A narcist mom and my fading optimism

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by ahmed_jimmie, Mar 27, 2021.

  1. ahmed_jimmie

    ahmed_jimmie Fapstronaut

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    I have heard many times how optimism helps with nofap, discipline and just anything you wanna do in life. Most importantly, it makes me think of myself highly. It has undoubtedly been the thing that has kept my spirits high during long streaks and I only realize its importance when I succumb to porn, usually out of severe stress and depression. Depression usually comes about coz of university grades and talking to my mom.
    Since my past relapses have been due to depression, I have figured out ways to deal with them. Or have I?
    My mum's of a very narcist personality who considers herself as the ultimate decision-maker for my life. Sometimes I don't understand if she's emotionally invested in me (as they say all parents are on accounts of their concern for their kids) or just trying to fulfil her desire for drama and control. This all can go on.

    I have been living away from my home for about 3 yrs now (coz of my education) but I call her every week if not every day. Every time I call her she's literally yelling at me for something or the other (last time it was about me going bald - I don't have a hair problem, just don't like keeping'em coz they are high maintenance & they grow faster than cockroaches breed). Then she complains about my attitude and on and on.

    Final & most important thing: once I'm done w/ that call, I sigh with relief. But then there's this one chemical reaction, trauma or idk what, I don't feel like I'm over w/ the stress from having to call her and listening to her ranting at me. It's like talking to her is parasitical - like my brain doesn't wanna move on. Now, this eventually leads me to watch porn and rubbing my wood (even if not MO).

    The point of all this crying is; how do I get away from this depression out of my mum's drill where she's tryna lower my perceived value which every time leads to PMO.

    P.S. I mixed up stress and depression quite a lot in this passage, it's all depression
     
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  2. ahmed_jimmie

    ahmed_jimmie Fapstronaut

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    Was almost gonna turn porn on rn, thanks goodness I wrote my thoughts out or else all this effort was in vain
     
  3. cleaningupmyact

    cleaningupmyact Fapstronaut

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    You will never be free until you limit or remove this person from your life. And once you do, things can get much better.

    There are a ton of resources for narcissist child survivors these days. Please prioritize your freedom and remove the shame, guilt, and toxicity these people put on us. The first step is creating space, getting away (glad you don't live with them).

    It's hard for us survivors to understand the sociopath mind (and that's a good thing). The answer is, it's both. Child abusers (emotional / psychological and otherwise) think their abuse = love. To them it's the exact same thing. No wonder we are always confused as sh*t. I recommend getting out of the mindset of "what do they really feel?" "What do they really mean?"
    Cause it doesn't f*king matter. They're an abusive, manipulative person that harms you. End of story. Get away.
     
  4. SaiyanWarrior

    SaiyanWarrior Fapstronaut

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    Hey be a man and tell her that you make your own decisions. It's your life man. Don't pussy out. Lover her but also don't let her get to your head, if she is being negative.
     
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  5. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    At this age, it's your birthright to be sovereign, self-decisive and self-reliant person. Your mother is emotionally immature, obviously controlling you, acting unhealthy to you, for many reasons I guess.
    Use reason and logic to click-in to your head that you have every right to live your life as you wish, otherwise you will be unhappy (you are experiencing just beginning of this unhappiness). Your mother have ZERO right to control you - this relationship have to change and you are the one to change it, your mother will never agree with your sovereignty, because she will subconsciously loose "meaning of her life". Otherwise you will be sucked down, as little boy by umbilical cord, to your mommy. Your mother is giving away from you the possibility to grown emotional maturity and to grow trust into your decisions. She probably thinks that your are still UNABLE to decide for yourself as little boy she treats you. It is called 'Mother wound' - under this link you will have more necessary information wroth checking The "Mother Wound" and Your Perpetual Unhappiness. Overcome Your Childhood Trauma - YouTube. This process is age old process of cutting the umbilical cord of unwilling mother. Myth about "Iron John" in book named the same (by John Bly) tells about it, because your are neither the first nor the last to experience this kind of difficulty in relationship with mother. Situation calls you to grow and cut off umbilical cord from your head. Otherwise, your relationships with women will not be healthy.

    Your situation is serious call to arms. If your mother is seriously narcissistic, you will probably need also a little help from psychotheraphy. But at least you have to recognize narcissistic patterns, to avoid being manipulated by anyone and to avoid being a manipulator. It's very useful skill that life forced me to taught after being subject to hardcore manipulation.

    In short - MAN UP. Otherwise you will end as in this movie:
     
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  6. Lost_forever

    Lost_forever Fapstronaut

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    Hey bro I know how you feel, my father is a narcissistic and my mother is an enabler. I've delt with depression, anxiety, and all kinds of shit my whole life, but I only recently found out the cause was my parents. I always knew my parents were bad people but I never looked deeper into how that was affecting me, until a few months ago where I finally woke up and saw all the stuff they've done to me and continue to do. After realizing what my parents were I started to distance myself from them. Unfortunately I can't move out just yet, but I've gotten to a point where their negative energy doesn't have the same effect as it did in my younger years. I have never felt so good in my life, sure I get stressed out having to live with them but I can't tell you how happy I've been, and I've definitely been seeing improvements on my streaks, I've been feeling more in control and less stress than when I was still under my parents influence. I'm still trying to unlearn what my parents hammered into my head, im still insecure, im still angry at them, but at least im making important no matter how slow I go its better than being still. I think you should cut your mom from your life. As mean, or ungrateful as that sounds its the only thing that will ensure she doesn't make you miserable anymore, because narcissistic do not change.. ever. And they don't care about their victims.. so stop being a victim anymore be a survivor, and don't let her pull you back in later, cause my parents tried to do that to me and my siblings, I didn't go with it but my siblings did, now they living the same miserable life they wanted to get away from, and they don't even want to admit it.
     
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  7. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    I wholeheartedly agree, narcissists don't care about their victims. Being honest with yourself begins with being clear with your situation, being able to accept your needs, situation and feelings. Set your boundaries, you don't need to be conflicted with parents, you just need to draw the line in your life - this is the foundation of emotional healthy life - otherwise you will repeat being subject to manipulation from narcissist personality, I guarantee you. People without boundaries and unsure about them are magnet to narcissistic manipulation, be it your future wife or boss. You have strong lesson here. Be brave, have courage ! You can do it ! Use your anger.

    Do you feel that you can get angry about your mother and clearly set your opinion in her presence that can be counter to her opinion or you feel bit of embarrassment ?
     
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  8. ahmed_jimmie

    ahmed_jimmie Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I do get frustrated w/ the stuff she says (my anger issues are partly due to that - I've had a very hard time fixing that) yet I make my own decisions which flare her off. In fact, I disconnect my call the second she goes off so that I don't pour my anger out on her (coz that's more embarrassing than putting the phone off) + I've reduced the frequency of calling her though I admit I've to lie when she inquires the reason
     
  9. Before I say anything else, I urge you to seek professional therapy. You should not have to deal with this on your own.

    First of all, it doesn't matter if your mom is a narcissist or not - you are clearly being emotionally abused. But if you are truly dealing with a narcissist, you need to understand that their ability to experience love or empathy is severely limited. I just recently found out that my dad is a narcissist, and I recognize now that he never understood or cared about my emotions. He only cared about himself and would use me and my brother as pawns for his selfish goals.

    What is important to understand is that your mom has probably suffered severe childhood trauma (you might already know about this) and her rage and attacks against others are a mechanism that was created in response to this trauma. Her abusive behavior is how she defends her ego from feelings of emotional vulnerability. She cannot control it and it isn't her fault. None of this makes her a bad person, just a damaged person. Going back to my dad's case, his father was a neglectful alchoholic who died very early, and his mother was toxic and abusive. It all makes perfect sense when you think about it for a second.

    Now, you should not feel obligated to call her or talk to her if she keeps abusing you. I recommend that you set healthy boundaries by letting her know that you will no longer talk to her if she continues to behave like this. Perhaps you could make a rule where if you have to remind her of her abusive behavior more than once in a call, you will hang up. You deserve respect and should not have to put up with any of this toxic behavior.

    You also need to understand that she will probably never change, and will never accept that her behavior is wrong. A narcissist would sooner jump over the moon before they sincerely admit they are wrong or apologize. If you tell her how you feel about the way she treats you, and she responds with "you're too sensitive," or "I'm just looking out for you," or plays the victim, or makes it all about her, then you are probably dealing with a narcissistic parent.

    Seriously, get some resources and get educated. And the best way to do that is through professional counselling.
     
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