A long read but worth it if you are struggling.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by nitsuj0786, May 13, 2019.

  1. nitsuj0786

    nitsuj0786 Fapstronaut

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    To add real quick before I begin, there are not quick fixes and no shortcuts on this journey. If you are looking for a quick post to help, then maybe you aren't truly ready to quit. That may be harsh, but to help with this addiction harsh truth needs to be heard. I tend to ramble but to those that stick with it, I hope it helps. Also, ask me any questions you may have.
    I have not been on this site in a long time, forgot my username actually. This doesn't quite fit the success story section because it isn't 30+ days. I am at 4 days but been several since I have PMO'd. I count any P as starting over, although I know it doesn't erase my progress. I also know that viewing it for hours without O can be just as damaging if not more than full PMO, or as some people say a full relapse. I wanted to write to the few or many who are struggling to go a few days and not relapse, watching P or full PMO, because that was me. Sometime the success stories start with how they know the first couple weeks are the hardest, or I haven't been on a long streak just 30 days and they all say that is a really short time. When I read my thought was always that i wish I could even get to 2 weeks or a month. I have done a lot of back on forth or always refining what I am doing to stop watching porn.
    Here lately I have figured something out because of sex with my wife. Let me explain a little. A lot of people say that if they had a wife or gf or partner of some sort they would have no problem, but that isn't how an addiction works. Logical and addiction don't mix, that craving for a dopamine rush hits both single people and people in a relationship the same. For a years now, at least early 2012, I have had fears here and there of sex because I didn't know if it would be able to preform or not. You may have shame when you relapse but you have no idea when it is with a partner. My wife would look at me and ask why do I not excite you, and she would come to the assumption that she wasn't attractive to me. She didn't understand how wrong she was about that, I find her extremely attractive. But actions speak a lot louder than words.
    Here lately I haven't been afraid of sex at all and I am responding even when I have no want or need of sex at the moment, which would have never happened in the past. Would have been having sex 3-4 times a week. Which she is extremely happy about and so am I. Mainly that I can have sex and not have the constant fear of please don't go soft please don't go soft. I would also make up all kinds of excuses not to have sex as well, and remember this has gone on for years.
    I have had quite a few streaks of 4-5 days now, ending when I look at porn even if it is for 5 minutes. But when it happens I jump right off and reset my counter. I'm not upset about it because it wasn't long. But I assess what happened and how to stop that next time around.
    So to get to my actual point, I work on a computer all day in an office by myself, so I have freedom to do what I want. So, for the longest time I always tried to avoid porn, or do things so that I can avoid porn. That was my mistake, if you try to do something to avoid porn, ultimately you aren't really working towards anything except not watching porn. I have to watch the market and I used to stand up away from the computer and watch it. I thought okay if I am away from the computer I won't touch it. Well, whenever I sat down I would wonder online and eventually end up on back on porn. Well at some point I started to focus myself on learning charts and different moves from the market instead of watching the market to learn, but mainly avoid porn. My interest in what I was doing started going up so sitting down didn't matter, because my interest in what I was doing mattered more.
    So my point to all this is find a passion or maybe it is your job. Find a reason to soar in that area. Don't try to do something to avoid porn, find a reason to do better in that activity. And if you aren't happy with where you are in your job, come up with a way to find a better one or find ways to become an entrepreneur. If you don't have a passion, find one. And put energy and fire behind it, but not to avoid porn, to become awesome and do awesome things at that passion or hobby.
    So if you have stayed with me this long I thank you and ask me if you have any questions.
     
  2. nitsuj0786

    nitsuj0786 Fapstronaut

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    Oh, almost forgot, a journal will help too. Whether a personal one only you can read or on this site. But here is an entry that I read early today that really help me put things into perspective on how I felt after. We seem to never remember how we feel directly after, and our brain will tell us "don't worry it won't happen this time, you will feel awesome". This is that entry, not saying I am on day 0.


    Day 0
    Trying to come up with how I feel, I finally figured it out. I feel empty, just totally empty. What started out just peaking a little first raw then 8, turned into all afternoon. Everything seemed fast paced and then when I finished after more than a few hours everything just stopped. Now I feel like a wasted the afternoon and my head is just pounding. And I feel this emptiness inside, like my mind was telling me that once I get to the end it will be awesome. Now that I further think about it and explore that feeling, it is disappointment. Disappointment from a wasted day, disappointment on a relapse, but I think most of all disappointment that there was nothing there when I finished. There was no huge thing that was awesome no nothing, just me and the computer. But also, what makes the disappointment, so deafening is the silence. I finished and there was just silence all around me. It is so weird now, things seem to be rushing to my head. My head is spinning, like being drunk but none of the other fun side effects. Now the shame has set in on what this means and the set backs this causes. There is a part of my brain that is alive though, telling me to use this. Head is still spinning from the rush of dopamine, driving me forward on that binge telling me the end is worth it. Well here I am, and there is nothing worth it here. It is just silence and thoughts. My head feel so fucking weird right now aaaaggghhhh. I feel like I must rub my temples just to focus.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2019
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  3. Phoenix333

    Phoenix333 Fapstronaut

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    Hang in. Day 0 here. I looked at P this am prior to work then M. It's just not worth it.
     
  4. Tonytone

    Tonytone Fapstronaut

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    This is a great post. It's the after-effects that are killers. That empty, "oh-no, I've done it again" feeling. It's just so awful. This post is a great reminder of how those feelings destroy a person from the inside.
     
  5. RoadToSuperSaiyan9

    RoadToSuperSaiyan9 Fapstronaut

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    Amazing post. Thank you buddy
    And good luck for the rest of your journey
     
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  6. nitsuj0786

    nitsuj0786 Fapstronaut

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    I think of the empty as just an empty feeling. Like there is this big thing I am going towards then nothing. I just feel an emptiness inside. The only connection being to the internet.
     
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