It's an absolutely beautiful day, but I'm just sitting inside on the couch with my stomach in a knot over the pain of this whole stupid thing. Why does this have to be so hard? My heart hurts for all the men who are struggling so much with this. I feel bad for my husband, he doesn't like seeing me broken and crying, he is worried about whether our marriage can stand this. He feels like an a**hole. His life hasn't been fair. He was exposed to this at such a young age. He had a broken home, now he's in a home that is crumbling and it's all his fault. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes. But I also feel bad for me. I can only understand him to a point, then my female brain takes over...insecurity, jealousy, betrayal...does he even love me? Why is it so hard to choose me? I'm pretty and nice and fun and our sex life is (was)crazily awesome...why does a 20 year old bleach blonde with fake boobs win? Why can't he choose me? Why don't I have even that much value? So a young woman's bod is pretty to look at...whatever...it's superficial...I'm supposed to have his heart. All of our years together, the memories, the love, it's all worth less than the fun of ogling a pretty girl? So it gives him a rush and makes his penis feel good...that's worth more than my heart? It's a decision...why isn't it an easier decision. It seems simple to me, why can't he say, "When I look at porn, I am killing my wife. She doesn't trust me, she's so sick with sadness that she can't eat or sleep, she feels like I hate her. We have a wonderful marriage and she's amazing to me but...oh well...I'd rather risk it all to look at this girl's body." Why?