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A Promise to Myself

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by AgainstTheEvil, Oct 22, 2020.

  1. AgainstTheEvil

    AgainstTheEvil New Fapstronaut

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    Warning: I use some potentially triggering language in my post, so I've decided to hide some parts of it in a spoiler.

    I started watching porn when I was around 13-14. I realized that I was addicted when I was 21. I'm now 24 and after three years of trying, I haven't managed to quit.

    I've had several accounts on NoFap throughout these years, and I've written threads promising myself that it was the last time, that I would never watch porn again.

    I feel like there is no easy answer to the porn problem. I call bullshit on 12 step programs or some supposed perfect solutions I've found on this website. The porn problem is always personal, deeply rooted in our personal history, and so the solution also has to be personal.

    There are so many aspects to my own porn problem. On the one hand, it is a manifestation of my feelings of utter loneliness and alienation. On the other hand, there is also a violent side to it. As I grew to watch more and more violent and degrading porn, it became clear that I am releasing in this way deep feeling of rage and hatred that are seemingly stored in my unconscious. There is also a desire to control others. Maybe it stems from my feelings of not having control over my own life.

    Recently I have become obsessed by the idea of chatting about porn, sharing of GIFs and videos with others, especially females, and streaming porn. There are websites devoted to that, and there are females there who love degrading porn. All of them seem to have fetishes that have to do with degrading women, whether it's gangbangs or ejaculating on her face.

    I need to find the strength to stop. But it doesn't end there. I must understand myself and my addiction better. I feel like this is the key to resolving this issue.

    Take these women who either want to be degraded, or seek images and videos of other women being degraded. Clearly there is something deeply psychologically wrong with these women. They must have been deeply wronged and traumatized to seek such videos, to want to be debased by others. But why would I take advantage of their disturbed psychological state?

    I feel like I should find in myself empathy for them, real empathy and not pity that is full of fake superiority. I also need empathy for myself. I have tried to deal with my porn problem by condemning either myself or others. What I have found is that it doesn't work, it only makes matters worse.

    I need an impetus to start again. That's why I'm writing this post. But it's not enough. I need to explore and analyze the issues that are at the root of my problem. There are reasons why I watch porn. Nothing happens without a reason. There must be a conflict within me. If there weren't, I wouldn't be addicted.

    My promise to myself now is to try to not watch porn, to not seek any pornographic materials. I need to cleanse my soul.

    Thanks to anyone who has read this rambling post. If there are any responses, I will respond to all of them tomorrow. Have a good day everyone.
     
    newleaf426 likes this.

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