a story about my porn addiction

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Nan0nymous, Apr 7, 2021.

  1. Nan0nymous

    Nan0nymous New Fapstronaut

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    I want to start this out by saying that I'm writing this only for myself. I feel like I have a lot of bad memories that I need to let out to find peace in my mind. It's sort of like a confession.
    The only reason I'm letting this out in the open is so people like me can relate, I know this path gets lonely.
    I'll try my best to write this objectively, not judging myself, not hating myself because that always leads me further down the giant hole that is porn addiction.
    I started watching porn actively at 16 (i'm almost 20 now) which is quite late compared to my peers who started at 12-14. I tried it before that but I didn't understand it. I was always a shy, quite guy, not ugly nor handsome, just average. Never had any success with women, I haven't tried that much to be honest, I was always scared of rejection.
    I only ever had one close female friend and I didn't confess love to her and we just kind of went our own ways after I finished school. I went to college and things didn't go as I expected, everything fell apart: I didn't find any new friends, burned bridges with old ones, education was bad, I was always bored and depressed, argued a lot with my parents. The more depressed I became, the more I sta
    rted spending time alone on a computer playing videogames. Eventually, I tried porn and I was hooked in no time. I fapped... a lot. Like three times a day all summer long. From the beginning I was into fart fetish and I also watched women messing their panties. I think this is connected to some event in early childhood, I honestly have no other clue why I enjoyed it. I understood that it was a problem but didn't even try stopping until I started regularly messing myself and getting off to it. After every orgasm I felt so disgusting that I wanted to just disappear.
    November 2018 I registered my first account on the nofap forum. My first tries were hard but quite successful but as time went on, I fell deeper and deeper into the hole after each relapse. I felt like a horrible disgusting creature after I had a relapse on 2nd of January, 2019. Still remember that fucking day when I masturbated 15 times.
    A year passes with a lot of ups and downs but generally my mental state went down. I was dying inside and outside quite clearly. At that time I started to watch shemale porn sometimes. It felt so stimulating and disgusting. An important detail that I'll explain later on is that I watched videos where a shemale fucks a guy.
    At some point I discovered futanari porn which is basically hentai where the girl has a dick. It felt much better because futas looked a lot better than irl shemales, they were drawn perfectly with giant tits, ass and dick.
    I lost my mind at that point. It's just that I wanted intimacy with someone and couldn't get it so my mind warped it into being submissive to a girl to the point where she is the MALE and I'm like a girl. I fantasized about being raped by a girl with a dick and then begging her to do it again.
    I imagined a girl with a bigger dick making me wear female clothes and serving her. That's some of many example how twisted and perverted I became.
    I tried everything to stop: meditation, journaling, telling my close friend about my porn addiction (i didn't tell him about fetishes of course), Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking method, cold showers, I even switched to a dumbphone.
    In the end, i just fell deeper. Now I only watch futanari on male porn. I read erotica about it, I listen erotic audio, I read hentai, I watch animated porn.
    I hate how it fits to my insecurities: sad, lonely, unsuccessful guy who lives with his parents, can't find a partner. Well, if you can't find 'her', then, my mind thinks, lets imagine a world where SHE does all the work while you only get pleasure serving her.

    I ended college last summer and couldn't find a job. Military service is mandatory in my country, most people just bribe it off but I decided to take an extreme measure: i would serve in the army just to save myself from porn addiction.
    Today half year passed since I came here. I relapsed after more than two months without porn. I was on duty at night and just went to the toilet and did it again. Since then I masturbated everywhere: on watchtowers, in toilets, in shower, even in bed when there's a guy sleeping right next to me.
    Army has been horrible but I don't regret it.
    I'm just dissapointed that even such harsh conditions couldn't stop me from watching porn. And I would've been ok with just masturbating to sexy girls but I can't. Well, I can but I eventually want that high so I look at futanari and imagine being fucked.
    I need to survive a year until my demobilization.
    I'm so tired of all this, I've been nervous lately. All these years I've had a lot of times when I felt suicidal but I never had a gun so close to me before - it gets scary sometimes.
    I'll keep trying though.
    I'm a man, I want a beautiful wife, a lot of kids and to build something of my own. Why is so impossible for me to achieve anything? Why do all people kind of flow through life and I always suffer? Why can't I be happy?
    I try,I really do, I even pray to God sometimes, my parents put so much energy, feelings and money into me, yet I came out like this...
    And it's just so lonely because no one understands, I always have to hide and fake my emotions, especially in the army because people will eat you alive here if you show weakness.

    It's unbelievable how fast my life went to trash, it's been only a couple of years.
    This feels like a really really bad dream and I just can't wake up... If only I pull this trigger.
     
    Kilrunio and learning like this.
  2. learning

    learning Fapstronaut

    My advice would be to stop worrying about what type of porn excites you (futanari currently). Ultimately whether you are watching artsy romantic erotica or futanari is irrelevant. Everybody is doing the same thing - looking at porn.

    Don't get discouraged, because good things can happen to you in the future if you don't give up.
     
    Nan0nymous likes this.
  3. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    It's a hard addiction that not many understand. I watched porn from when I was young and I've done it on occasion now and im 40. don't beat yourself up friend. you have to find something worth stopping for. seeing that you have a problem is the first step. maybe find group meeting. see a psychologist, find what triggers you. when you truly want to stop, you will find a way, but of course you will relaps. you have to learn from your mistakes and not put yourself down. you are not alone in this. millions of us suffer from this too my man. you can do it i BELIEVE in you.
     
    Nan0nymous likes this.
  4. Nan0nymous

    Nan0nymous New Fapstronaut

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    I'm not giving up, I just felt like I need to write about my whole road, I thought that maybe I could find a key to finally end this meaningless suffering.
    The dull reality is that there is no key, it's just a grind, you try and try and try and you'll get it one day.
    So I'll just keep trying, day 4 right now
     
    Kilrunio, learning and V∧DΞR like this.

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