A Lifetime of Addiction

I'm not sure where this thread will go, but I feel the need to take a look back at my life and take stock of where I've been, who I am now and where I'm headed. I've heard we are not to dwell in the past, and that my be true, but the past can offer valuable lessons and insight into current issues.

When I think of my past, I don't have many positive feelings. I recall missed opportunities, failed social interactions, and an overall inability to change. Elementary school was plagued with bullying, in middle school I was friendless and isolated, and high school was a constant battle of trying to find my place and fit in with others who were welcoming on the outside but with whom I had no strong connections with. I often basked in outward displays of depression as a means of drawing pity and sympathy, and that's a trend I continued off and on through the years. Fantasy and masturbation were the things I held on to. The moments before sleep were the highlights of my day. I could turn a popular, attractive girl who bullied me into someone who craved sex with me. I could be an expert in martial arts and overcome any physical assault. These and many more were the escapes that got me through my early years.

In college I had experienced the seeds of sexual perversion that continue with me to this day. I remember 2 instances of leering that a friend called me out on, one was in a hotel where there happened to also be a gymnastics meet. The girls were probably middle school/high school age, and I was staring transfixed. My friend was a bit disgusted at me, but I responded with empty justifications of me just being interested in gymnastics. I fantasized about sexual encounters with every female friend I had, and that is not exactly abnormal male behavior, but for me it was feeding the flames of my addiction. I found the outlet with internet porn, but together with fantasy I developed hardly any skills of dealing with my emotions without turning to my addiction.

Nowhere and at no time did I contemplate the morality of my actions. I grew up as a Christian, converting to one through baptism as a teenager. I was exposed to biblical morality throughout my life, but it never became part of my character. Well, maybe it did in that I know what is appropriate and what isn't, what is moral and what isn't, but what I lack are not the values that I must live my life by, but rather the integrity to live by those values. Leering, fantasy, finally losing my virginity as a Junior in college, drowning my depression with alcohol when I was able to purchase it at 21 (my inability to socialize pretty much ruled out booze filled parties). None of this is necessarily unique, but I suppose the question I want to answer is whether or not I have some type ingrained perversion in me, a predisposition through a lifetime of social failure to be attracted to deviant forms of sexuality.

It's an impossible question. I've read so much about escalation in porn consumption, and I also know how porn addiction can escalate to acting out in real life. Both of these things are proven and apply to me, but the problem I face is how do I explain inappropriate leering back in college before my porn addiction took off? Does it even matter? I'm attracted to the female form, and that includes teenagers. It's a core category in probably every single general porn site. I'm attracted to the taboo. One of my first porn videos I saw in college, 24 years ago, contained multiple scenes of incest between mothers and sons. I was aroused, fascinated, and oddly not disgusted. This was before I was even viewing porn regularly, so an "escalation" from vanilla to incest porn does not exactly apply to me if I was consuming it from the start.

How I came to be where I am is a moot point. I've allowed my addiction to cross into real life. I've done things that are creepy, disgusting, and possibly even illegal. If my sins were laid out for the world to see, I would become a pariah. I learned recently that even if my brain successfully rewires with a reboot, the lines I've crossed will always be with me. I hate my past, I hate the things that I've done, and since early childhood I've hated myself. I suppose in some ways that has helped my addiction thrive. When you already hate yourself, crossing unspeakable lines are somehow easier. I wanted to end this entry with a statement of hope, and I suppose the only hope I have is I've not quit and I'm still forging ahead.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I agree in that I know it's possible to be whole in recovery, but as for the before part, that's where I struggle with the past. I can't pinpoint exactly when my addiction started, so it's hard for me to say I was a whole human before it. I know my 2nd year of college (1995) was when I first entered pornography in a search field to see what I would get, and afterwards I was hooked, but I can't say that was the beginning. In high school I was given many babysitting jobs, and at every house I went into, after I put the kids to sleep I would search the master bedroom for pornography. I would find it - every time. Immaculate, perfectly maintained magazines. I remember treating them as if they were fragile, ancient texts and getting such a rush out of them, partly because I was invading privacy and feeling the exhilaration associated with that, and mostly because I was looking at porn. For someone not predisposed to addictions, this may not have turned into anything, but for me it was always something I craved. Finally getting out of my parents house into college allowed my cravings to flourish, and I graduated a porn addict.

What does it say about me that I did those things? That I betrayed the trust of others without any apparent misgivings? Again, it's easy to shrug those things off. Every person has things they've done that they're ashamed of. Perhaps the difference in me is that those sins compounded with others to make me what I am today. I've betrayed the trust of my wife countless times. I've lied to her to keep my addiction secret - countless times. I wish I can admit that I'm overwhelmed with shame because of it, but I have far greater crimes in my portfolio.

I had mentioned I don't know where this thread will go, but I'm starting to see a clear picture. What does a lifetime of addiction say about me as a person? How can I blame the addiction as if it were a separate entity responsible for making bad and immoral decisions, when I was making those decisions before I was even addicted? It makes the excuse of "I'm just an addict" sound ridiculous, because I'm more than just an addict. I'm a product of my decisions and lack of character which allowed an addiction to thrive. There's no excusing that, and a 90/180/365+ reboot may help with the addiction, but what will be left is the same person I was and still am. That's why recovery is so much more than just abstaining, but it's about developing myself and improving who I am apart from just consuming porn and jerking off. I have a long way to go...

 

I agree, we all have evil inside of us, some more than others. I do want to change, but lasting change requires persistent effort and diligence. This may be why so many don't confront their demons because the status quo, regardless of how destructive it may be, is far easier.

A lifetime of addiction requires a lifetime of recovery. That statement is more relevant the longer one is affected by addiction, but for everyone there's a very definitive line that is crossed which requires a lifetime of recovery. I don't believe I was ever addicted to alcohol, in spite of my best efforts to become an alcoholic. I never got hooked to it. Stopped it casually without even thinking about it due to circumstance. Occasionally drink it now.

I was hooked on porn the first moment I saw it, before the internet even. Why was that different? What did I have a predisposition to a porn addiction and not to alcoholism? There can be no definitive answer, but if I were to speculate it's due to craving that which I do not have. Wanting to connect with people in ways I saw others doing so. I had friends in high school, but they were superficial relationships at best. Same through college. I graduated and had 1 friend who I still hung out with occasionally, but I manged to destroy that relationship. Loneliness, then, is a factor. I lust, I crave close physical contact, and I never allowed that craving to be satisfied with my wife.

So now I'm here, fighting to overcome the demons I've kept within me for decades. I still have my wife. My addiction hasn't destroyed our marriage. We aren't perfect, and I have so many areas to improve upon as a husband, but I must appreciate her and be content with her and stop craving something else which I know will be a cheap imitation of what I have that is real.

 

No worries about "hijacking" the thread a little. To be clear, my wife is supportive of my recovery in that she knows it's something I'm actively fighting, but she does not know the extent of my addiction nor the history of it. To her, it's a morality issue. However, I don't involve her in my day to day struggles. I disclosed to her once over a year ago, but it was a pathetic disclosure and I wasn't active in my recovery yet, so in a way I don't believe it counts. I was able to join NoFap and jumpstart my recovery before my addiction and subsequent acting out were "caught" by my wife or anyone for that matter, which would have destroyed my life and my family.

I'm saddened by what you wrote with regards to your wife. I found your journal and read it, and I can understand. Unfortunately, the damage done with a porn addiction can have serious consequences, some of which you are currently experiencing. On the flip side, there are many positive examples here of men who have reversed that damage and have repaired their relationships. It's a long road, and it's going to be challenging, but your wife's support or lack thereof can not be a factor in your recovery. The absolute best thing you can do for you and your wife is to recover, and by all accounts it appears as if that's what you are doing. Recovery is the only path towards healing your marriage.

Have you considered suggesting your wife join NoFap? There's a tremendous amount of support for SOs of addicts here, and it could very well be a benefit to you as it would give her a place to vent as well as hopefully gain a better understanding of our addiction and the fight against it. Regardless, the hope you can hold on to is that by continuing to develop your positive habits, by abstaining from PMO, and as a result changing your life for the better, your wife will notice and be appreciative of the changes you've made and are continuing to make, and that's a recipe for a healthy marriage moving forward. Support her and the consequences she faced with your addiction, focus on your recovery, and you will have a much stronger chance of things working out in your favor.