A Rock & a Hard Place

Well not really I guess... I'm not stuck between a rock and a hard place. The Rock being what porn represents: a lie. A very comfortable lie that helps avoid the elephant in my shrinking room. I am INCREDIBLY lonely. I'm not fishing for pity, just seeing how it feels to type and utter the truth. I've learned a lot about how I've gotten here too; adverse childhood experiences, mental health issues, and Stubborn and unhealthy self-perceptions (which I'm still working on). The rock in this metaphor is my current reality, made by all of my thoughts, its what is.
BUT what scares me the most is not where I am, but where I want to be. The hard place, and appropriately so- Its not at all easy for me to get there. I'd have to go against my own nature. I don't only mean in terms of not fapping, but with finding someone to connect with. I am scared shitless of putting myself out there, of saying to a girl " hey, I like you, do you wanna catch up sometime for coffee?". I understand why this is so, and where thoughts like "why bother John? Why would she be interested in you?" initially come from.
like my Psychologist says. "Its OK to be scared of something like this, a lot of people are, but it's not OK (or better yet, healthy) to not do something like this because of fear...

So that's where I am. Stuck between a comfortable lie that I cant bear anymore, because it kills me, and a hard place I call "The Truth"... The truth is, what I really want now, is that which scares me the most. Intimacy. If I don't start doing things to change my perceptions, than I think I will eventually relapse again. Its not enough to just know the truth now...it's not sitting well with me because I know, somewhere in my core, that I'm not doing enough to go for what I want...I'm doing this in other areas of my life; university, health and fitness, family relationships...but when it comes to this...I don't know. I'm not stuck...but at the same time, I haven't moved.

If you have, thanks for reading my rant. I've also stopped smoking weed throughout the week so here I am. Dwelling on these thoughts and feelings.

 

Thanks JT. I have considered something like that (match.com)...might be an easy first step. I think I'll do it.