Hello all. I posted on here last in 2021. I made a post about how I wanted to get clean of this for good. I took a lot of steps in the right direction, but it just wasn't enough. In that same post, I talked about the girl of my dreams and how I would be with her when she came back. Well, she did. We started to hang out a lot, and after a few months we began officially dating. Through that, we have built such a strong relationship on a shared sense of adventure, fun, hours of conversation, music, a love for life, and a love for each other. I am very happy to report that about a year and a half later, her and I have moved halfway across the country to move in together. Things are great. She is absolutely wonderful. The past month living with her has been absolutely spectacular. Getting to begin and end every day with the girl of my dreams who also happens to be the best friend I could ever ask for is a gift beyond anything I could've dreamed. But here's the issue. I'm still on the porn. Throughout this entire relationship, this has been a stain. During our sex, I think of the videos I've seen so I can orgasm. This removes me from the moments that I just want to be with her and feel her. This sometimes causes some issues in the bedroom. I told my girlfriend of my use shortly after we moved in together, and how its something that I struggle with. I've never seen her more upset. This has to end. I don't want this in my life anymore. When it's just me around, the urges can get uncontrollable. I mentioned in my last post that most of my P use happens when I am high, and this remains to be true. Yesterday was her first day of work, and with my job hunt still in progress. I was alone for the whole day. I was doing good for most of the day, controlling urges through exercise and mental gymnastics. Eventually, I had just lost control. I relapsed after about 40 days. I feel so demotivated. I felt like I had build the ladder just to fall back down it. So this brings me back here to get rid of this scourge once and for all. I don't know what it will take. I set the DNS on my devices to block any sites I could use. Even without access, I know that I could find a way to get around it. But I don't want to. I just want to get through this addiction once and for all. So anything you beautiful bastards have, I'm willing to take. Words of encouragement, strategies that have helped you, ways to stay accountable, life advice, fun dinner and date ideas. I am open to anything. Hope you all have the loveliest day, and I appreciate you for reading this. You are your only limitation
Thanks for sharing MoonBear. I fell ya brother. Those relapses can be tough but what has helped for me is understanding the difference between optimism and pessimism. Looking at it optimistically, you just had a one time relapse, you have been doing so well for 40 days, get strait back on it and blast through another 40, 80 days and beyond. Looking at it pessimistically, you have ruined all your efforts, there is no point in continuing with it, you might as well fall back to your old habit. The best thing is optimism can be learned. Can highly recommend this one. Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman.
Thank you, MoonBear. I know controlling those urges is difficult since I have similar experiences. In my case, stop using Internet at night (or other free moment) works for rebooting, because almost all the time I lost control is when I watch Internet at night. I think you will notice specific "time zone" or "condition" in which you frequently missed if you look back your journey. All you have to is avoid such conditions.
This so much. Definitely what I needed to hear today. My progress is still valid even through this tough moment! Choosing optimism is a mindset I have been trying to get back into lately!
