Hey everyone, As awful as it feels to be back here, I'm also glad there is a support system here to hopefully help and accompany me on this annoying as heck journey. To begin with, I'm gay so anyone who has issues with that should click return. I wonder where should I start, but I'll make it as concise as possible. I really had no problem when I was younger, as my sexual life started quite early. Oh, the days when even the slightest touch felt like fireworks, whilst now, even a bonfire under my balls wouldn't do a thing. As I grew up, porn became a daily routine, intense but not over the top. I still hung out with friends, exercised, yada yada yada... The problem first manifested (or become apparent) during my second serious relationship. With the first relationship, as I was on the receiving end of things (if you know what I mean), staying hard wasn't as much as the focus of whether I can sustain it or not. My partner didn't even make sure I would orgasm at the end of things and as I had no problem with that, it did not become an issue. With my current relationship, I kind of switched roles and become the more dominant one. And that is where things started to become noticeable and opened the whole gate to the issue with PMO. It snowballed from one night where I couldn't orgasm due to fatigue and my partner became upset. The next day I tried to make it up and could even get it up at all. I think it was a combination of pressure, anxiety and the underlying problem of porn addiction. So after a few sessions like that, I found this website and after figuring things out, came clean to him and became porn free for over a year (yay me!) It became a lot better, not the best, but so much better and exciting! I felt confident and became more lax with things (uh oh...) The thing is, my main problem isn't with explicit porn. What I enjoy seeing is, well, shirtless men, plain and simple. Most of my relapses are not even to nudity or porn but to the old school shirtless pictures and videos. And of course, in these day and age of social media, it's like trying to dodge a bullet in a war zone. From fitness tips, influencers, ads, they all feature my weaknesses and so one day, I fell from grace and masturbated to something as desperate as a noisy, blurry 30-second video of a go-go dancer. It was nearly a year ago when I relapsed, and since then my performance has dropped steadily to the point of last night when it all came back to square one. I couldn't get it up at all. Oh, the misery of that feeling. It was not a linear decline, but a zig zag line to the bottom. I would abstain for a month, then would relapse, and abstain again to the music of "I'll be alright, the brain recovers faster! I'll be fine" and so I deluded myself to more relapses. And so here I am back at square one, a fallen fapstronauts eager to return to his spaceship. I admit I have a real problem with pressure and anxiety, and though my partner has been more than wonderful and understanding, this last few relapses has hit us hard. He has a slight depression issue as well and this whole thing is really not helping both of us, and I take responsibility. We are quite happy as a couple and get on well, we have been together for 2,5 years and stayed together through a lot of things (not just this one) But this whole thing has made me so unhappy as well, that I have considered breaking up with him and just curl up with my addiction. I am so so tired of trying, of this anxiety and frustration. I am fed up of being tense and sad all the time. Many are the days where I wonder if anything is worth it and how great would it be to just disappear (Thanos, I need you) But here I am, trying it again. My plan is to reduce my time at social media, exercise more and trying out meditation. I would really appreciate if anyone has tip on how to start meditating, no need for a hassle, just a point to a channel on youtube would be a tremendous help. Anyway, I'm seeing my BF again tonight to help patch things up after last night, just a casual dinner and some drinks. Wish me luck guys and thank you to anyone who has bothered to read to the end, I know it is not as concise as I had promised. I hope to recover with you and help you if I can. If anything, I am a living proof that you can recover! So I aim to be that guy again! Ciao!
It's been over a week since my last post! I've really cut down on my social media, deleted histories, links, accounts and anything that can easily lead me astray. I've also gotten back to playing my old PlayStation, which was really effective in filling my time. But the side effects of rebooting did kick in. Lethargy was very strong, even to this day, some days with brain jog and feeling really down. I'm sure other factors contributed but I'd like to think it was because of my body recovering as well, like a fever where it has to get worse first before it gets better. And it helps me blame the addiction, so that it can be clearly marked as the villain here... I did manage to get some action in the bedroom, though the erection did not last the whole time but it was better than the last time and just being open about my condition, even to myself was helpful. Denying it really does not do anyone a favour. I remember the phrase from the book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck', it goes something like 'wanting a good thing out of a negative thing is a bad thing, while accepting the negative thing as a bad thing is a good thing' and that phrase did help me somewhat. Accepting my condition helps me to fight it in a clearer head, than if I had kept denying it. Anyway, I hope everyone has a great weekend and keep up the good fight!
After two weeks of social media fasting of 'trigger' images, I'm noticing an improvement in the bedroom, which was much welcomed change. I'm more focused, less anxious and also having more fun! It's actually the first real fun I've had in the bedroom for quite a long time. I don't have the burden of the guilt and the worry breathing down my neck, and in turn I can be more in the moment and not overthink everything. I'm still having a lot of mini anxiety attacks but I think that it is mostly due to other factors than just the rebooting. I do have the urge to look at soft porn now and again but I quickly try to divert my energies to other things, and luckily as I have many things to do, it was possible. So, if you are reading this, have faith and just take it one day at a time
