Yesterday, I saw a documentary by Louis Theroux. I think it's spelled that way? Anyway, this woman who struggled with eating disorder, said she wanted to 'stay a child' and 'not grow up'. This played a big part in her struggle with eating disorder. She wanted something that 'kept her down or busy' so she would be somehow excused from having to behave like an adult. I already came to realize lately, that my own depression also contains a big element like this. If I could choose, I would just do 'nothing' all day, play some video games, no real obligations, pick up drawing again whenever you get an impulse, or develop games without the immediate pressure of it having to generate money in order to help pay the bills. I wouldn't call myself lazy. It's just that I hate the fact that you're being forced into a life where you are obligated to work. Ofcourse, you can become a bum, and live on the streets. But that's not an actual choice, very few people want that. So in my opinion, you DON'T have a choice. You HAVE to work in order to live a reasonably good life, not to mention have a family. I think I secretely hoped for the last years, when I've actually gotten a lot better, I would also be excused somehow from having to work. Now being on a benefit is ofcourse also not the best life, especially since it's very low ($). I think that I somehow, unconsciously fed my depression with negativity, thus keeping it in place with the hopes of being 'relieved' by not having to work anymore. Now before you reply, I don't mean to say that people who suffer from depression like myself are all faking it. Depression is very real. I'm just saying, that in my OWN current case, I noticed that I deliberately kept it going for a big part in order to obtain 'freedom'. So perhaps it might be the same case for you.