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A New Life... A New Me

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    I am a 30 year old male whom has had enough of bad habits. I am basically at the start here. I am 24 hrs into it. I have never ever considered writing a journal about porn, masturbation, or orgasm (PMO) until this past year. I was never against journal writing, in fact I think it's incredibly healthy, but I have always been a private individual and writing about PMO seemed too personal to me.

    I am very religious and did not actually get involved with PMO until around age 24. I know this may sound weird, but it is my reality. It seems that most people have got involved at a much younger age than I did. I consider this a blessing. I remember being in university at the time and studying psychology, biology, and anatomy and having so many questions. I never questioned the basics of sex--I understood that. But there was a lot I didn't understand. At first, I would turn to text books and science papers to answer my questions (yes, I would read science papers from The Journal of Sexual Medicine about it haha, I'm a nerd!). After a while, I started to research "sex".

    I am not married and I was not involved with anyone. I went on dates but they were never sexual--they were always innocent one time dates or casual. I was very busy with my classes at school at the time and basically didn't get too serious with anyone. Anyway, at the time I started to search topics in google for answers to various questions. At first I wasn't involved with pornography or masturbation, but over time my curiosity became my downfall as I got very deep and started looking and doing things I never thought I'd ever do. What didn't help is that I was also going through an incredibly difficult time in my life. Each of these two things together led me to fall over time. By age 26 I was looking at pornography at least 2-3 times a week. This trend has pretty much stayed for the past 4 years. I'm at a point now that I don't think there is really anything good that can come from porn--in fact I see it as a major problem. I am feeling ready to put this all past me.

    Saying all this, I will admit that in the past 4 years I have had 2 periods where I have been porn, masturbation, and orgasm free for 30+ days and multiple times where I have gone 2 weeks or so without porn, so I am not new to PMO fasting. However, after these times I have always went right back to it. It's time to get this habitual practice far from me. It's time for a new life.

    I remember what my life was like before I was 24. I remember how clear my mind was, how clear my memory was, how good I did at learning, how ambitious I was, how in shape I was, how at peace I was with myself. I can remember "feeling" much more than I do now. I have become almost to a point where I don't "feel" things like I use to. I had hard things going on in my life, but I was able to tackle those things without being disappointed in myself. I can remember that version of myself.

    I was introduced to NoFap in December of last year while I read online discussions about pornography. For around 6 years I have read books on pornography and the effects that it has on the brain. I came across the "Your Brain on Porn" website and found it fascinating. I spent a long time looking up the anatomy of the body and studying the brain, which I enjoyed immensely.

    What I have noticed in the past with myself is a few things:

    1. Each time I wrote and was consistent in writing about my experiences I was able to go 30+ days. I did that 2x and each time I was able to go over 30 days without PMO.

    2. Because I am a spiritual person, when I focus on getting myself on the right track with God--be that praying, reading scriptures, forgiving myself, changing my mind and behaviors (repentance), or meditating I am able to find peace and strength to keep going.

    3. When I exercise and eat right I feel better long term--although sometimes when I exercise testosterone flows and it can sometimes get difficult in a moment. I haven't figured out how to fix that, I just try and focus on something else and avoid my triggers in those moments.

    4. When I stay busy I have found that I am far less likely to do anything related to PMO. When I have extended periods of vacation, leisure, or play things tend to get harder.

    5. When I make an effort to be around people I have found I am safer. We are all a mix between introvert and extrovert, but I tend to lean more on the introvert side. The problem with this is that when I am alone I tend to find myself far more vulnerable. It helps to make an effort to be around friends.

    6. Over the past 3 months I have focused my studying on "Happiness". I recommend "The Happiness Advantage" as a book to read for anyone who is interested in this. I also recommend "7 Habits of Highly Effective People". As I have studied about it and applied the things I have studied I have noticed that my personal happiness, motivation, and ambition has increased. These things have helped me to get closer to doing things that I never thought I would--like writing on this website.

    7. I have trigger times of the day. I actually got a lock safe that is controlled on a timer. Since I live by myself I lock my phone and computer in that safe at night from 10-3 AM (though I missed it tonight). This safe is unlocked with a combo, but it cannot be unlocked with the combo during those time frames. The safe can be programmed on a schedule if I want--though I haven't truly utilized any of that yet. This is a new one for me, I just started using it. I haven't found any good internet programs that will block porn in a way that is successful for a SINGLE guy living on his own. I know all the passwords and how to get around it all haha! Anyway, the keys to this safe are the only way to open it during that time. For me, 80% of my PMO has been around the 10-3AM time frame. This is a strategy to help me not even be able to access it if I wanted. The downside to this is I can't get a call between 10 and 3 and also if I forget to put the phone and computer in the safe by 10 I can't really get it open unless I get one of the keys. I have been thinking of hooking up my apple watch series 3 so that I can use my watch if I need to for calls during those times. Either way, this is all a new idea to me I'm working with it.

    8. I have trigger areas. I have decided that I am not allowed to bring my phone in certain places. Two places being the bathroom or my room. I have noticed that 98% of my PMO was in one of those two places. I leave my phone in either the lock box safe or another room far away from my sleeping if I forget to put my phone in the box. I actually had to get an alarm clock that I could tolerate because my phone was my alarm clock haha!

    For the sake of my life, I need to do this. I remember when I was on my last 30 days without PMO--the last one was in December of last year when I started reading on this site--how good I felt. I remember the peace I started feeling and the confidence I started feeling. I remember feeling a sense of internal peace and motivation. I can remember so well how that felt. I want it again. I want that back!

    I have decided to write here about my thoughts and feelings because I realize that we are really in this battle together. We need accountability partners. We need communities and we need each other--probably more than we realize.

    I don't think I will write here every day, because I am very busy. But I would like to make writing on here a more regular thing. Who knows... maybe someone else can benefit from all this too. :)...
     
  2. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Journal:

    Day 2

    Not a lot to report today. I didn't have any desire toward any PMO. I attribute that to my busy day as I will discuss below. As I was thinking today I asked myself "Where will you be in 3 months from now?" How will that feel?

    In response to those questions I like to have faith that I will feel amazing. I have noticed that the farther away I get from porn the happier I am as an individual. I am looking back at the time I've spent over the last 6 years being in this stuff... and I realize the amount of time I've wasted is huge. There is so much more I can do and be. I believe to some degree that my overcoming porn is a necessary step in my progression. It's time to move onwards and forwards.

    What has worked today?

    Today I focused my day on work--and studying on how I can do better at my job. My focus has been stuck on those things. I was very busy today, which I believe helped me a lot. Another thing that has helped me a lot is Facetiming friends. I was able to keep in contact with a friend today that helped me focus on other things.

    Things I can do tomorrow?

    I did not work out or focus on my spirituality at all today, but I intend to do some meditating, prayer, and scripture study more than I do now. I would like to make more of an effort to do these things. I believe that these things will be very beneficial to me as I continue moving forward as I mentioned in my post yesterday.

    I did not exericise today, but I intend to tomorrow.

    I would like to keep my mind active by learning new things. Right now that thing is either work related or about the topic of "Happiness" and I would like to continue researching those things.
     
  3. 33ctf6m8pdpq

    33ctf6m8pdpq Fapstronaut

    I dig your energy and intellect. I can already tell you're going to be a positive force in this community. Looking forward to learning and working with you as we embark on this journey as a community. Welcome!
     
    XYZ26 likes this.
  4. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much!! I look forward to helping out where I can! I am pumped to step out of my own personal shadows and try and be a positive force where I can! I also appreciate that you would write to me and reach out. I hope you are doing well in your journey as well! I'm feeling super excited to move forward and finally be the person I know I am inside--the version of me that is not defined by an hour of screw ups several times a week.
     
    33ctf6m8pdpq likes this.
  5. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Journal

    Day 3

    One of the biggest helps for me has been writing on these boards the past couple of days. To be honest, my usual desire for PMO starts on day 3 and having a place where I can write where people have an opportunity to see is actually quite exciting and has sparked something in me that is very positive. It kinda gives me an opportunity to be accountable not just to myself but to those who end up reading about what I am doing. I believe we are all in this kinda battle together and we need each others support. We need to see each other succeed. It helps us when we feel like we aren't progressing anywhere. To me, this has helped alleviate the desire for any PMO today. I have not felt any of it--although I have had thoughts that I realized I had to guard against--I will discuss this a bit below.

    I have never been much of an online writer. I was always the guys who had Facebook but never really did much on it. I just kinda saw how people were and occasionally would reach out and say hi. I've always been quite introverted--and a deep thinker.

    One thought I've had today was "In 90 days from now, in 1 year from now, in 20 years from now... what would my future self say to me? Will he congratulate me for finally putting this habit to bed? Or will he wish he had?" I don't think I understand what that will be like or if I fully understand, but I hope he is pleased. I was with a personal trainer a few years ago working out and one thing he kept saying to me when I was tired--with 30 mins left of our workout--was "what are you going to be doing in 30 minutes from now?" I would usually reply with something sarcastic like "I'm gonna be resting" and he would laugh and say "you're going to be pumped that you finished your work out... and pleased with yourself". I kinda hope I can say that about this as well.

    Things I did today that really helped me:

    1. I was busy with work today. I focused on studying my job more and finding satisfaction in my work. I actually studied for an extra hour tonight to help me understand things better. I really like my job, but it is one that I am constantly learning and being challenged in. I am using that challenge to stay busy during the day.

    2. I live alone, so I'm trying to limit the amount of "boredom" I have--which is a trigger for me. When I got home from work I went right to the gym and ran for 15 mins and then walked for 15 mins. This actually felt amazing. I made a goal to continue to work out and exercise everyday for a few minutes if I can. I don't necessarily have faith that I will do this every day, but I want to make a more diligent effort to accomplish this.

    3. I read my scriptures and prayed today. I am reading out of Matthew right now from the New Testament. I find that my spiritual life increases, my personal life is better, and my days go better when I read the scriptures and start my day with a prayer. I am thinking I will try and incorporate my scripture study to the beginning of the day as well so that I can stat my days off right. I think I need to start a good morning routine. This is hard for a night owl like me. I think if I can start my day off with exercise, prayers, and good eating I will be in good shape to start each day the way I need to.

    Things I've noticed that could cause problems

    1. I noticed when I was working out that when I was listening to apple music, the station that I created from a song I like had a lot of songs that had lyrics that were sexual. I know that many songs do, but this time I was noticing it more. I realized that listening to music can be a trigger for me. I quickly changed the song to a Hans Zimmer playlist and was able to avoid that trigger.

    2. I stayed up late yesterday so I was very tired today. A lot of times fatigue has been enough to let me get my guard down. I don't want to do that tonight. I intend to get to bed much earlier. The only problem this might lead to is an unexpected morning where I wake up with desire for PMO, which does happen in the mornings for me sometimes. I think if this happens I just need to get up and start doing something--prayer, exercise, or meditation. I just can't let myself stay in the state of stupor--I need to stay busy and focus on something else. I dunno if this will work for sure, but that's what I'm gonna try for.

    That's all for today!
     
    dboy18, N0M0RENasty and 33ctf6m8pdpq like this.
  6. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Journal: This journal is definitely a benefit to me. This gives me something to look forward to. At the moment, it's a motivation to me to avoid PMO.

    Day 4

    I've been doing my best to focus on things around me. I have been keeping busy and trying to avoid the "triggers". Some things that I have been doing is (1) avoiding long showers, (2) keeping my phone out of the bathroom and my room at night time--the two places I have typically PMO'd. I feel pretty good at the moment.

    I had a late night last night, so I did not get to write anything on this.

    So yesterday I worked 8-5, but when I came home I drove a couple hours to my parents house. We talked for a few hours and then we went to a movie and when it was done we didn't get home till late. I was basically too exhausted to even think about PMO haha!

    It's the morning of Day 5 and so far so good. That being said, I'm not assuming it will stay as it has been so far. I hope that when things get hard I can stay the course. I am hoping that things can stay as mild as possible for as long as possible. I will do my best to try and keep my mind in this state. I believe that is something that I can only do so far. That's where I will need God's help through all this.
     
  7. N0M0RENasty

    N0M0RENasty Fapstronaut

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    How many songs are in the Hans Zimmer playlist you listen to?
     
  8. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    I just went on Apple Music and searched "Hans Zimmer". When a bunch of songs came up I just clicked on the first one and it kinda just went through his songs and played them. I loved it! I am not sure exactly how many songs there were, but I really had a good time listening.
     
  9. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Journal Day 5

    Today was a good day! As soon as I got up I ate a little breakfast and then went right to the gym. When I was finished there I came home and had lunch with my mom and my girlfriend. I spent most of today with my girlfriend, whom is Christian and (like me) will not have sex before marriage. To be honest, because we have the same values it's a lot easier to date her and avoid PMO. We had a very good day!
     
  10. N0M0RENasty

    N0M0RENasty Fapstronaut

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    If you have Spotify, which is free to download on your smartphone or device that it is compatible with, you can find my Hans Zimmer playlist of a little over 70 songs. Just let me know if you're interested and I'll tell you what profile it's under. By the way, glad to know someone likes Hans Zimmer's music like me.
     
  11. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Journal Day 6

    Today was a good day! I find that keeping busy is the best way to keep my mind off everything PMO. I got up and went right for a run--mostly a slower jog pace, but it was very fun to me. It was actually a mud run with obstacles and such. It was pretty awesome. After that I just spent most of the day with family and my girl friend. Overall, today was a good day!

    I didn't really have any desire for PMO today or anything like it.
     
  12. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    I have been meaning to try Spotify for a while. I just downloaded it. I'd love to look up the playlist.
     
  13. N0M0RENasty

    N0M0RENasty Fapstronaut

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  14. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Journal: Starting the Tracker Again with a New Goal

    Day 7

    I am going to start over my count as of yesterday night. I did not look at porn or masturbate, but as I was with my girlfriend we started making out for a while and I had an orgasm. She didn't know it happened and I was actually surprised that it happened. But I figured I would start over. I want to say as well that we were not grinding or doing anything like that and we did not touch each other in our private parts. We were, however, making out pretty passionately.

    As much as I hate to admit it, I think I'm going to have to start over. I don't feel super bad--to be honest. My major goal with this whole thing is not necessarily to avoid orgasm (someday I'll be married). My major goal is to avoid pornography and masturbation. That is my actual goal through all this and I feel like I'm still on track for those things.

    However, I'm going to start my tracker over again because I don't feel that I made that clear in my other posts previously. I used the term PMO quite a bit, but I think I'll use the term PM from now on. I am pretty much going to continue the same strategies that I have been using.

    As for desire for PM, I didn't actually have any yesterday.

    So I'm gonna start my timer over again with this new goal of avoiding porn and masturbation (PM). Avoiding orgasms will come by default I believe for the majority of days, however there may be times when I am not expecting a nocturnal emission (I wouldn't want to reset my timer because of that) and there may be unexpected times with my girlfriend where excitement just shoots up and it happens pretty unexpectedly in a way that I'm not prepared to calm things down (I wouldn't want to reset my timer over that either). We will see how it goes! As I move forward in this, I may change it back to PMO if I feel that its the better option.
     
  15. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Day 1

    A couple of things have been on my mind today. Overall, I haven't really had any desire for PM. Today was a fairly easy day with regards to that. However, I've found myself always being busy doing something. I am not spending my time idling. This leads me to a couple of my thoughts.

    1. Netflix. When I take an honest inventory of my actions and I see what has led me to be unproductive I see NETFLIX in bright red letters. When I was in university before I ever got into porn or masturbation I made the decision to subscribe to Netflix. It was that semester of school that I started to see my grades slip. It was also around this time that I started experimenting more than I ever thought I would on masturbation and later porn. I'm not saying Netflix was the cause of my problems--I'd been thinking about it for a little while before I subscribed to netflix and I was still fairly productive in school, but I also spent a lot more time watching movies, tv shows, etc. It was at this point that I started to see my productivity slip. I think being idle was a good way of inviting masturbation and porn in my life.

    2. Smartphones. As powerful as they are and as awesome as it is to have information and communication at my fingertips it's also around the same time I got a smartphone that my productivity started decreasing a lot. I noticed that when I got a smartphone my life became less productive. I started spending time on social media more and getting caught up with searching google for everything I ever wanted and more--including porn.

    Those two thoughts just show me how I need to control the amount of time I spend using technology and not let technology control me. Both of those things are amazing (Netflix and Smartphones) and I have no intention of getting rid of either, but I am very aware of how overusing these two things can bring me down. I have seen this pattern and unfortunately, for quite a few years here I have a lot of wasted time. This is one of the biggest changes I'm trying to make in my life. So far it has been successful. I do not want to relent on this though.

    My experience is that when I think I'm "doing well" I tend to fall apart and break. For me, I am happy to prove to myself that I can do this. To me that means I need to stay aware and focused of my life. It means I need to do things even when I don't feel like doing them.

    I am constantly asking myself "How bad do I want to be free of this?" I wonder sometimes "Do I want this more than I want the temporary good feelings of porn or masturbation?" How bad do I want this? Do I want to be free of this more than I want leisure and rest?

    To keep myself motivated, I tend to ask myself these questions when I need to go work out or be productive when I really don't want to. Do I want rest more than I want to exercise and be fit? In all this I am not advocating doing too much and doing more than we can handle. I believe in balance. I just find in my life I tend to side with leisure more than most things--I'm trying to change that.

    I wish the best for all! Good luck everyone!
     
  16. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Journal: Day 2

    Much of my day was spent at work. However, I changed things up today a little. I got up super early in the morning and went to the gym and exercised for about 50 mins. Then I came home and scripture studied for a bit. After this I ate some breakfast and then went to work.

    When I got home from work I was my usual tired self, but I also was able to feel okay because I had already worked out and studied my scriptures. I liked doing this today, but it's hard to keep it up since I'm not usually a morning person. Anyway, I am gonna keep trying this. I'm off to bed tonight.

    I hope the best for everyone in their efforts!
     
  17. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Journal: Day 3

    I had a very similar day today as I did yesterday! I had the same morning routine. Finished work around 5. When I came home I was exhausted so I watched a movie and had a little nap. It hasn't been too crazy of a day.

    I haven't had any real desire for porn or masturbation at all. I haven't for a while. I'm happy about this, but I expect it to come back, so I am trying to avoid my triggers and just be productive.
     
  18. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    Journal: Start over today

    It's been a little while since I've written on here. I got out of my routines and basically just got slipped up today and watched some things I shouldn't have. Time to regroup and start again!
     
  19. XYZ26

    XYZ26 Fapstronaut

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    I had a relapse last night very briefly, but I am going to restart. I am not frustrated because I believe I am making good progress, but I am still going to continue to push forward! I appreciate that even though I was weak yesterday night, I am able to feel that I am able to do this! Time to move forwards!
     
    Dev47b and N0M0RENasty like this.
  20. N0M0RENasty

    N0M0RENasty Fapstronaut

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    Good luck, man. I hope you continue your progress without frustration.
     
    XYZ26 likes this.

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