Hello friends. I am typing this because I'm in a tough situation at the moment. I broke out of a 4 day binge yesterday after relapsing on day 110 or so. It wasn't pretty. I was laying on my bed, semi flaccid PIED cock in my hand crying inside and fapping away. I ended up deleting my social media apps and going for a long bike ride through the farmland. It's been difficult because the people on those apps were the only social contacts I had. In real life I go days without talking to a single person. I've been thinking a lot and facing reality is not easy. I dropped out after highschool at age 18, I am 20 now. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn't attend school anymore, I would spend all day in bed and I did that for about a year or so before I started fighting back and following the nofap path. I'm so confused with life. I don't understand anything and the sheer meaninglessness of it all is debilitating. I don't have any friends because my anxiety is so bad I can't talk to people or attend things where I would meet other people and my contact with family is minimal and shallow. I don't know why my anxiety is so bad, it might be withdrawal or I might have an underlaying mental problem. I've seen doctors, psychiatrists but they don't know anything. They just prescribe you drugs and give you advice that your parents could've given you. So that leaves me basically alone and that's fine, I've been on my own for a long time now and it doesn't freak me out as much anymore as it used to. I just don't know what to do with my life. I don't have education outside of my highschool diploma and the books I've read while at home. I am so lost and it's very difficult spending all day alone in the flatline. I go out a lot, hiking, reading books outside but it doesn't really help. It just feeds into my loneliness seeing all these other people outside. I just don't see the point anymore. I'm so lost in my head, I can't think clearly anymore. I've been thinking about killing myself because there is nothing I want out of life. Contact with other people seems shallow because there are always alterior motives, manipulation, shallowness. It's never pure. My hope of being loved is gone because I don't believe unconditional love exists. I know that this is very hypocritical because I am no better than the people I avoid; this makes me feel even worse. I have a volunteering job starting this week at a small store and I hope that might help with my anxiety, facing people and getting more comfortable around them. I don't think it'll improve my life much but I'm just gonna do it because what else is there? Thanks for reading.