A question for men about checking women out

I don’t think he was saying he was tired. I think he was addressing you with the shortened version of your name.

 

Yes,that's what I meant.

 

This is something I do. I have no idea why I do it but I think most men are able to keep that shit under control. It’s really embarrassing and I’m sure women know, just like they know when I’m trying to sleep with them.

 

I think it’s a complicated matter but I believe that the root cause is PA. I am a PA have been for the last 23 years and have only started to realize the damage I have done since the last couple of weeks, it has been a shameful and guilt driven process but It was only until I acknowledge there was a problem and that I am an addict that I have started to deal with it


There are two things I will like to share with you:

1. Regarding your question: Looking at other women has been something I have done for years but it was only until I came to accept that I have a PA problem that I understood how hurtful it can be for my wife and how uncomfortable can be for the women I am looking at. For me there is no conscious feeling or reward I am looking for when I look at a woman as they go by, I do it more unconsciously and I think sometimes I even do it as a habit, it`s like an autopilot kind of thing. I have never gone past the looking, I mean I have never engaged with a woman outside my marriage, but I have certainly at some point M while fantasizing with a woman I saw earlier, just as I do with P.


It’s incredible how much your story relates with what my wife and I just discussed yesterday morning regarding this matter. She feels exactly like you feel and the biggest issue is that it’s not the first time we talk about it, but the biggest difference is that this is the first time we discussed this after I have realized and accepted I have a PA problem which has made me realize how wrong my actions are, never before came to my attention that I was hurting her and that the other women and people around saw me doing it, the feeling now is awful. I am now trying to stop, I know it is not going to be easy at all but for me what is starting to work is trying to be more aware that I am looking at a woman so I can stop doing it and start looking elsewhere.


2. Regarding your husband: all my understanding of what this addiction has done to me, my marriage and specially personally to my wife has only started to arise since I accepted there is a problem. Before that I always found a way to rationalize what I was doing and I always found an excuse to why I M, things like I do it to release stress, I do it because my wife doesn't want to have sex and I am horny, etc. And all was done from the perspective that M is a perfectly natural thing and that I control it, boy was I wrong. This morning my wife Asked me what made me realized all of this, what changed in me to come forward and accept my PM problem and after thinking about it I realize that it was reading at stories like yours and understanding that this is a very common and real problem, that I am not alone, that the damage this does goes beyond me, but most importantly that this was really hurting my wife in ways I never imagined, that’s when I realized this has to stop. I don’t know at what point you are in your relationship but what worked for me has been being aware of the damage I am doing to my wife and talking with her as much as I can so we can together try to heal the wounds, and I only found the courage to do so until I found this site and I started reading everyone else stories.


I know probably won’t help much, but I want you to know that I hear you, I understand you and I hope your husband finds the courage to deal with this soon. Just be aware that if that happens the ride will probably be even more painful as it is now (at least that what my wife shares with me) and both will need each others love and support in order to rebuild your marriage, your relationship and your intimacy.


Hope this helps.