A new record, and an experience.

I'm doing PMO - hard mode: today I've hit day 16, and the most I've done before was 14. This is worth celebration in itself, as is the fact that I'm feeling much stronger with it than before, and I'm feeling benefits. I'm having a difficult day today, but that's OK.

The experience I had last night was pretty incredible. I had the most amazing sex dream. I know that this can upset some, as they see it as some kind of relapse or problem. For me it isn't an issue: NoFap for me is intention, and as dreams are out of your control (intentional lucid dreaming notwithstanding), this is a natural event.

I generally have intense, odd and abstract dreams, and rarely have sex dreams. If I do they almost always end up not quite getting there and/or having some kind of weirdness / darkness that makes it not very sexy. Last night was very different. The sex part did have some non-sex run up but once into it, was amazing. Beautiful, erotic, and with a sensational woman who I dreamt having a real, close connection with. It was so real and immersive that when I began to wake, I actually felt a sense of loss, almost grief that my lover was leaving. As barking mad as it sounds, I feel like I miss her.

This could be coincidence. It could be that I've recently started taking a very small dose of melatonin occasionally to help me drop off when I'm feeling a little wired, and I take ZMA at nighttime as a night-time recovery supplement for physical training. I don't think so though; this felt deep and emotional, almost spiritual, and was almost unprecedented.

I didn't begin NoFap for any emotional reasons, but when I think of the depths that can be touched by this process, it may become evident how much I'm being rewired in very profound ways. My hope is that this is the beginning of re-connection, a process of me finding who I am and what I want. My musings over the course of the day have made me realise how far I've strayed from that necessary understanding and self-development. Maybe this is my mind telling me how much I have been numbing myself.

I'm happy to say that I feel positive about this, as heavy as it feels. I also hope that it's not the first and last; it was my most enjoyable sexual experience for a long time.