A Question About About Betrayal

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GG2002, Apr 8, 2017.

  1. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    My addict partner with PIED and I are in a rut and it's because he will not own how seriously his lies have harmed our relationship and he is constantly looking for a reason to blame me to justify his behavior. He says he is sorry but he does not mean it he still thinks I deserved it. What is so perplexing is that he was lying to me and using porn from the first day we met. So how any actions I did could have caused it makes no sense.
    He has gone to two counselors. The first one he told me told him that the porn was not a problem for him. But it was since after a month of stopping his PIED significantly improved. The second counselor he went to he alleged said to him that the DE was no big deal and it was due to distraction during sex not porn, and that the reason we were having problems was me being needy nothing he did and that because I am so needy she recommended that he end the relationship now mind you this is on the first visit that she allegedly made a pronouncement that he should leave me. I don't believe this for a second and even if she did say that it was because as he normally does he skewed the facts and rewrote history. But I'm open to working on myself so I asked him to tell me what it was that I did that was needy so I could work on it. Now I admit I may have been slightly more needy since I discovered his lies but I think that's understandable. He of course does not. His answer was that I expected him to call me when he was away on travel for ten minutes a day and he really wanted to go to the gym instead and that I asked him to text me when I woke up and one time when he forgot I got mad. Now in 12 months he has forgotten to text me about 30 times and I did not get mad 29 out of 30 times but he remembers that one time that I did? He also forgets the 100 times that he told me porn was harming our sex life and he was not doing it anymore. He seriously with a straight face looked at me and said he did not remember agreeing to that so he did not know he was lying! Then he started launching into how I left his jacket in an Uber once 10 months ago and how horrible that was. The funny thing is that's not what happened at all. He left it in the Uber he was holding it but because he said I should have been looking out for his stuff and was not it was my fault.

    When I met him he told me his divorce was 100% his ex wives fault which was always a bit of a red flag to me. I mean divorces are never 100% anyone's fault and that when they went to counseling the counselor told her in the first visit that everything was her fault and she was acting childish. Does anyone else here see a pattern?

    He blames his friend for talking him into buying a used car that is crap which he never should have bought in the first place and he made the decision. He blames his boss for not getting a raise, his sister for their strained relationship, the neighbors for his property value going down and I cannot believe I did not see beforehand why now he blames me for his mistakes.

    I don't know if there is some mental health issue going on here or what. But he will not accept responsibility. Every conversation ends with him somehow blaming me for what he did! If I caused him to look at porn and lie how is it he was doing that from day 1?

    I guess I don't need any answers from you all just wanted to vent and try to figure out what would cause this type of behavior?
     
    Overfloweth likes this.
  2. Jewels22

    Jewels22 Fapstronaut

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    Does it matter what caused it? Do you have a bottom line?
     
  3. Overfloweth

    Overfloweth Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear that you're having problems in your relationship. From what you write, it's seems clear to me that your boyfriend is living in denial. He appears to blame everyone but himself for the problems in his life. Ultimately he seems unwillingly to take responsibility for himself, and therefore his role in your relationship. For counsellors to advise that porn use by one partner within a relationship is not a problem is just plain wrong. Maybe they're not getting the full picture from your partner. From what I can tell, it doesn't sound like you're being overly needy either, a phone call or text when your partner is away is hardly asking for the world...just a small gesture that someone who cares would never begrudge. Hopefully you can get the time to have a real heart to heart with your partner to get to the bottom of what each of your emotional needs are and how they are, or aren't being met. He must be suffering too for what ever reason. Maybe you can help him get to the bottom of that, maybe not. Relationship counciling could work too, but it may be difficult to persuade him while he's in denial of his problem with porn, there could be a lot of hidden shame attached to his behaviours. But I think ultimately you need a
    significant sign from him that he understands he has a problem and that he's serious about doing some thing to address it. Without that heartfelt acknowledge and commitment from him things are unlikely to improve I'm afraid. And I think you know all this already :) good luck and always put yourself first.
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2017
  4. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    So my bottom line is that he stopped the porn and only had orgasms with me not his hand and he has done that. But he's not happy about it and now that he's stopped that he's doing other things he never did before and I think it's to show he's angry for me making him stop if that makes sense? But he thinks I've done what you asked me to so it's okay if I now ogle women in front of you or it's okay if I forget to text or call when I'm supposed to.
     
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Very well put exactly. Thank you. And I've tried the heart to heart with him and it gets us nowhere. Honestly he does not remember or claims to not remember half of the things I express to him that I need. So it's useless. I tell him when he's right next to me please you are blatantly ogling that woman and five minutes later he does it again. Or please can you make sure to call me at X time tomorrow and by the time tomorrow comes he's forgotten. I am sure there is something deep down that's causing pain but I can't get to the bottom of it. And because he's not being fully open with the counselor she can't get there either. My opinion is anything negative anyone says to him he blocks it out. So when he retells a story it's actually what he thinks but to others it's a messed up version which focuses on him being totally innocent and me being at fault. I think it's just time to end things because we are just talking in circles and that's just making us both miserable. I just can't reach him. Thanks so much! Really this whole community has helped me so much!
     
  6. Jewels22

    Jewels22 Fapstronaut

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    Okay, that makes sense. He's traded one aggravation for another one. That would be frustrating.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  7. That was happening for months at 1st in my hub's therapy (per him). His therapist told him recently that at 1st he was doing the "blame game" (common with addicts) and now supposedly is taking more ownership. Anyhow --- point is --- addicts often blame. And it sucks to be blamed for their behavior.

    Addicts often lie to their therapists too. Very common.

    ^^^YES
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  8. I never told my ex about my addiction until years after we broke up. I feared how she would react even as sex got worse between us. It seems like he isn't that concerned for you if he is unwilling to try and quit and be honest when he relapses. He should be happy that you are still with him through this, I don't think many women would. If he doesn't want to try and improve, it might be not worth the suffering your going through.
     
    Overfloweth likes this.

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