A New Beginning...

Hi everyone,

First of all, I just wanted to express my gratitude for everyone that is on this forum. Without you, I would not be able to share my experiences with porn, and the negative effects it had on my life. Hopefully, in time, I will be able to look back and say that along with other things, this was an experience, something I had to go through and eventually overcome. I hope to have many of you by my side along this journey.

About me:

My name is Michael and I am 30 years old. I have been watching porn/masturbating since I was 11. That is 19 years of watching porn/masturbating on a daily basis. Until I was 22, I did not experience any negative effects of porn. If someone told me at that point that porn was harmful, I would have laughed at them. No joke, I truly believed that watching porn was normal. Despite my habit, I did not have a problem getting girls and maintaining relationships. I was confident, outgoing, and energetic. Until....

About 8 years ago I noticed that watching regular porn was no longer interesting. I started getting into fetishes for example which in the beginning were not overly disturbing. I started watching girls with big asses, public sex videos (street sex, car, bus, whatever..), and girls from other, more exotic ethnic groups. Soon however, I found myself seeking out bukkake videos, gang bang vids and the like. Fast forward a couple of years and I became heavily involved in watching BDSM videos in which dominatrix women dominate men (spit fetish, strapon, forced bi, you name it...). I have also gotten into seeking out cam girls online which have had a dire consequence on my finances. I have spent approximately between 2 to 4 thousand dollars alone on cam girls over a matter of about 5 years).

This is porn... Now the real disturbing stuff. Eventually porn was not enough. I am ashamed to admit, and bring this into the light, however, I started to seek out the company of escorts and prostitutes. It was something about the rush of experiencing these encounters that motivated me to engage in such behavior even though I know it is horrible and completely wrong. I have also visited a dominatrix a few times however, I was able to stay clear of the "really bad" while there even though I originally went there with the intention to go through with my fantasies which were pretty much the reenactment of what I have seen in porn videos online.

Since the past few years, I have been living in a dream like state. I feel miserable every time I masturbate, yet I still do it daily. I am horrified of the consequences and despise my own behavior. The urges at times are so strong I can't stop myself from masturbating and the cycle repeats. I am living in a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. In the last years, I spent a horrific amount of money, lost the girl I wanted to merry, developed ED and lost my confidence completely.

I have joined this community to seek support. To see how far I can go. To try to be better and overcome sexual addiction in order to stop my life from complete destruction. If anyone out there reading my post, please reach out. I need all the help I can get, and believe me, I would love to give you all the help I can provide.

My journey of NoFap begins tomorrow 8/19/2021. Hope to see you all come with me.

Michael.

 

Well,

I am not sure if anyone will ever read these posts. So, I will use the reply function to keep track of my progress and note my feelings as I continue on my journey to not only quit watching porn and masturbation, but to also improve my life in general and to become a better person over time. Today was the very first day of my journey. I managed to wake up around 8 A.M. - I made my bed and got myself ready for a workout. Today was a "cardio only" day on which I decided to use the stair master at a local gym in my neighborhood. I climbed 163 floors (number of floors in the Burj Khalifa, Dubai). In total, I burned around 500 calories. This was a pretty nice accomplishment to start my day. After my gym session I have ran some errands and chores around the house. I find that being productive not only helps my morale, but also keeps me occupied and away from porn. I also cooked myself a healthy meal composed of organic/lean ingredients (chicken breast, pasta, avocado).

After lunch I decided to take a little break and watched some videos on Youtube. I am very much into architecture and cars, so most of the videos I view online revolve around these topics. Well, this is when things got interesting. My mind slowly began to wonder and I started thinking about the possibility of watching porn/masturbate. I realized that my brain took up the role of my worst enemy, pretending to be my best friend. My mind calmly suggested that watching a little porn, taking a quick peek will not result in a full on relapse (I knew this was a lie and did not give in) however, I knew that if I viewed porn even for a little bit, I will eventually relapse completely. Realizing that I am fighting a losing battle over the long-run, I decided to take a trip to Miami, to an area called Wynwood Walls. This is Miami's art district. It took me about 30 minutes to get there, spent 2 hours exploring the are, and another 45 minutes to get home in the afternoon traffic. By the time I made it home to my apartment, it was already 6 P.M. The urge to watch porn subsided and I was able to continue my day without many distractions. I read 50 pages of Jordan Peterson's new book, "12 More Rules of Life" and even managed to meditate for 15 minutes after completing a short stroll around Fort Lauderdale's river-walk area.

Overall, today was a success. I know I have won today's battle however, I am aware that the war is far from being over. I know tomorrow will bring new challenges which I am willing to face with hope and excitement.

Best,