A rant on my personal self improvement journey.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Laika, Nov 9, 2019.

  1. Laika

    Laika Fapstronaut

    HI there,
    I just need to get something out of my chest that I've been holding for a long time and I have no one to talk to about It, this post is really long, only read It if you want and have enough time.

    About me
    I'm a very turbulent 15 year old, mostly because I hate staying in the same place and am always trying to improve myself... for now, I'm in a pretty low place in life, been trying to improve myself for 5 years, a bit has changed but I'm still not happy for where and who I am today.

    My childhood
    I had everything, Internet, TV, food and games, I grew up lazy and unsure how to handle certain situations.
    I stayed all day in my house playing games, talked with real life friends because I was very sociable at the time and was pretty normal for a 7-9 year old kid.
    That didn't stay true for a long time.

    It all started since I was a 10 years old, I had set enormous long-term goals like being a billionaire and doing positive stuff to the world and my family, this made me develop a hatred for being a miserable and a normal person that I still hold on to this day. Unfortunately, negatives also came along, insecurity, depression, anxiety, porn consumption, excessive masturbation and gender/sexuality confusion took over me.

    At age 10, I discovered PMO by accident, It all started innocent, nothing violent and basic videos.
    After a year, it got out of control, my ability to have erections while standing faded out, so most of my sessions would be while I was sitting.
    When I turned 11, I had access to a really fast internet connection, I found myself surrounded by endless sources of video entertainment, like porn, gaming, anime and more.
    This is also the time where the transgender thoughts started, I got attached to female characters, not because of love, but because I wanted to be them in a way, the vision of my perfect future self went from being a male to a female, I don't remember finding any of It wrong or even stopping to think about it, I just did.
    While focusing on being someone I wasn't, insecurity took control over me, then anxiety, depression and stress, I hit rock bottom and stayed there for 2 years, unable to have any form of social interaction with people in my school, I was the weird quiet kid.
    When I was 14, another problem developed, I would act like a girl online and have people believe I was a girl without showing myself so I can feel less insecure.

    End result
    With all these addictions, identities and texting with weird people and sites on the internet (Imageboards), I got so damaged that now, I have the worst of the worst of fetishes, stuff like (Don't click, It's disgusting.)
    gore, vore, scat, extreme BDSM, rape fantasies, furry etc.
    Just like my musical and visual tastes, anything can make me aroused at this point, anything, the worst is, I can't get rid of these at all.

    Now, those are two main problems I have (being insecure and addicted), but there are other two more that I would like to talk about.

    Parents divorcing and my extreme school stress.
    My dad and mom were never stable, I love my family, I love everyone and I'm grateful they're all alive and great friends of each other, my dream of having my whole family live at my own mansion and being happy received a surprise.
    I can't accept it at all and am still sad that It's all happening, the next 3 years of my life is just a fog, there is no way to even know what is happening tomorrow.

    School stress? I can't even mention It without reminding myself that I have 5 assignments and 2 exams for this week, I'm in the last bimester in school and I have to get absurd grades in 5 different subjects so I can pass, isn't that so fun? It's all my fault, the best part is that I have no idea about the subjects and how to study for any of it since I have no friends at all to help! Personal problems everyone! woopsie...
    Oh, there's even better! It's the second time this happens, yeah, 1 year ago I was getting psychologically raped again, but It's all ok.

    Self Improvement Loops
    Repeating mistakes, repeating mistakes, repeating mistakes, repeating mistakes, repeating mistakes, that's the motto for the last 5 years of my life, I tried improving myself 7 times since the start of 2018.

    For example, November 8th (2 days ago) I exercised for 5 minutes, I started eating healthy, oh yeah everything starting to go as planned, feeling amazing! I wrote my goals again! oH YEAHHHH, I can feel it, THIS IS IT, this is the LAST TIME I will ever feel BAD, I KNOW WHAT IS DISTRACTING ME AND I WILL BREAK IT ALL AGAIN LIKE HOW A REAL ALPHA MALE DOES IT, I WILL GO TO SLEEP SOON AND WAKE UP FEELING MOTIVAT-Never mind, I woke up like shit and had to have a stressful and unproductive day, whatever, maybe next time It will work, It's all still fixable, you can do it. stupid bitch

    July, the best month of this year, I was meditating, exercising, reading, studying every single day. NoFap streak was rocking, confident at school, everything going exactly as plann-never mind, something spiritual or chemical on my body made me unmotivated and I relapsed on everything in under 1 hour.

    In the end, I tell myself that every single problem of my life has a fix, and there is.
    I tell myself that there are people in a worse place in life than me, and there are.

    Maybe I'm doing something wrong?
    What is it then and how can I do it differently?
    I've been praying and asking God for help for a long time and I feel like the answer for these questions are closer than ever.

    Sorry for being extremely childish at some parts, that's the way I can react to everything at this point.

    Just to make some things clear, I personally think the whole gender ideology is bullshit, If It's true then I identify myself as everything and nothing, I don't support it, I'm still biologically a male.

    Don't worry for me being really young and posting on this site, I know how internet security works, I've been in worst places!

    Thanks for reaching this far, stay strong!
    (It took me 6 hours to write this.)
    LEPAGE likes this.
  2. DerSchütze

    DerSchütze Fapstronaut

  3. Laika

    Laika Fapstronaut

    Things are getting better!
    DerSchütze and LEPAGE like this.
  4. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut

    Porn's damage is more than we can imagine. It messes with your head, it wants you to question your sexual preferences, fucks up your self image and taints your personality. No wonder people are coming up with new terms like gender fluid and stuff.
  5. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut

    I do not mean to sound rude to you or offensive that's the last thing I wanna do. Have you had problems with gender identity even before PMO???
  6. Laika

    Laika Fapstronaut

    Before PMO I used to have a bit of an interest on girly toys and cartoons, but I never thought about It.

    Also, porn and masturbation wasn't the only thing I discovered, It came along with anime and imageboards, I think that all of them contributed to the feminitization that happened with me, that's because I found out the existence of trans and gay porn on imageboards (when I was just 12) and I started relating myself to female anime characters after It. I didn't find any of it bad at all at the time.

    Don't get me wrong, It's not like someone chooses to be confused with their gender or sexuality. In my case, I already have a bit of history with liking girly stuff.
    I made 2 successful reboots and they definitely removed the unnecessary parts that came along.

    Also, don't worry bro, ask anything you want, I'm not the type of person that cares too much about pronouns and other stuff.
    Asgardian36 likes this.
  7. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut

    wow I understand your situation wasn't inspired by Porn usage alone. I am happy for you! You can count on me for support. You've been through a LOT. It will be so awesome when you reboot of PMO addiction and live the life you want. Godspeed!
    Laika likes this.

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