A new way to relapse. Dating Apps.

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Nov 3, 2018.

  1. Hello everybody. I'll start with a prelude: I am a good-looking guy and have a few other things going for me. No, I'm not trying to be narcissistic, this is important within the context of my story. I have always thought that I should be aiming higher when it comes to girls (I do get "laid" every once in a while, but they're never/very rarely 8s or 9s). Please don't cringe yet. I have also been using Tinder for a while, with a low to moderate success rate. But seeing profiles of hot girls on the app and not getting a response from them really messes with my head. Apart from that, if you live in a big city (as I currently do) you are surrounded by images of extremely attractive women. That is something that I find very frustrating. Everywhere you go there are sexual stimuli and the privacy of your own home does not save you (especially if you are using dating apps).

    Now, I've been on NoFap successfully for about a month (it will be thirty days this Tuesday if I am correct). And I do have an outlet for all of my energy: I am a competitive athlete + a masters student. Yet I still manage to behave like an idiot and potentially engage in risky sexual behaviors. I'll elaborate: like all of us, at times I struggle to keep the thoughts about sex away and since my libido is through the roof (as you would expect from a 21 y.o.) I have potentially contemplated having sex with a transwoman/man. It is quick and easy. No, I am not attracted to men, yet I think that watching porn for years might have made my fantasies more extreme and unhealthy (from a heterosexual's perspective). This type of sex requires way less effort than getting a girl - a quick hook up is just several sentences and several pictures away.

    So I have been installing Grindr, searching for potential partners, sending over my photos (which is the dumbest thing imaginable if you value your reputation) and then deleting the app without meeting anyone. By the time that my trip to the land of sodomy would end, I'd gaze at the watch to find out that I have irredeemably lost an hour or more of my life. And in the same manner, I have spent this very evening.

    Like I've mentioned above, I did not watch porn, neither did I masturbate, nor had an orgasm. But every time such a thing would happen (installing Grindr and looking for fast sex with any creature that resembles a human, then shamefully deleting the app) I would feel a sense of defeat. I guess there're just plenty of other addictions and relapses that I will have to overcome, not just the ones that NoFap is concerned with.

    There's no point to this mini-essay but to share my thoughts and feelings this ugly night. And much appreciation to anyone who gives it time, reads it and maybe even responds to it.

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2018
  2. MusicMakingMonk

    MusicMakingMonk Fapstronaut

    Only advice I can give you is uninstall all those apps. Are dating apps really worth your time? Sounds like you have a busy life that might land you in a very favorable future, a future a real woman would love to share with you.
    I hold the belief that women on dating apps are almost always awful, and looking for a quick fix, and are nothing more then eye candy. Might be a wrong believe, or a generalization that does not always hold true (most likely this), but I think if you keep doing your thing, and achieve succes, you'll get yourself a nice lady who wants something on the long term within no time.
  3. fan_of_all_might

    fan_of_all_might Fapstronaut

    Hey bro. I understand how you feel. We all want some connection, and especially when we're rebooting. I'll be totally honest and say I've installed all the apps, tinder, grindrr, hinge, tan tan, ok cupid blah blah blah. And I would say largely they are a waste of time. Honestly the ratio of meeting girls to messaging on these apps are REALLY skewed. The worst part is that I have met great girls off there and that's what keeps me going back. I think if you're rebooting you should absolutely not fuck with these apps. Your brain will get triggered from the slot machine validation of these apps. Your brain will get horny for these girls and then realize it can't have them. Grindr is even more nuts because guys have 0 standards haha. So they will actually meet you. I haven't done that yet and realize I go on there completely for validation alone. These apps really do fuck with your head and I really think we all need to stay off them. That time should be invested in meeting real world people, men and women. You will feel much better about yourself and well rounded when you actually meet a girl.
    T&GR, CH3RRY and Deleted Account like this.
  4. Yeah, thank you guys. It seems like deleting them would be the best idea. Without Tinder I should be able to refrain from falling into the rabbit hole of quick-intercourse-seeking. The only reason that I have stayed on the app was the fact that at least half or even most of the 'connections' I made were through Tinder. Now I don't want this to spiral into a discussion of whether one should stick to one partner or a certain level of promiscuity is ok. I do not know the answer myself and I have also made a decision not to engage in a long-term relationship a while ago. Switching completely to meeting girls in real life should not be a problem; I've dealt with a fair share of rejections and I am sure that I would be able to deal with more. c:

    Or, perhaps, putting the thought of finding partners for meaningless encounters aside for now. Until the 60 day mark, at least. Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate!
  5. Sardonic

    Sardonic Fapstronaut

    I installed a couple of dating apps on my phone in October last year. POF was full of bots, but I kept it for ages. I only got 4 matches on Tinder but none replied. I deleted both a couple of months ago but recently deleted Facebook and redownloaded Tinder instead. So far 1 match no reply. For me, personally, I use the apps as a way to say "well, at least I'm trying" whilst being fully aware that there is a lot of stuff I need to work on in myself. Swiping in the meantime won't do any harm in my opinion.
  6. Maybe it won’t. As for me, being there already means that I’m preoccupied with the idea of seeking sex. So for some it’s an easy pathway for relapsing, if we’re concerned with abstaining from porn/masturbation/orgasming.

    I think you will find someone there, and it might even be a meaningful connection, despite the fact that most of the people there aren’t the “long-term” material. The other question is whether you want something serious or not. If you don’t, then prepare to spend a good portion of your daily life swiping left/right and trying to lure girls out for a coffee date. For me, seeking new partners there was like a part-time job. It takes effort and consistency. And it makes you feel bad on top of that. So I guess you can use it seldomly (while traveling, for example) but not on an everyday basis.

    I also stopped using social networks a while ago - a smart choice for sure, but it left a hole which Tinder filled in. So that might’ve been a part of the problem.
    Sardonic likes this.
  7. I did the same thing again. Being a hypocrite I am, I advised people on the forums not to use dating apps while downloading tinder again. While I did get quite a few matches over a relatively short period of time, it would have been impossible to meet anyone this night, so I turned to a more sinister activity: reinstalled grindr and started searching for transwomen/transsexuals. And instead of going to bed early as I have planned I traded the valueable hours of sleep for a familiar sense of defeat and humiliation. It took me several hours to get back to reality and now I decided to type it all up here. Just like the previous times, I have not orgasmed or masturbated yet I do feel like I have failed myself.

    In addition to all the observations that are mentioned in the previous posts I would note that when analyzing these 'quick-sex seeking' and dating app related experiences, it almost seems as if some other person, whom I cannot control in the slightest, takes the steering wheel in my head and the 'regular me' sort of falls into an autopilot/observer mode. Now I might be overdramatizing these occurrences but I cannot shake off the feeling that there's a mild form of schizophrenia involved: the 'lustful me' vs my normal state. And the switch between the two is very quick; you let your guard down for a second and you're already in the passenger seat.

    I guess no new conclusions can be drawn out from this evening/night yet this latest instance of tinder/grindr use does stress the importance of keeping my mind in check and not letting this other, harmful side of me to manifest again.
  8. MusicMakingMonk

    MusicMakingMonk Fapstronaut

    Maybe resict internet acces or app installing priviliges on your phone for a while. It might break this whole behavior long enough so that it won't come back.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. I'm gonna throw you a bone here pal as a looooooooooong time chat fiend who has had many issues with the various platforms and quitting them. I have also watched porn for over 15 years in some way shape or form amd up until recently was addicted as fuck.I have also experienced the addictive nature of chat apps for a number of years.

    The reason you are feeling like shit after using Grindr is you are a) probably not gay and b) addicted to chat apps.

    Although you haven't orgasmed, sent nudes and fapped endlessly whilst using those apps you have searched endlessly on them and engaged with people on them.

    My psychologist told me that chat apps are exactly like playing slot / gaming or pokie machines. You insert cash (time and effort) and play the game (seeking hookups). You might win. You might lose you might break even. You eventually browse until you get a hit (small win) you keep playing. You get two replies back from matches and one of them wants a fuck (jackpot) you participate in the activity (cashout). Yoy enjoy the dopamine hit and go back for more.

    The point is chat can be EVERY bit as addictive as normal porn if not more.

    Another observation too if I may - from what you are saying you seem to identify as hetro and you use Grindr for some transwoman action. Now if you are bi or homosexual or even curious that might be ok for you but I am guessing that it is NOT your first preference. If you get off those apps and participate in a reboot your tastes will probably become more vanilla.

    All the best man.
  10. Many thanks, I agree. But it will take some time for sure. I am already a month in and even though the effects wear off, I do give in sometimes. And since porn is not an option, using dating apps and seeking a quick hook-up became a perverted substitute. I had a similar experience when quitting social media - I just started spending more time on YouTube and, as I have already mentioned, on Tinder. So unless I add 'abstaining from dating apps' to the PMO challenge, the problem will not get solved.
  11. Sounds like you might need to add it to your reboot. Not much use substituting one vice for another. You'll find your path but the aim of thr game (at least for me anyway) is to be free of all this shit
    Deleted Account likes this.
  12. Sardonic

    Sardonic Fapstronaut

    Its funny I came back to this thread and since my last post not only have I had another match on Tinder but I exchanged "Hi!"s with some girl. That was it. Now I'm back to being on the fence about dating apps. Part of me says "Stick with Tinder and you just might lose your virginity" and part of me says "delete it and focus on yourself" Equally valid points.
  13. MusicMakingMonk

    MusicMakingMonk Fapstronaut

    They're not equally valid at all.
    What's the point of losing your virginity? Truly ask yourself this, what do you actually get out of that besides knowing what sex is like, and no longer carrying the tag of "virgin", which is nothing to be ashamed of in the first place. Not really anything.
    Especially not if it's just a hookup, the first time I had sex was with this girl after a party that I didn't even very much like. But I was stoned, and tipsy, and 16 years old and also a virgin so I thought why the hell not.
    Later in life, when I got my first real girlfriend I kind of regretted it. The first time I had sexy was just this quick, dirty thing, with no real love involved at all. Then when I had sex with that girlfriend it was like "oh, so this is what it's really about huh?". Now I don't really regret things in life, life is too short to spend time regretting mistakes you've made, but it was a mistake, and if I can pass on the lesson that it's worth the wait to find someone you truly love to have your first sexual experience with, then I will.
    Focusing on self improvement, getting stronger, smarter and wiser. Finding your purpose, your drive your ambition and pursueing that, instead of spending time and energy on some arbitrary loss of a label, is definitely worth it.

    Not telling you what to do. But consider what I said and give it some real thought.
    Good luck on your journey man!
  14. Hey everyone. It’s gotten a lot better. No dating apps - no pathway fot this behavior (or, if I’ll be a little more dramatic, another “me”) to materialize again. It hasn’t been long though but I already feel like I was freed from something powerful. So, like I’ve previously said, I believe that avoiding Tinder-like apps should be a part of “no PMO” package. Anyone who’s embarking on this journey should at least take a note of that.

    I’ve also passed a thirty day mark without porn, orgasms or masturbation. And it feels slightly different at this point. Urges are coming back, especially in the morning, but judging from my previous fapstronaut streak, they’ll go away pretty soon.

    Let me know how things are going for you and thanks again.
  15. Goodjob bro. 30 days is a solid effort. Great fou dation for future / continued success. Cheers. Going well here. Feel really empowered off those apps myself. Urge to PMO vomes and goes but since my reboot I have introduced MO again in what I believe to be healthy does. Keeping an eye on that so it doesn't get outta hand but as I said feeli great at the moment.
  16. If I’ll be honest I think that masturbation is a problem no smaller than porn addiction. But I might be wrong. I just don’t feel like I’m recovering if I’m masturbating (even without porn) and I’ve never believed that masturbating is healthy. There’s a good amount of literature and videos out there that supports my claim and the myth of masturbation being healthy is one of those popularized “cosmopolitan” facts. Funny enough, I actually think that the magazine itself was the one responsible for spreading the concept of “masturbation being good for your wellbeing”. Just look it up if you’re interested.
    ultrafabber likes this.
  17. wyomingdoe

    wyomingdoe Fapstronaut

    The situation you have gone through with the dating and chat apps is almost identical to my own. I looked at porn for years and then, a few years ago, started using dating apps as a replacement. The dopamine high was way stronger then just watching porn for me. Not only could I play out my fantasies but also had possible interaction as well. I even resorted to downloading grindr as well as a last ditch effort that ended up in a huge amount of shame and disgust when I snapped out of it. I empathize with you tremendously on this and if youd ever like to talk about your struggles and how you have come up with ideas to win the fight Id be more then happy to talk. Best of luck to you, stay strong.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

    Can confirm, you can use dating apps the wrong way, just as you'd use instagram for soft porn with infinite scrolling. I remember how hooked I got when i was giving up pmo but installed Tinder or subscribed to other dating sites.

    I agree with you 100%. Masturbation is a lie. Yes, cosmopolitan helped spread the myth, but it initially started with Kinsey's flawed "studies" on human sexuality in the 1950's. I wrote about him on reddit https://old.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/91glaq/getting_to_the_root_of_all_this_sexual_degeneracy/ but i'll copy-paste here for ease of reading . Just as a heads up, i fund later it's not 1/3 but still a very significant number "hundreds". The main error came from the type of sampling - non-probabilistic sampling, paired with opt-in participation, which meant that mostly "sexually emancipated" people will opt in. This severely skews data.

    Last edited: Nov 13, 2018
  19. Evening everyone. A little update. My 'no orgasm' streak is over (yours truly encountered a very pleasant girl last night). However, I am curious about the sort of benefits or changes I'd experience if abstaining for a longer period of time. I will set it as my new goal sometime soon.

    As to dating apps: I have not come back to them. Feels amazing not to have myself stuck to a phone screen and swiping through countless images of random girls and then waiting for a match, and then thinking of a way to get her out on a date, and then eventually doing my best to sleep with her. It is as if I quit a horrible part-time job. c:

    Thanks again for reading!
    Contentful T likes this.
  20. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Ya dating services seem like a pretty unskillful way to meet people if you ask me. Firstly us searching through all those images is not really good for our fap mindsets which we should be changing. I mean first of all meeting someone like that is a horrible idea to begin with. Talk about judging a book by its cover.

    Secondly is there some reason why I tend to relapse after browsing dating sites? All that looking at random females is a horrible plan for rebooting.

    I mean this is the digital age so if you call out online dating you might get something thrown in your face.

    So I will just say nice choice not going back to dating apps. Motivates me to keep away from them.

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