A New Life....Maybe

Hello Everyone,

First of all, it feels great that this kind of forum exists. I was really astonished to hear that this came into existence and so many people are having issues with PM.I really hoped that i knew about this long time back, so that i could have ceased to tread down the destructive path i have been for so many years. Nevertheless, as they say, better late than never. So let's brief you about what has happened so far to me so that i could get some insight from you folks as well as might provide you some information. I have spaced it out evenly so that you can get a caricature of of the story..

The Beginning

I am a reserved guy...always have been so..borderline introvert if you may say.I have been very selective about friends since childhood. . I was never the popular guy in college or the bright kid in school. Above average, never brilliant...ever.I was never the tough kid , courtesy a major high-grade fever when i was about 6 months or so, luckily i survived,thereby i could never excel in sports, or even if i participated...i failed miserably, well others will never try to ascertain the reason, anyways was pictured as a feeble kid.
So most of my days were spent with myself, with a handful of friends at play sometimes . So when puberty hit me, It was something which slowly started to occupy the me-time i used to have.Quickly it became one of my favorite pastimes as i literally sneaked out time and opportunity to pleasure myself.....ah memorable days ..but i was actually embarking on a negative journey..little did i know..no guidance


The Middle age

This is going to be a bit long...so you gotta hold on to your patience

Trust me on this...i was at my max best of fapping when i entered college, the material was easily available with the internet at almost every home, all you need is time to be alone..With the frequency of fap surging...my grades began to downsize...as my concentration levels went down.Even though , I rarely socialized but whenever it happened, i tried to bail out. So social interactions were a bare minimum. I could barely befriend a girl i liked in my college....anyways there was a dearth there and plenty in line to catch her...

Nevertheless, I managed to get myself a decent job which i am currently working in as well. However as time passed and in the corporate field, you have to interact with people, so you can say by coercion and chance, I did manage to break that social anxiety as well.Even I did came across a girl i liked but things were not the other way round so it ended up pretty badly for me.... And thus with the heartbreak,led to the onset of depression. To ease it out , I still remember, the only solace for me, like many of us, cigarettes,alcohol and PMO. It was one of the lowest phase i had, It was terrible to remain awake at night, thinking, so i resorted to the above three, often, so that i could sleep. Now in retrospect, i do regret what terrible mistake i had done to myself in order to ease my pain and not face the truth...


It took me some years before i was out of the aforementioned items which aided me to live,because they say with time, everything eases out.I joined some social dance clubs and then after quite a long time, i did fell for someone again...giving myself another chance.. but unfortunate as it might be..i was duped this time.. like they say....not everyone is actually looking for love, some don't need or even value it....never-mind its another story..some other time, but it still devastated me big time...to the verge of contemplating to end this life as well....but some things again came to the rescue...the flickering cigarettes, the drops of alcohol and of course the visual pleasure shelter...


The Present

They say wisdom comes with experience and time , truly it does. Wreaking havoc on yourself is the worst kind of self-harm. Human instinctive feature is to look for shortcuts to happiness, easier and quicker ways to relieve oneself.It takes a lot of courage, my friend to actually take on the harder task. With much deliberation, I do have eradicated my addiction to drinking and smoking (although i do drink/smoke occasionally at parties, but that is by choice...not seeking out of helplessness like earlier) a year back or so.Yesterday i failed my noFap resolution 2nd time which i started 6 days back,as i relapsed but it is a start at-least. Well you may think about the reason, well wrecking havoc on myself, just see the list for yourself what is left :

a.NUD/IBS
b.lower back pain
c.prostatitis ( cpps probably as 2 urologists have claimed...as tests came negative)
d.concentration loss
e.tiredness / fatigue
f.blurred vision
g.hairfall
h.cramps and joint pain
i.sleep apnea

Well symptoms b to i comes with PMO and after a few days gap, it goes away, i did observe that.I also did observe that the energy is better on a day much further spaced out from the day of fap, but since i resorted back to seek pleasure, it came back on.

Today, i'm a 28 single male, with a body full of issues,an uninteresting job, no one with whom i can possibly trust and tell my problems, a life with not much to offer with the skills i have so far and damage i have done to myself. But i do have a lot of hope and experience so far.It took me a lot of time to understand why i was resorting to PMO to seek an escape route for my loneliness, the setbacks and hardships i have faced in my life...my shelter of solace...it appears to be a friend...but trust me it isn't...it's one of those disguised ones...the one who doesn't offer you the truth. ..i am slowly trying to unravel the truth about this life...the truth although bitter requires acceptance..when you accept it..you will find correct way to deal with it...and not resort to false comfort..

I am planning for a hard reboot for 90 days, but to keep things going steady, i do have to cut down a lot of online things which lead to PMO. In fact i might also do a cut down on the social interactions with the opposite sex which could possibly lead to dating ...as it might lead to relapse which again will lead to a restart.

Meanwhile i do have developed a flair for music as i am learning the guitar and getting back my dancing shoes on as well once i start to feel more energetic.Being alone can sometimes prove to be worthwhile if you spend it wisely. Keeping oneself occupied is the best way to avoid distraction.

We all are in the same boat friends, just a little bit here and there makes a difference in our stories, each one of us are struggling in our own ways, I once questioned myself , why am i even alive even after all this... i do not posses anything extraordinary....but i do sense there is a higher purpose in all this...i do not know now..but will later..

Love,
Mr. Imperfect

 

Thankyou @Septimus and @Bustednut
It's been only 2 days for me and as far as i have seen, till the 5th/6th day, the urges are quite controllable,besides i'm busy at work.It's only during the weekend that i have the inclination to pleasure myself...the reason mostly being not occupied with work..so i would try to indulge myself in some activity which interests me.

Meanwhile i also have to deal with prostatitis which sets in/out often. Any good thread where its discussed with solid information?..else i will open one...

Will come back to post once i deal with this 5th/6th day dilemma....

 

Ok so i had a PMO on the 6th day now 2 weeks without PMO...good going !!

 

Hi @StopTheMusic

Thank you so much for your thoughts on this.
I am really doing well here on the end of this 3rd week and hopeful to stay on track.
I do often check the forums and have gained a lot of insight on this problem we are facing and at the same time, trying to provide as much as information from end,.It is really amazing to see how each one of us are helping each other in some way or the other over here

As for staying on track, I have myself devised some ways to keep myself focused and its really wonderful to see how productive we can be when the unnecessary things are not keeping us occupied.

Thank you once again for sharing your thoughts. Glad to be here !!!

Peace,
Mr.Imperfect

 

Hi @StopTheMusic ,

After much deliberation, I have finally started my journal.
Hoping to stay on track !!