a bus. All I can remember about the dream was his sense of humour, his smile and how intelligent he was (yes, a very vivid dream LOL).
I feel now that the greater satisfaction for me will begin with meeting somebody, relating to them intellectually and spiritually. I'm so happy that I've realised this (after such a dark, cloudy time in my life!!!) I'm so happy I could burst

Why I wanted to post was that I think if you are struggling, it's incredibly helpful to remind yourself and look objectively and logically how bad your situation and addiction to PMO really was. If that is have a quick look at something really made you aroused...but without following through and doing the deed...!!! Then I suggest you try it, it might help to centre you and refocus your goals. It has for me and I'm very happy and in good spirits right now.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you've turned an important corner mate. Good on you. When I think of the stuff I used to unquestionably watch, the sheer exploitation,cheapness and pitifulness of that whole sordid 'industry' I come close to cringing but then i realise that we were brainwashed from such an early age to accept and participate in this s**t (like so many other things in our 'culture'!) and Im just grateful I finally woke up and am moving beyond it! I feel strong mate, and even stronger for reading your post. Thank you :-)
 
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