A New Beginning...

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Never Give Up On Who You Are, Aug 18, 2021.

  1. Never Give Up On Who You Are

    Never Give Up On Who You Are New Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,

    First of all, I just wanted to express my gratitude for everyone that is on this forum. Without you, I would not be able to share my experiences with porn, and the negative effects it had on my life. Hopefully, in time, I will be able to look back and say that along with other things, this was an experience, something I had to go through and eventually overcome. I hope to have many of you by my side along this journey.

    About me:

    My name is Michael and I am 30 years old. I have been watching porn/masturbating since I was 11. That is 19 years of watching porn/masturbating on a daily basis. Until I was 22, I did not experience any negative effects of porn. If someone told me at that point that porn was harmful, I would have laughed at them. No joke, I truly believed that watching porn was normal. Despite my habit, I did not have a problem getting girls and maintaining relationships. I was confident, outgoing, and energetic. Until....

    About 8 years ago I noticed that watching regular porn was no longer interesting. I started getting into fetishes for example which in the beginning were not overly disturbing. I started watching girls with big asses, public sex videos (street sex, car, bus, whatever..), and girls from other, more exotic ethnic groups. Soon however, I found myself seeking out bukkake videos, gang bang vids and the like. Fast forward a couple of years and I became heavily involved in watching BDSM videos in which dominatrix women dominate men (spit fetish, strapon, forced bi, you name it...). I have also gotten into seeking out cam girls online which have had a dire consequence on my finances. I have spent approximately between 2 to 4 thousand dollars alone on cam girls over a matter of about 5 years).

    This is porn... Now the real disturbing stuff. Eventually porn was not enough. I am ashamed to admit, and bring this into the light, however, I started to seek out the company of escorts and prostitutes. It was something about the rush of experiencing these encounters that motivated me to engage in such behavior even though I know it is horrible and completely wrong. I have also visited a dominatrix a few times however, I was able to stay clear of the "really bad" while there even though I originally went there with the intention to go through with my fantasies which were pretty much the reenactment of what I have seen in porn videos online.

    Since the past few years, I have been living in a dream like state. I feel miserable every time I masturbate, yet I still do it daily. I am horrified of the consequences and despise my own behavior. The urges at times are so strong I can't stop myself from masturbating and the cycle repeats. I am living in a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. In the last years, I spent a horrific amount of money, lost the girl I wanted to merry, developed ED and lost my confidence completely.

    I have joined this community to seek support. To see how far I can go. To try to be better and overcome sexual addiction in order to stop my life from complete destruction. If anyone out there reading my post, please reach out. I need all the help I can get, and believe me, I would love to give you all the help I can provide.

    My journey of NoFap begins tomorrow 8/19/2021. Hope to see you all come with me.

    Michael.
     
  2. Never Give Up On Who You Are

    Never Give Up On Who You Are New Fapstronaut

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    Well,

    I am not sure if anyone will ever read these posts. So, I will use the reply function to keep track of my progress and note my feelings as I continue on my journey to not only quit watching porn and masturbation, but to also improve my life in general and to become a better person over time. Today was the very first day of my journey. I managed to wake up around 8 A.M. - I made my bed and got myself ready for a workout. Today was a "cardio only" day on which I decided to use the stair master at a local gym in my neighborhood. I climbed 163 floors (number of floors in the Burj Khalifa, Dubai). In total, I burned around 500 calories. This was a pretty nice accomplishment to start my day. After my gym session I have ran some errands and chores around the house. I find that being productive not only helps my morale, but also keeps me occupied and away from porn. I also cooked myself a healthy meal composed of organic/lean ingredients (chicken breast, pasta, avocado).

    After lunch I decided to take a little break and watched some videos on Youtube. I am very much into architecture and cars, so most of the videos I view online revolve around these topics. Well, this is when things got interesting. My mind slowly began to wonder and I started thinking about the possibility of watching porn/masturbate. I realized that my brain took up the role of my worst enemy, pretending to be my best friend. My mind calmly suggested that watching a little porn, taking a quick peek will not result in a full on relapse (I knew this was a lie and did not give in) however, I knew that if I viewed porn even for a little bit, I will eventually relapse completely. Realizing that I am fighting a losing battle over the long-run, I decided to take a trip to Miami, to an area called Wynwood Walls. This is Miami's art district. It took me about 30 minutes to get there, spent 2 hours exploring the are, and another 45 minutes to get home in the afternoon traffic. By the time I made it home to my apartment, it was already 6 P.M. The urge to watch porn subsided and I was able to continue my day without many distractions. I read 50 pages of Jordan Peterson's new book, "12 More Rules of Life" and even managed to meditate for 15 minutes after completing a short stroll around Fort Lauderdale's river-walk area.

    Overall, today was a success. I know I have won today's battle however, I am aware that the war is far from being over. I know tomorrow will bring new challenges which I am willing to face with hope and excitement.

    Best,
     
    Abel100% likes this.

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