staystrong22
New Fapstronaut
Hi guys,
I am a guy from Europe currently looking at my life... Shattered to pieces.
I was addicted to cyber sex and porn the last 12 years and couldn't stop in my (now very difficult) last 4 year relationship. It all came out like 5 weeks ago and I confessed my cheating and my addiction fir the first time to anyone. First to hery than to my family and then I got a therapist. I am working on it but the realization of what I did is really hard to handle and my mental constitution is fragile... I easily rage these days when I am discussing what happened with my girlfriend and I am getting overwhelmed by all those negative feelings...
The only good thing is, without the pressure of hiding and lying I am 45 days sober and I did not struggle to stay sober these days.
I would really appreciate if you guys could share your experience in some questions which are really troubling me...
(I also tried to share my story but the thread is still under review. I maybe wasn't careful enough with my language...)
QUESTION:
1. I really can not understand what it was that I engaged with girls online who were not attractive to me at all. If someone had found out what kind of women I talked to online I would have been so embarrassed. And the biggest share of women was like that. Even the ones I slept with were embarrassing for me. I don't want to shame them or something like that. I just ask myself how could I sleep with women or talk to women for weeks like good friends, I find embarrassing and not attractive at all. And they were not nice persons either. It was just a lot of crazy sex talk...
Do you guys experienced the same? Was it just for the validation? Or was ist for the feeling of being "normal" because other people are as fucked up in the head like I was?
2. I did things I am ashamed of... My kinks really went crazy and in addtion to women I did not find attractive I did things I can not imagine to be attractive to like degrading myself online with picture for other men... Or degrading women for me... Engaging in each and every fetish imaginable just to get a new high, a new thrill.
Is this really what addiction feels like? To torture ourself for the next high?
3. How do you handle the thoughts when you write about something you did and suddenly you are getting an urge to do it again even you kno how bad you would feel afterward? And how to you explain that you did all that and you kind of liked it or at least got high on it and now this is so disgusting and shameful but sometimes you think of doing it again? This is so controversial in my head.. I do not know how to feel?
4. How did you handled your relationship if you had one while doing it? Did you fixed it? What about the feeling of being a cheater? All the pain you caused? How do you handle it?
You guys would be so helpful and I would love to share my experiences if you have questions.
Love,
Patrick
I am a guy from Europe currently looking at my life... Shattered to pieces.
I was addicted to cyber sex and porn the last 12 years and couldn't stop in my (now very difficult) last 4 year relationship. It all came out like 5 weeks ago and I confessed my cheating and my addiction fir the first time to anyone. First to hery than to my family and then I got a therapist. I am working on it but the realization of what I did is really hard to handle and my mental constitution is fragile... I easily rage these days when I am discussing what happened with my girlfriend and I am getting overwhelmed by all those negative feelings...
The only good thing is, without the pressure of hiding and lying I am 45 days sober and I did not struggle to stay sober these days.
I would really appreciate if you guys could share your experience in some questions which are really troubling me...
(I also tried to share my story but the thread is still under review. I maybe wasn't careful enough with my language...)
QUESTION:
1. I really can not understand what it was that I engaged with girls online who were not attractive to me at all. If someone had found out what kind of women I talked to online I would have been so embarrassed. And the biggest share of women was like that. Even the ones I slept with were embarrassing for me. I don't want to shame them or something like that. I just ask myself how could I sleep with women or talk to women for weeks like good friends, I find embarrassing and not attractive at all. And they were not nice persons either. It was just a lot of crazy sex talk...
Do you guys experienced the same? Was it just for the validation? Or was ist for the feeling of being "normal" because other people are as fucked up in the head like I was?
2. I did things I am ashamed of... My kinks really went crazy and in addtion to women I did not find attractive I did things I can not imagine to be attractive to like degrading myself online with picture for other men... Or degrading women for me... Engaging in each and every fetish imaginable just to get a new high, a new thrill.
Is this really what addiction feels like? To torture ourself for the next high?
3. How do you handle the thoughts when you write about something you did and suddenly you are getting an urge to do it again even you kno how bad you would feel afterward? And how to you explain that you did all that and you kind of liked it or at least got high on it and now this is so disgusting and shameful but sometimes you think of doing it again? This is so controversial in my head.. I do not know how to feel?
4. How did you handled your relationship if you had one while doing it? Did you fixed it? What about the feeling of being a cheater? All the pain you caused? How do you handle it?
You guys would be so helpful and I would love to share my experiences if you have questions.
Love,
Patrick