A question about first dates

I am at this moment finding it extremely funny that I have, for some reason, decided to respond to this thread and presume to offer "dating advice" to other men! After all, 26 years have passed since I last went on a date; I was never really any "good" at them; and a quick results-oriented look at my current marital situation does not exactly strengthen my position as an authority on the subject! ;-)

So take the following with "a few boulders of salt," but IMHO: since you (commendably) seem to be approaching this issue in a gentlemanly and serious manner, desiring not to waste anyone's time, I'd say that it should be totally OBVIOUS -- if only out of politeness and respect -- that you should have contacted her very shortly after your meeting, ideally within a day or so at most, in order:

• to once again thank her for the enjoyable time together.
• to mutually evaluate the meeting: primarily to hear from her what she thought of it and if she sees any value in meeting again; and then to politely and diplomatically tell her your thoughts.
• to mutually "close" on an "official status" and interim plan for the future:
  • if, during this followup conversation itself, you surprisingly discover that she is genuinely thrilled and enthusiastic to meet you again, you might decide ("in real-time") that you too are open to giving it at least another shot. In which case you should at least suggest to meet again soon at an as-yet-TBD time and place, if not actually start the actual planning.
  • alternatively, if it is mutually clear that she too had fun but is not interested in continuing, then simply thank her once again, politely wish her continued success, and possibly let her know that if she might need anything from you in the future that she should feel free to contact you again.
  • finally, if you find that she is being polite but vague and/or not enthusiastic, then simply kill the relationship diplomatically by telling her that her that you're kinda busy now but hope to "talk again in the future" ... etc.

For future dates, I would even suggest not ruling out the above procedure towards the end of the actual date itself.

In any case, "better late than never," and I'd suggest contacting her now, even though a full week has already passed. You can say that you've been extremely busy during that time....

Wishing you best of luck and much success.

 

I know bugger all about dating as well, lol.

But what @Yesodi said feels right. I would take a different view of the very last bit though. There is no need to make a lame attempt to save face. Just be honest and say that you are new to this and you were unsure what the protocol was. Honesty in all things is, imo, the best option. That way you can always be yourself to all people at all times. Go for it @NoBrainer!

 

I myself deliberated on the last part as well.

In the Jewish tradition, there is a well-known comparison between Moses (primarily a man of of Truth) and his brother Aaron (primarily a man of Peace, who would often "bend the truth" in order to resolve conflicts and create peace). On the surface, one would think that Truth should be the ultimate standard, but the traditional conclusion is that often Peace/Shalom is even more important.

@NoBrainer: whatever you decide, go for it!

 

Hmm @Yesodi, Aaron would "bend the truth" so much that he incurred God's displeasure when making an idol for the Israelites to worship, telling them - "this is your God O Israel"! He supported his sister in trying to usurp his brother (Moses) as the one chosen by God to lead the nation. He also claimed the honour and credit for God's provision of water for the nation trekking through the wilderness. I would suggest that Aaron's example is one that illustrates that not "bending the truth" is paramount.

 

To the Honorable @IGY :
My intention in going out on that tiny tangent was simply to embellish the rationale behind a portion of my "dating advice" [!] to fellow Fapstronaut @NoBrainer with a tidbit of Jewish traditional thought, but not to spark a theological debate on Biblical exegesis, for which this Forum is not an appropriate venue.

Still, FYI: of the 3 points you raised concerning Aaron, traditional Jewish thought would agree with you only concerning the 1st. And regardless: it is nevertheless true that Aaron, as a flesh-and-blood human -- despite his tremendous merits otherwise -- indeed also made mistakes!

But I suggest that we not lose track of the actionable task at hand! Remember that a sweet woman somewhere on this Earth -- possibly a Ms. @NoBrainer in potentia -- might be anxiously waiting by her phone for over a week now, hoping for our bumbling brother-in-NoFap to finally call her and ask her how she's been doin' ... etc! Let us not allow Aaron's possible mistakes or transgressions thousands of years ago to keep the sweet girl waiting another moment!

Peace!

 

Just tell her you don't want to meet up again and wish her well in the future.

 

Actually, I had suggested that you call her, in order to finalize in a natural way all of the points that I mentioned. IMHO, texting is neither effective nor respectful enough a medium for such a conversation.

I still think you should call -- not exclusively for telling her that you do not want to continue, which might indeed appear crude -- but for the entire conversation. "How've you been doin'?" Is a good opening line, but in itself cannot serve as your exit-point!

 

This is funny because you had the answer in your post. You have two options:
1) Ignore the girl (maybe not nice, but it gets the message across that you are not interested)
2) Be a nice guy and in a text (no reason to call her) say exactly what you said with some fine tuning. Here's what I would say based on your response. "It was nice meeting you, and I had a good time with you, however I didn't feel the chemistry I was looking for and therefore I do not want to waste either of each other's time with further meet ups. Take care and good luck out there."

 

Oh, I am crude am I @NoBrainer? I remind you that you said, and I quote: "I do not want to waste either of each other's time in future with further meet ups... been on a first date but don't wish to go a second one." If I am crude, so are you!

To reiterate: you do not want to go on a second date with her because it would be a waste of your time. My advice was and remains - be honest. My words were not supposed to be copied down verbatim in a text. I am simply saying that you should state clearly that you do not want to go out with her again, so there can be no misunderstandings. Otherwise, you will end up confusing her and end up on more dates because she hasn't got the message.

 

This thread is jokes, I haven't been on a date in a minute but IMO I say try to find a polite way to let her know your not interested.

 

You did right. It was a first date with a total stranger. The text saying thanks and nice meeting you was more then enough.

 

Yeah it sounds all good. Congratulations on the dating. Got one myself tomorrow.

 

From a girls point of view, it's nice for you to want to be honest with her. That being said, as she didn't really respond like she was interested in another date. You should leave it as is. If she'd responded asking for something further, then would be the time to politely tell her that you didn't feel chemistry. To say so after her lukewarm response would only serve to make her feel rejected. Sometimes it's better to just allow things to Peter out if neither party seems interested in taking things further.

Good luck with dating. Keep putting yourself out there xx

 

Here's my two cents on "break ups" -- obviously this isn't really a "break up," since it was just a first date with a stranger, but I think the same principle applies.

I've always felt really uncomfortable with just flat out telling someone I'm not interested in them anymore. I mean isn't that going to hurt their feelings? Answer: yes, it probably will hurt their feelings. But it will hurt them a lot less in the long run, if you tell them as soon as possible and therefore prevent them from investing any more time and thought into your potential relationship. This is especially true for "breaking things off" with a woman, because (some, maybe even most) women over think things a lot. Which means that if she thought your date went super well, she could be building things up in her mind to the point of even imagining if you'll one day get married. That might sound a bit crazy, but those are the things we ladies think about when we like someone. So if you're not sure if it was obvious that you're not interested, it's best to make that clear, so she can let go and move on with her life and stop wasting time thinking about you.

In short... you want to do what's best for both of you in the long run, not what will spare someones feelings in the moment. Of course there are kind ways to approach the subject, but rejection is always going to sting a bit. But it's worth the momentary sting, and it will be best for her in the end.

Edit: Just to be clear... this is advice for the future. In this particular situation, I think it would be really strange for you to open up the conversation again at this point just to say "I'm not interested in going out with you again." After this much time, she's probably taken the hint, but in the future, if it were me, I would much rather a guy just come out and be honest so I don't have to sit by my phone wondering if he's going to call me and all that crap.