A lifelong tale of consumption - My reboot journal

Hi guys

I am new to nofap. I tried to give up viewing porn many, many times since I discovered it at a very young age. It has taken a toll on my marriage, my job, my finances and every part of my life.

After finally getting the courage to post something, I opened this page and I just started typing. As I typed - I realised that I have never actually looked back at my life and how porn was a major part of my life for the most part of my life - a sad reality. Some of this, I have never admitted to anyone.

Below is what I started typing. Will continue as and when I have time.

My story

My porn viewing habits started when I was around 8-9 years old. I found some magazines under my parents bed and would make every excuse to stay home alone so I could sit and page through those magazines.

My dad had quite a collection of magazines that he kept under his bed - in my head I called them "sexy magazines". Eventually, after months of hours spent home alone paging through hardcore porn magazines, I grew brave and stole one. I hid it under my bed and would wake up in the middle of the night to page through them.

I had a compulsion to page through those magazines - all my spare time would be spent trying to figure out how I could get to the magazines. Eventually, about 2 years later, I got caught and my dad took all his magazines and dumped them in the barbeque and set them alight. I was around 10 at the time - I only know that because it was just before my brother was born.

This put a short pause on my consumption - I guess my dad felt guilty for a while. But it was not too long before I hit the jackpot - a story for another day.

 

So its day 4 and its the longest time in over a year that I have gone without P or PMO.

Got to be intimate with the wife this morning while the kids were at school which was really good.

Feeling confident - yesterdays post made me reflect quite a lot. I have about 27 years of damage to undo - do not expect that will be easy. Will continue my story another day - busy in meetings for they day but felt I needed to check in here.

 

Day 5 - still early days but I guess at this point I am just taking it one day at a time.

I am finding it really fascinating how easily I get triggered. From being alone in the house to hearing a song I had playing in the background during a binge - its f@#king crazy!!!

I spent the last 2 days doing a lot of reflection. I have opened up to my wife in the past about my problem with P and that it has been a problem for the most part of my life - but I myself had blocked out most of the details. Looking back now, all I see is a young, innocent boy that was corrupted way too early in his life.

On day 3, I felt pumped. I felt this build up of energy, I was praising myself for finally admitting the problem and taking action to stop. This "high" seems to be wearing thin. The positivity I had looking back at my life has been mutated into guilt, shame and remorse. The hours spent scrolling away now haunt me. I keep asking myself how I got here, why do I keep finding myself hiding behind a screen, living 2 lives. I am not short of sexual intimacy in my life, in fact, from what I hear about married life - I actually have it pretty good. But, for some obscure reason, I can't seem to control myself.

P and PMO have drained the happiness from my life. I have given up on so many experiences, social interactions and goals to spend my time in a dark room by myself.

The reality of how bad my situation actually is has only begun to dawn on me - and its scares the sh!t out of me!!!

 

Woke up with an insane headache this morning. Brain feels foggy and can't seem to concentrate on anything.

Feeling extremely triggered today, cannot pinpoint the why though. I have been doing some research into triggers - the way the mind associates past memories with an emotion is quite fascinating.

Been feeling a somewhat stronger emotional connection to my wife over the last 2 days - maybe it was always there but I failed to recognise it in my warped perception of the world.

Not too sure if I will get to post over the weekend. So here is the next part of my life's tale.

The preteen years

After getting busted with magazines under my bed, my P habit took somewhat of a nose dive. This was the days before Internet and streaming.

But it was only a few months after my dad set his collection ablaze that I struck gold. At the tender age of 10 - I discovered my first hardcore P VHS tape. This was a whole new paradigm - nothing was left to the imagination. My young innocent brain was being perverted and I did not know how to stop.

It was a real mission to watch the tapes. I would need to make sure that I stopped the tape exactly where it was left. But the 10 year old me rose up to the challenge.

If I look back at all the creative energy that was wasted in trying to come up with ways to look at P, ways to edge for longer while chasing the next PMO, all the drugs that were taken to enhance the PMO, all the times I gave up real sex for a PMO - I feel quite disturbed. It seems the last 27 years of my life has just been spent chasing after P.

From the time I discovered the VHS tapes, it was all downhill from there. Shortly after that came the Internet - and that gave me a test that I have failed repeatedly.

I realise now how my social anxiety, inability to maintain friendships and self-esteem - all of which people brushed off by saying "He is shy and reserved" were more likely a result of my innocent brain being repeatedly traumatised my my very own actions.

When we think of trauma, we think car accidents or broken bones, but trauma is any action that repeatedly puts you in a position where you cannot handle your emotional response. There is no way in hell 8-10 year old me had the emotional maturity to deal with being repeatedly exposed to P - I mean, 34 year old me can hardly handle it.

But that's all I have time for today. Will try and check in over the weekend - these posts seem to have given me some purpose.

 

Today is day 10 - In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would be able to go so long without P and PMO. It had been so ingrained into my life that it was a part of my daily routine. All of a sudden, I find myself with all this free time, and if I am totally honest - it's a huge trigger for me. I'm all fidgety and can't seem to sit still for 5 minutes.

When something has been almost a part of my daily life for 27 years, it becomes the de-facto standard for dealing with any kind of situation. For now I just need to bite the bullet and push through the anxiety.

Logging off now and will try to remain strong.

 

I actually managed to pull through yesterday - I honestly felt like I was going to fail. The success of pushing through the difficult day I had has renewed some motivation.

But the road is long and treacherous, temptation lurks at every turn. I am finding that gathering my strength and pushing through the trails has left me feeling more respectful of myself. I have always felt that I lacked discipline and self control - which makes this so much more than just giving up P and PMO. It's about learning to respect myself and my boundaries. It's about discipline and self control - failing at this would just be the final reassurance that I do not have the self control to do this.

 

I feel like I am floating along this journey of life with no real purpose. For the longest time, my only "purpose" was chasing the next PMO and now that it's no longer an option, I feel lost. I guess this would be a great time to go on a journey of self discovery and actually get to know myself.

Been having a problem recently, don't know if it's psychological or a real thing - I was having multiple PMO's a day - not that I stopped and am only having O's with my partner, they are few and far between. I find myself feeling full and heavy - like there is a whole lot of tension that needs to be released. Anyone else experienced this?

 

Fuck it!!! Back to square one.

It happened so quickly - one wrong Twitter feed and it was down the rabbit hole.

Kind of disappointed in myself but I need to be wary not to fall to deep into the pit of shame and guilt. I think a little bit of guilt and shame could motivate me to be better but if I fall into the pit, that just fuels the fire and could send me into a bigger spiral.

On the other hand, I do not think I have been 11 days without P or PMO since I discovered it as a young child - will take that as a win.

So I'll pick myself up, dust off the failure and dive head first into the next streak.

Here we go again - Day 0

 

This hit the nail on the head. I guess now its about rebooting my brain so I can find joy in the little things in life.

 

Hey @Ekhangel - sent you a PM.

Yesterday was a total disaster. After slipping once, it was a total downhill path from there. Went on a bit of a binge - it was pathetic.

Today is going better. Need to keep my mind clear and take it one day at a time.

I realised what my trigger was - wife has been sick the last few days and I had taken over all the family responsibilities - not that I mind. I am a physical person and need some affection every now and then - not necessarily sexual. With her being sick, I have been keeping my distance, no point in having 2 sick adults and 3 kids to look after. I think the lack of physical affection triggered me more than I thought it would. Grateful to have made that association.

Been doing a lot of research on NLP and CBT and wondering if the principles could be used to conquer PA. Anyone experienced with these practices?

 

Its been some time since I last logged on here - since then, it has been one long relapse, using daily. I think I have finally had enough of being this person - my self esteem has crashed, I am an insecure mess and my emotions have been a roller coaster.

So here I am once again, hoping to make better progress this time round.

 

Thanks buddy - It does feel good to "rise from the ashes" - somewhat of a motivation boost although I do know it will not be long lived.

Lets hope this time round I can make it more that 11 days which was my previous best.