A partner that is too honest?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Oct 27, 2018.

  1. I have been trying to have more and more honest and open conversations with my SO and sometimes it goes ok and I enjoy understanding where he's coming from and his struggles, it actually helps me not put blame on myself or feel inadequate as a partner or lover, but there would be sometimes when he shares about being tempted or what turns him on about another woman and I just feel triggered.. like just upset that we are even dealing with this at all..or what did I do wrong in our relationship that he would prefer other women over me..... especially when I’m walking around in a thong and see through shirt right in front of him when we are having this conversation. Anyone else ever feel this way? Just upset that u are even going through this at all? And that you’ll probably be uncomfortable for the rest of your life anytime u go to the beach or watch a movie or show with a sex scene in it??

    Katrina Rose and Deleted Account like this.
  2. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    I think there is certainly a fine line to oversharing from being honest. There is a point where it isn’t practicing vulnerability, empathy, or mindfulness, but is more indulging, damaging, and careless. Have you been able to talk to your PA about his “honesty”, and more importantly about how it makes you feel when he is too honest? These should be constructive conversations that are intended to foster understanding and openness, while addressing each other’s struggles and healing. I am hopeful you both can strike a balance, and a better appreciation for each other’s needs.
  3. A new day

    A new day Fapstronaut

    If you feel something negative inside it’s a sign you need to speak up. Maybe you two could come up with a phase like: “I can’t hear this right now”. Then the other needs to stop. This phrase is good because it doesn’t blame, shame, or close the door on conversation. You can then decide if you need to explain what’s bugging you or if you need time to reflect first. Setting up ground rules like this is really helpful.

    You are going to feel raw for awhile. What bugs you might not even make sense to you for awhile and that’s ok. You can even say that. “ I don’t know what’s bugging me, but I don’t want to hear about this right now.”
    Deleted Account, Trappist and NF4L like this.
  4. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    Some truths are hard to hear and respond to neutrally because you have emotional investment in the person revealing them, and these truths can take away the version of that person you think you know, or bring to light certain facts or aspects of them that you would prefer not to be true. Asking for total honesty, though, will expose you to these sorts of revelations.

    Once you realise that your partner can find other body types and people with different types of features from yours attractive, does it really matter what specifically they find attractive about people who are not you? For my wife, the most hurtful thing that had to stop was that I acted on this attraction to help me M and O. Accepting the reality that part of my motivation for watching porn was the sex appeal of the people depicted, and imagining them as my partners, allowed me to realise why my P use was so hurtful. It wasn't just a mechanical, biological release. I was taking the fact that I notice attractive people (as all people do) but then using that as a means to achieve my own pleasure. That was the hurtful act. That active seeking of pleasure in the fantasising over others was the hurtful act of betrayal, and the specifics beyond that about preferences etc (which honestly can change and vary over time and are not highly specific ideals that she might or might not live up to, but were, when using P, usually motivated by a search for novelty) were not discussed in detail. This is because of a truth that is not hurtful: my partner and her body are beautiful to me and always have been. Using P was never a replacement for her, or a search for something better, it was a way for my brain's reward centre to achieve more orgasms, more frequently and regularly, with less effort than sexual intercourse wih my partner required. It was greediness and laziness, but never was P or the women in it a superior partner.

    Working out what my motivations were as a P user, and sifting through the confusion to figure out what were deep truths about my self and my real feeligs, versus the twisted rationalisations of a brain that wants to keep having as many orgasms as possible as often as possible, all with minimum effort, took time. Sometimes the old thinking comes back in weak moments. Beig open and honest with a SO about this process can be great and help both partners understand each other better, but the hopeless groping in the dark and working out of problems can result in oversharing that would have been better done on a platform such as this.

    Answerig a question about the appeal of a preferred performer might help the PA accept the hurtfulness of their actions and why it is a betrayal, but it could also lead to self-image problems for the SO. If the PA is not respondig to you in an outfit like the one you described, call them up on it. If you have dressed a certain way to provoke a sexual response from him, then let him know. If he is not responsive and excited, then he has to accept that he has a problem and has conditioned himself to PMO.

    Sorry if none of this is helpful. I like to come to Nofap to work out my own thoughts and feelings before sharing them with my wife, for the reasons above. This might be a good idea for your partner if his sharing with you is too uncomfortable at times and feels like oversharing.
  5. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    Also, one quick observation about what seems to be the situation you describe in your first post (about the thong). If you are walkig around like that 'while we have this conversation' then your partner will be wary of initiating sex or foreplay if you are having an intense, emotional discussion about your relationship, the betrayal you feel and the hurt he has caused. The time for open discussion and emotional vulnerability is not the same time for initiating a loving sexual interaction. If you are seeking validification of both your sex appeal and his love for you, perhaps seek one first, then the other. Have he emotional discussion, make progress, then if you still feel like it, then woukd be a time to wear the outfit or seek the sexual attention.

    I may have misread your message, but if you are wearin this outfit in such an emotionally fragile context where he is undeniably the cause of the pain and hurt, that is not the world's most effective aphrodesiac. Emotional closeness and feeling loved is. Make the progress, then make the love.

    Good luck in your journey.
  6. Pinetree

    Pinetree Fapstronaut

    A relationship is not about the body or the image of the body.

    You both need to learn to live with the fact that other women exist that are better looking than you.

    And I am sure that goes for him.

    It's a myth that relationships are created from the best possible choice of partners (such as best looking, smartest, richest, funniest or whatever somebody has on their "checklist" )
  7. Hey,

    Your post helped me understand so much! Thanks for the advice!


  8. @samnf1990
    samnf1990 likes this.
  9. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    I'm so glad that it could help someone other than just myself.
  10. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yes, it makes me very upset and sad pretty much daily.
  11. emm18

    emm18 New Fapstronaut

    I'm new here. Thank you for your post and the reply @samnf1990. I am a very logical person and now also very confused. My husband and I met online more then five years ago. We have been married almost five. Within 3 months of our relationship I worked out he had PA. For five years it's been a battle as initially he never accepted the pain he was causing us or himself. We tried counselling, when I was going to move on. Three different times in five years and he pulled the wool over our eyes. I miscarried the first time I found out, as it was such a shock. I still struggle to understand why he continued to lie to me so I'm appeased, and then do what he felt he wanted. The logical part of me understands it's the A....but my heart, my faith in humanity is struggling. I don't trust myself- I read into everything. I've never been anxious, but i am about this. The last two years he has tried to abstain. He really tried and asked me to put accountability software on everything. I did as he asked. It worked 95% of the time. This year has been stressful, and he found a friends computer. Then a week ago he purchased a tablet, that I found under the matrass when making the bed. We've been in therapy the last three months - he lied the whole time. He gets so angry at me when he realises I found out. I never yell, i don't abuse, i don't cuss, i approach him empathetically, like i was trained to do by psychologists. I calm him down. He talks etc. I am left a mess inside. I have a habit of locking everything inside me. This year I've been off work because I'm so sick. I've developed all these internal issues that everyone tells me is due to stress. The only stress I feel is that I am scared. Scared of not knowing if he will ever recover or if I stay, this is how it will always be. I am looking for hope that he is not a toxic person but a person with toxic habits...I've been raised by a narcissistic father and my ex was a milder narcissist. Both abandoned me and I never saw it coming. That scares me too- I struggle with the thoughts that maybe I am too gullable? Why can I not see these people as intentionally wanting to hurt me for their benefit.
    My husband seems like a good man. We have four children, one of which is ours. He has lost his first family to PA and rage outburst. I love him, but I don't want my kindness to be abused forever.
    The worse for me is that it's not just streaming P. He looks for escorts and goes on adult matchmaking sites. I haven't seen him do more than 'perve ', which he swear is all he does....but he is away a lot, and looks for escorts in places he goes to. That really screws with my mind. I want to believe him because I love him and I want to save this marriage. When he isn't impacted by P he tells me himself how much clearer his mind works. Then he gets stressed, and he already has anxiety issues, and with time he says he gets raging mad inside. That's when he succumbs. Has anyone else got experience with this? If the P rewires his brain, shouldn't it get less needy of a P bender? He says he hates himself afterwards. Again, I want to believe him, but he lies to appease me. Is it possible he does hate himself and not want to appease me in that moment...then after a few days he needs more P and becomes mad?? I'm sorry, I feel I am rambling. I am so confused and raw right now. The fact he kept going to counseling and was lying....that's worse then the relapse for me. I expect relapse...but I need honesty. Any ideas how I can help get him to be more forthcoming- approach me himself and say: hey I just wanted to let you know I've had a slip up.
    That's all he'd have to say. The fact that he was telling me, instead of me finding out (I am super intuitive and pick it almost within a month of him using P) is what helps heal wounds and gives me hope. What needs to happen for him to do this? He said he will see our counsellor alone today. I feel good and anxious about this at the same time. I'm worried he is lying and will have an excuse for not going, or he will not be open about what happened and talk about feeling down in general. I don't want to play his mum and want him to take carE of this for us. I am standing by him and trying to be optimistic and positive. But the more I am like that, the more he seems to forget and think it's all ok now. That's frustrating. When he sees the shaking or finds me crying somewhere (I try to hide this so he doesn't feel bad), he gets angry- he says at himself, but it doesn't feel that way. He told me he feels it's a problem and it's controlling him, but is that enough? Is he trying to appease me? When I thought he was trying and taking it seriously, I started getting better health wise and I could go days and not think of anything like PA. That's how I want to live. I am worried that it will take him having to lose us to make him stop. He says that he has never felt this way about anyone but me and that he has never tried to stop for anyone else. Any words of advice or feedback would be great right now. Thanks for your patience.
  12. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    My own experience did not reach this extremity, but there are plenty of SOs on this forum who have had similar experiences to yours and post threads with resources and strategies that may be of help to you. Working out what you want and need from the relationship will be just as important as how you work towards that. Some have decided that leaving their partner was the sensible decision. Some have had huge success with recovery from very difficult starting points indeed.

    Good luck, and I hope you find what you need here.
  13. Yeah, my ex-girlfriend did. I once told her about lustful thoughts I had towards another woman and she got very upset and told me to be careful of what I say to her. She was ok with me telling her about my porn problem but there were somethings I shouldn't have said. I think a PA should confess their porn problem to their partner and answer any questions they have but nothing more. Not a fan of this full disclosure stuff, PA should be honest but also be prudent. I think your SO is rather out of line to say what he said. If you want to know he should tell you but only if you ask.
  14. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

    You spoke my mind. I feel like this all the time. Recently I've found that self care has helped me a lot in coping. I walk 10 miles a day and focus on a better me. I remind myself it's HIS problem if I don't drive him wild, because I am enough for plenty of other men. I also feel like once I have my confidence back, and I'm the best version of myself I can be, the attention from other males will likely slap him awake a little bit. I don't know, maybe that's illogical thinking, but it's helped me to focus more on ME and less on his P addiction. As far as beaches and nude scenes... I don't think I'll EVER be ok in those situations with him. I do fine on my own, and with other people, but in his presence I can't cope with the trauma and end up having to start my own journey of recovery all over again. It's like standing in line to get my heart broken. I know that is an unhealthy attribute in a relationship and I hate it. But I cling to the sliver of hope that someday we'll be ok.
    TryingToHeal likes this.
  15. Lovable king

    Lovable king Fapstronaut

    Here some care for my motivation... I am ready to be accept any loyal girl for me.
  16. charlie78

    charlie78 Fapstronaut

    If so is the case .I have some questions if you could answer them. I think you can understand and figure out what you want. First, Is your relation positive or toxic. Second, Do you not like other men. Third, Does he turn you on in some way or the other or is it just your urge that make you go wild not him.

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