A Monk's Love Letter to NoFap

Dear Buddhist Fapstronaut Brothers,

I'm grateful to have found this community and I'm inspired by you. Thank you for your efforts to transform, heal, and grow.

I'm a Buddhist monk in my thirties. I've been practicing complete chastity for four years. Some days are less difficult than others, but few days are without some degree of challenge. My longest streak lasted about three years and three months. I had a few relapses in the last year, but my current streak is 158 days. The truth is that I'm not addicted to pornography, sex, or masturbation, but I still think about sex, still find myself sometimes lost in fantasies and memories. My aspiration is a lifetime of chastity, and though I recognize that many of you in this community are here because you're hoping for a committed relationship, with humility, I thought it may be beneficial to share what has helped me, because in the short-term, our goals are not dissimilar. I wrote this letter with a secular audience in mind, so I apologize if you are already familiar with these ideas, but in the interest of inclusivity, I wanted to share it here too. Please feel free to comment below with any comments or questions.

Understanding

When we experience a very pleasant feeling, like the feelings we have when we masturbate, we tend to crave more, and when we don't get what we crave, we suffer. Paradoxically, we also suffer when we fulfill our craving for pleasant feelings, because after the initial relief, we realize that no matter how much pleasure we fill our lives with, we never seem to have enough. All the pleasure in the world never seems to add up to real happiness. This is what has brought us to NoFap: we have discovered that no matter how much pleasure we get from masturbation, we are left feeling hollow, alienated, and enslaved. We have discovered that there is a crucial distinction between pleasure and happiness, and once we have that insight, there is no turning back.

As we practice with chastity, we also discover the insight of impermanence: our cravings, as well as the relief we get when we act on our cravings, do not last. In the NoFap community, we are learning to watch as craving arises, lingers, and fades away, and when we relapse, we watch as relief follows the same course: it arises, lingers, and fades.

So now we know that we don't want to masturbate anymore. We realize that it won't bring us true happiness, and we feel that we have become enslaved to our habit. Now, how do we cultivate the courage, determination, and strength necessary to observe the impermanence of our cravings so that we can become free?

Community

I live in a community of practitioners who, like me, practice chastity. If we have sexual relations, we are no longer a monk and must leave the community. If we masturbate, we have to confess.

To me, chastity is actually made up of a mosaic of practices, but none of them has been more helpful than sharing my experience with my brothers. Knowing that I am not alone in my difficulties, admitting my shortcomings, and receiving the love and acceptance from my community in spite of them, inspires me to continue on the path. This is why the NoFap community is important. It allows for us to share our stories, triumphs, challenges, and mistakes. It provides a forum to ask questions, receive guidance, hold one another accountable, and to offer help, love, and support.

Consumption

To live chastely, we need a clear and determined mind. We have to consume skillfully, with our mouth, yes, but also with our eyes, ears, and consciousness.

Most importantly, we have to be aware of what we consume through our eyes. In our community we try to use the internet minimally, and we spend a lot of time in nature. We avoid shows, movies, videos, books, music, and even conversations that expose us to sexual imagery or sounds. Many of us don't eat after lunch, or eat minimally in the evening. We're vegetarian, and we don't drink alcohol or use drugs.

We also practice not to lose ourselves in sexual fantasies and memories, but to return our attention to the present moment over and over again, no matter how many times our mind wanders off.

Two Dimensions of Practice

First, we have to take the long view. Mistakes, transgressions, and failures are inevitable on our path to freedom. We are attempting to transform the very energy that brought us into being, an energy that has been passed down to us from countless generations of ancestors over the course of eons. Seeds of sexual craving have been watered in us by especially by evolution, but also by our parents, role-models, friends, and culture. Transforming craving is radical work. It is the work of revolutionaries. It is not easy.

We also need short-term solutions. This is mostly what I hear discussed in these circles: pushups and cold showers. They're important when our back is against the wall, but taken independently from understanding, community, and consumption, they will not bring freedom. Nevertheless, we shouldn't discount their value, and I have received great support from exercise, especially yoga and running, from cold showers, from fasting, and from various guided sexual transmutation meditation practices I've discovered online.

Motivation

Sexual energy is just that: an energy, and a powerful one, capable of creating human life. If we are skillful, we can direct that energy toward whatever we want. We can think of our sexual energy as a superpower that we can use to create, to strengthen and support our communities, and to deepen our relationships. When we are in a sexual relationship, we tend to direct most of our love toward one person. When we are chaste, we can direct that love toward our families, our communities, and to all beings.

Many people wonder why chastity is necessary in monastic life. I can only speak from experience. Before I started practicing chastity, I suffered a lot because of my relationship to sex. I found that I was putting an incredible amount of time, energy, and resources into getting it, and when I got it, the feeling of well-being was incredibly fleeting. When I entered into a committed, loving relationship, I found that sex was a very important piece of it, more important than I cared to admit.

When we aspire to be truly happy, truly free, we have to cut ourselves off from that thing that we like the most, because we know that if we are in contact with it at all, it will enslave us. When we leave behind the aspiration of a loving relationship with someone else, we have a better chance of establishing a loving relationship with the universe. Chastity is not easy, but I have come to believe that it is actually more difficult to have a truly healthy sexual relationship. Dear brothers, whichever path you choose, whatever your aspiration, whether it is putting an end to your addiction to pornography and masturbation, a committed, loving relationship, or a lifetime of chastity, I thank you deeply for your presence on this path. I wish you the very best of luck.