Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Deleted Account, Sep 11, 2022.

  1. Hello folks, this is something very personal and close to me and no other place is much better than this. Actually I was introduced to this forum by someone with whom I was in LDR, but now it seems I am back to my actual place that is 'LONELINESS'. So here I go:

    I was 3 when my father got transferred to Delhi (India). I had my schooling there for about 8 long years and I remember the days I enjoyed there with my family that included my father, mother and brother. There were also ups and downs in my student life as I was quite introvert, shy, low self esteemed although I was good in studies. I was a rank holder. My life was mostly indulged in studies as my mother and school were very strict. I always had a fear of punishment thinking about not getting rank in the class. But that never meant that my mother was a heartless woman LOL. She actually wanted me to do best in life. However, that didnt go well after I came back to my home town (Kolkata-India). So many things changed in the beginning including my friendships as I was enrolled into a school that brought nightmares to me for the first time. I was always disturbed by a boy as he was interested in me but I was not. My studies were getting affected so much that I finally decided to change my school. I was in Class 7 that time. After I changed my school, I was doing well in life. I got many good friends, I also had my first relationship although it didnt sustain for a long time. But during this process I was happy becoz I had my family with me, good friends (not many becoz I am very selective in making friends). Life was going fine until that day when I first lost my best friend my masi (mother's sister). I recieved a jolt becoz I used to share a beautiful bond with her. I was in first year (2008) of my college. That broke me. That was the time when I felt alone for the very first time. I used to feel her all the time.

    Next, When I was in my masters (2013) I lost my father and this was the biggest loss that changed everything. I was in depression for about 3 years. From that day till this day I have been struggling in everything in my life, be it family life, relationships, career, bondings everything. Being an older child I have to take care especially official matters. My brother is 9 years younger to me and I always have to take care of him. My mother looks after household chores. The only relief is that she gets pension that helps us to a certain extent. After all of this, I still feel I have nothing that I can call my own. My mother wanted me to get married due to my age. But nothing such happened. It was only becoz I was not employed due to which I had to face many rejections in life. So I decided to focus on my career. I also worked in MNCs for sometime but I was not at all satisfied. I needed something that would give me happiness and stability at the same time. So I started preparing for competitive exams. I used to clear prelims but I repeatedly got failed in the mains which again lead me into depression. I was feeling hopeless. I also got failed in relationships becoz I couldn't fulfill people's expectations. It was all merry in the beginning always bt as days passed by, feelings changed. People left me to suffer alone. The strange thing is they never gave me any reason for doing this. One day they loved me and the next day I never existed for them. So they avoided me, ignored me.

    My cousins also got detached from me after the loss of my father. I never got them by my side when I really needed them. I became anti-social. I was judged all the time. I had severe breakdowns in life. I couldn't take this isolation and developed a lot of disease in me. I have thyroid, PCOD, obesity, nerve problem, muscle pain, osteoarthritis, migraine, back pain and memory issues. I feel tired all the time.

    I feel younger from inside. I want to do a lot of stuff but I have no energy, my body doesn't permit me much stress. I love to dance, but this acute pain in my knee doesnt allow my body to do such things.

    However, at present I am doing internship in teacher's training and also give private tution. These have kept me busy all the time. It's been a long time that I haven't talked to one of my close friends due to my busy schedule. I also miss my LDR sometimes as I have invested a lot of emotions and feelings into that one. I remember how much happy I was with him. But I also used to have arguments with him a lot of time, still I never lost hope and kept on going becoz I had that mental peace. I have always believed him to be my soulmate becoz even after a lot of turmoil I have not been able to forget him. I feel him even he is not with me now. I tried to connect to him but may be I have lost that place in his life. Still don't know why this happened as we had made so many promises to each other and I have not forgot that yet. Somewhere we both made mistakes on our part. When he was not there, I used to search him everywhere all the time. He didnt talk to me for 5 months. Still he was there with me. After 5 months he texted me, I instantly replied to him. I was happy from inside but I was angry and hurt too. I let him know this but still felt he would be there fr me. But again suddenly he stopped texting and I also got busy in my studies, my projects, my brother's admission in college, I was feeling so stressed from inside. But after all of this I felt like texting him but maybe my ego and self respect didnt allow this time. So I didnt talk to him for 7 months. But still I didnt forget him...I held myself back for a long time although I was looking for him on every social site, including this forum. But I was unable to find him. Its been days I have been stressing out about his well being as I know his problems his struggles. But finally couldnt hold myself back and I texted him which he never responded back. I tried to call him but he didnt pick. Finally I had to take my friend's help to know about him.. He blocked me also. I just wanted to know my fault but he wont reply. So now I have left him alone. May be this had to end anyhow so it ended. Promises are vague. Atleast all these years I tried my best to make others happy by my presence in their life, but I also regret of making their life miserable. During this 9 years period, I have lost a lot of friends, relationships and closed ones. Thats y I have always been remained alone.

    I believe in spiritualism and I intend to follow it throughout the rest of my life. That's all. Happy Reading.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2022
    NISHUCUTE likes this.
  2. From now on I am gonna update the progress I make in life...
    Day 1
    Internship Phase 2 dated 12 September, 22
    * Had a wonderful day with my friends.
    * Invigilation duty as Class 7 had exams.
    * It was raining heavily since the morning.
    * Everything was fine until my mble ph got switched off. I was worried as I had purchased online ticket for train journey. Without ticket it would have been impossible fr me to travel. But with God's grace the problem sorted out as finally I was able to switch on my ph.
    * Returned home at 4.30pm.
    * Had tea and snacks.
    * Gonna start my college project now for tomorrow's class.

    That's all for the day...
    NISHUCUTE likes this.
  3. Day 2
    Dated 13 September, 22
    * It was raining heavily so didn't go to school.
    * Was busy with LD (lesson plans)
    * Feeling quite lethargic.
    * Flashback of Past memories
    * Gave tution to my student.
    That's for today
    NISHUCUTE likes this.
  4. Day 3
    Dated 14 September, 22
    * It was a hectic day.
    * Got into train on time for school.
    * Today our college maam came for inspection, we all performed well.
    * After handling the students properly finally I was successful in teaching the subject English to Class 7.
    * Good experience
    * Came back home at 5.30pm.
    * Watched some daily soaps, had tea and roti, prepared myself for tomorrow's class and now lying on bed writing this journal with complete tiredness.
    NISHUCUTE likes this.
  5. HereToFight

    HereToFight Fapstronaut

    I think you would benefit greatly from reading the book "The Desire of Ages", by a woman called "Ellen G. White".
    Speak_My_Mind likes this.
  6. Sure..Thank you for the suggestion..
  7. Day 4
    Dated 15 September 22
    * Woke up at 6.30, had breakfast and went for school.
    * Got into the train at the right time but in a hurry I got up into the wrong train.
    * As soon as I realised, I boarded the train again from the unknown station and arrived at my destination. This has been my mistake for the second time.
    * I don't know why does this happen all the time
    * Finally I reached the school on time, had a good day with Class 8 and again came back home at 5.30pm.
    * At 6.30pm my student came for the tution. She left at 8.30pm.
    * Did some of my project work and then had dinner at 10.30pm.
    * Feeling tired

    Happy Reading
    NISHUCUTE likes this.
  8. Hard gainer

    Hard gainer Fapstronaut

    Hi sister,
    I am also from India. I am going through issue and got into therapy. I was feeling very lonely and felt like talking to someone. But unable to call anyone and talk. So i thought atleast I can read some post and feel like I am not alone.
    I feel like u are talking about how I feel ri8 now. You got me in tears. Just wanted to tell u sis, love you and everyone of our love is there for you. Please don't feel down. By reading your post I can see you have been gud and very empathic person to other people. And you have been a fighter. I have gone through sexual abuse when I was 5 years old and it spoilt my entire childhood. My dads severe depression and family's financial issue screwed my process of natural emotional development and end up as person with terrible social skills and addiction to porn and cigrates. To add up I am diagonaised dyslexic. I joined this nofap and was trying hard to pick me up myself in 2017 and 2018. But then I got into relationship. The love life was beautiful but with my poor social skills and poor ability to handle emotions and addiction overwhelmed me to handle even small emotional situations in relationship. Every day I was in doubt if this is how every relationships would be or am I week or my partner is abusing me. It total broke me down I became person without spine, submissive, immatured, depressed and I end up becoming like a slave in relationship. To tell in a single word I became what they mention as nice guy. Feeling like I am immature infant eventhough I am 26 years old now.Only later I realized my history of sexual abuse and my dad's rage, social anxiety, financial struggle had made me very submissive and week and I was unconsciously allowing people to use me as door mat. Just the fear disappointing people had made me a people pleaser. I became a person who don't know how to ask wat I want. I know I am being abused by my girlfriend. But it's not her fault. She is doing unconsciously. Because I was not assertive enough to communicate certain behaviors of her is hurting me. When ever there is conflict I give up and apologize eventhough genuinely it's not my fault. Just to not make her disappointed and not hurt her I started bending soo much that I became week, immature and spineless to and extend that she started hating me and she wants to breakup now. It's completely my fault. I finally decided to see a therapist. And therapy is helping me a lot. Last two days I felt very depressed and I felt like speaking out. But I feel afraid to speak out my feelings to people near me. I am feeling empty. I don't want to get into suicidal thoughts. I dono why I am speaking so much about me in your post. I should speak for you and ur problem. Please apologize me I feel like telling out. Reading ur post I feeling like speaking out in ur post. Please don't get annoyed sis. I am sure we everyone can come out of it soon and be stronger person.
    Trust me soon things will change for u and u will find a soul mate and have a wonderful life. Wat u are going through now is just a temporary episode. U will be out soon. U deserve lot of love. You will definitely get that. Stay up u are great and awesome....
    Speak_My_Mind likes this.
  9. Hard gainer

    Hard gainer Fapstronaut

    You are awesome and u are doing great. Keep going and stay strong
  10. Its absolutely fine if you have shared your emotions here. Life is very complicated and uncertain so we never know what's stored in for us for the future. I also had undergone with suicidal thoughts when I was in depression phase. I also had been to therapist and understood one fact is that if you want to truly live then you have to start living for yourself.. you have to start doing things that would encourage you to be a better person with better goals. Need to take one thing at a time and complete it with honesty and hard work... In case of relationship, my only feeling that works now is I am not made for it. I really don't understand it becz I don't understand people and their mood swings so I dnt feel like to be a part of it.. Its hard. Instead, if you start living for yourself and love yourself, you would live better.. Start loving your passion...work on your dreams.. that's the only mantra for a sane life.

    NISHUCUTE New Fapstronaut

    Similar story like mine to a great extent

    NISHUCUTE New Fapstronaut

    Past memories hurt ,disturb alot

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