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A Quick Peek Into Day 308

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Strength And Light, Jun 21, 2017.

  1. TheFutureMe

    TheFutureMe Fapstronaut

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    Really well put Strength&Light, you've answered a part of the question regarding what's to expect from further recovery times. I'm still struggling sometimes with automatic thoughts like the ones you mention, the chastizing and demeaning and harmful ones. Thanks for sharing this, it certainly gives me tons to think about and ponder :)

    Also congratulations on letting the superstitious side of posting in the success section aside. I'd be curious to know how you feel about it now that it's done?
    All the best!
     
    Strength And Light likes this.
  2. Don Gately

    Don Gately Fapstronaut

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    That's a great thing to have happen. I'm still so far off from that. Sometimes I see a girl who I think is really attractive and it's almost painful how my brain feels. Or I see a girl with a guy who I think is way below her "level" and start getting mad about how unfair life is. I really hope giving up P will help me stop thinking this way. It's so frustrating.
     
  3. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @TheFutureMe. That's a really great question to ask. I can tell you think in a similar way to me, as that's something I'd want to know. I actually feel very good about posting it, in part because I know I waited until I was absolutely certain that this wasn't a temporary "phase" of recovery. What I mean is that I had a day here or a string of days there earlier in reboot with this type of success against objectifying. I would put a lot of effort into consciously averting my eyes, refocusing my thoughts, etc... and I'd have a couple random days when things aligned and I was able to avoid objective behavior. But then soon enough I'd be right back to my same old behavior, although in a much less extreme sense than when I was actively PMOing. A few weeks ago I decided to stop checking social media like FB and Instagram, just as a trial. I'd had plenty of times during my reboot when I'd click on an attractive friend in FB or Insta and essentially do some lightweight objectifying of her photo or photos, and this always seemed to create an odd tension within me. I didn't really want to be doing it, but it didn't seem "wrong enough" not to do. It never led to any real urges to M or P, but it didn't seem right. So I stopped scrolling these apps and it felt kind of nice to get away from them. I've been doing really well with my moods and well-being and kind of forgot about social media. In hindsight, removing those subtle social media objectifications was probably the last straw that helped things fall into place for me. I stopped "practicing" objectification and it just naturally began to fall away from my behavior.

    The superstition that prevented me from posting in the Success forum sooner was probably based on the gut feeling that something still wasn't aligned right. Seems like that was accurate and it was social media objectification that needed realignment.

    I like your mindset. No doubt you are taking this seriously and will continue to progress with success. Awesome!
     
  4. TheFutureMe

    TheFutureMe Fapstronaut

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    How nice to have full-fledged answers from people in the know :D Thanks for answering in detail, and shedding some light on the process that left you feeling that the "works" were incomplete until that final touch, which you ended up finding by yourself without external artifice/trick.

    Thanks for the encouragement! It's fapstronauts like you who inspire me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll one day be able to walk this path alone without the support of NoFap members. We'll see soon enough I guess!
     
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  5. northsouth

    northsouth Fapstronaut

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    It really does. Thank's mate!
     
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  6. spin89

    spin89 Fapstronaut

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    Stay alert daily. Crucial in the world today :)
     
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  7. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Hi @Don Gately. I like to think of what you're describing in two separate terms: Ogling and Observing. Observing is what happens any time you're in public. You see a child bouncing a basketball, a dog sniffing a pile of leaves, a lady putting the cap on her water bottle. Ogling is what happens when you inject seeking into your natural observing. Much of seeking behavior is learned through practice when you use P and Psubs. You are constantly scanning images and videos searching for a larger level of dopamine, a novelty, etc... This "practice" spills over into real life when you are just casually observing your surroundings - you end up scanning just like you did on tubes sites or Instagram or Tindr or whatever. The best combat for ogling is not to practice scanning and seeking with P and Psubs - abstain from them. If you can't abstain from FB, at least try a reboot from them for a certain amount of time. See how it impacts your well-being and your ogling. It certainly was eye opening for me.

    Giving up P is a really beneficial move for a number of important reasons Don. I strongly encourage you to do it however you can. I'm pulling for you!
     
  8. Soccer14

    Soccer14 Fapstronaut

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    Strength And Light, thank you for this most refreshing post. As I read the beginning of your anecdote, I was a bit confused. I was waiting for you to tell us that you hooked up with the women, or you knew that she was into you, or some other comment along these lines that are so prevalent and inspiring to so many people on this site (including me). However, there are more important things in life and grander ways of being to inspire to. Your post reminds of us this.

    Personally, I am experiencing my longest streak every and am quite proud of this. I feel that my body is in the process of healing and soon I can go back to a somewhat more normal life (like watching movies and TV with women in them). However, one thing that I've been struggling with is my objectification of women. While I've made a lot of progress in my ability not to check women out as much, I still notice myself having some vulgar thoughts (like the first set of thoughts you mentioned). I want to be able to view women in a different manner and it was really comforting and inspiring to read your post and to know that in time, this too will change.

    Thanks again for your very thoughtful and mature post. Best of luck with your continued success.
     
  9. BrianHotshot

    BrianHotshot Fapstronaut

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    Just what I needed!

    I always promised myself that I'd respect women. In public, I'll be the guy holding the doors open for a girl or standing to the side to let them through a doorway or such.

    But I hated how those behaviors were only...on the outside. I'd like to call myself a "gentleman", but I know that it would be a lie to do so.

    Cognitively, I sexualize and objectify women. I think of them in ways that aren't right, and I've been conditioned to have certain thoughts about them at times. My eyes automatically wander to certain parts of their bodies when I meet them.

    I hated that. This is one of the reasons why I'm trying to quit PMO. I wanted to return my brain to the natural state where I can admire a women for her personality. I wanted a life where the first things I'll notice is a woman's face.

    I want to be called a true "gentleman" and actually deserve the title.

    This post is what I needed. A reassurance of how it's possible and the changes that quitting PMO can bring.

    Thank you for the post, it'll serve as a reminder for me to keep on going.
     
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  10. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot @Soccer14. I was kind of waiting for someone to say something like, "Maaaan, you shoulda tapped that broad" or something like that, completely missing the whole point. I'm happily married and so my motivations might be different and the way that I measure success might not be the same as someone not in a relationship.

    81 days is an impressive accomplishment and one you absolutely be proud of - it's awesome! In my opinion, objectification and fantasy are the trickiest hurdles that PMO addicts face. These behaviors are much more difficult to identify and treat. These things can take place in a subconscious level, so it can feel like you have no control over them. Meditation is a good practice to get into that can help you be more mindful of objectification and fantasy. Extended abstinence from P, M and Psubs is obviously the first line of treatment. I'm also starting to notice more and more that practicing outward kindness and being helpful to others helps me identify others as real people, and helps remind me that objectification isn't helping them. The farther along in reboot I go, the more the concept sinks in.

    You are in a very good frame of mind and are doing great. Keep doing what you're doing!
     
  11. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @BrianHotshot. Be patient. The we're-hard-wired-to-see-women-as-sex-objects-so-that-we'll-procreate-with-them argument is a very popular one. There's obviously validity to sexual attraction, but this is not caveman times. We are not dogs. The "I just grab them by the pussy" attitude fucking stinks the way racism stinks. Objectifying is entitlement behavior. It's fantasy. "I'd fuck that ass." Guess what? That's not your ass to fuck. You're living in a fantasy world like a comic book nerd. I don't mean YOU specifically Brian. I mean all of us - all the males who patterned our behavior after our fathers, our coaches, our college buddies, our co-workers. We're like trust fund kids, but our inheritance is just a rotten, demeaning attitude that only exists to cover up our macho insecurities.

    We can do so much better. One of the things that's scary about disabling objectification behavior is that at first it feels very emasculating. Why am I really doing this? Am I some kind of a pussy? All the locker room and bar talk attitudes still echo in your head for quite awhile. We've saturated ourselves with porn visuals of male sexual dominance. It feels powerful to carry the fantasy of this dominance. Giving up that fantasy feels like we're losing our power. But what we never seem to realize is what we give up in order to feel that fantasy of power: our self control. If we are so powerful over women, why no self control? Well, that's because the power is only fantasy. Establishing or re-establishing self control has nothing to do with power, it's just that it feels at first like you're giving up power because you are no longer living in fantasyland.

    Sorry for the wordy manifesto. I'm not really the poster boy for being a true gentleman, but I'm working on it. It feels good. When our heads have some distance from all that PMO our desires change. We don't lose any desire, but what we desire changes. It becomes realistic, which is exciting because it's actually attainable. Dissolving objectification actually improves our well-being. How awesome is that?
     
  12. Folarin

    Folarin Fapstronaut

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    After 150 days I still have those negative thoughts. I hope I get there. Most times I feel stuck, I still struggle with media addiction. My mental transformation is slow and daunting. I hope I reach there one day.
     
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  13. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    We are talking about decades of habitual behavior, behavior that we've never policed in ourselves. It's going to take some time for sure. It's sort of like meditation in a way. You just practice returning your focus to something neutral when you find yourself objectifying. Over time this practice has a cumulative effect, which you'll likely only notice in hindsight, as I did in this instance of my original post.

    152 days is awesome @Folarin! You don't get there without many changes and events, some of which are scary and require a ton of blind faith in the process. You are doing a great job. Be patient, things continue to unfold as long as you continue to work on them. Best of luck as you achieve your success!
     
  14. Innervision

    Innervision Fapstronaut

    @Strength And Light Congratulations very much for your thread and all the amazing comments along that. I feel you put in words many things that we all, in a way or another, experience on this long path fighting for self-control and some liberty over the negative effects of PM in our lives.

    It's fantastic to get to know how this process can change our basic dynamics of thoughts, feelings, moods, desires, opinions about the world and ourselves. My personal battle have been on this same issue about ways of approaching and relationships with women, with much work to be done on the de-objectifying and rebuilt of self-esteem processes. This community is absolutely inspiring because strengthens the will and force to continue and develop our inner world in this direction. Thanks for that and hope to get where you already are, with such inspirational visions and perspectives. See ya!

    PS: Sorry for my mistakes in the english, since it's not my native language
     
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  15. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much @Innervision. I like your username and avatar. Very cool! Congrats on 58 days! You are well on your way to recovering, uncovering, and rediscovering tremendous values and emotions that have evaporated from the abuse of PMO. I'm sure you are already learning this. I appreciate the kindness and wish you continued success!
     
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  16. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    These are amazing reflections, just amazing. When you say that you are not "chastising and berating myself in attempt to curb my behavior" it really hits home. I'm not berating myself about ogling, but I am having to make a conscious effort, and stopping idle sexual fantasies is even harder, and I am starting to berate myself about my failures there.

    So many guys here will read this post and be filled with hope and renewed motivation to get to 90 or 180 days and beyond to the 300 days you were on when you wrote this. I remember feeling like that. But for me this is a depressing post. I know it is not a race, but I'm on Day 1,011 and I have not reached where you were two years ago.

    (PS Thanks to @Susannah and you for pointing me to this old thread.)
     
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